Naked Awake

I sit here raw, open, bleeding, pink.  I’m bare.  Eyes open, I see.  I see me.  My flaws.  Being held back from freedom by old and new pain.  Shoving it under a rug for so long and now I’m naked.  Bawling, crying for real, like someone close died.  Begging God to fix me.  Surrendering.  For real.  Will I hold on to this day, this feeling, moment of pure reflexion of my inner being?  I’m so raw and open!

Come in Lord.  Mold me and fix me up.  Make me like you for you.  If I live by your will, all will be okay.  I miss the feeling of joy and peace.  Did I ever really have it?  I doubt it.  But I had spurts and I want more, want it all.  Need it all.  You said it will work for my good since I love you.  I do love you.  More and more each day.  Having an encounter(s) with you is necessary.  More of you please.

Remove all the hurt, guilt and doubt from me.  Take away the steel walls covering not only my heart but my body, mind and soul.  Open me up to let you in fully because the walls not only keep the world out, it does the same to you.  I see that now.  To get more of you I have to open up to the bad stuff too and let you work perfectly through me.  I gotta go thru to show your glory when I overcome.  Okay, I give in my Lord. My Savior.  My Everything.  I’m absolutely nothing without you.

I’m in love with you.  So in love.  I need to please you. I need to serve you, my Master.  O God take me, I’m yours.  Use me up and I’ll be glad about it.  When man used me there was no benefit but with you, your promises will be kept.  I can’t make it without you.  Fill me with your precious Holy Ghost and dunamis power from on high.  I have to fight to live for your glory.  I can’t let the devil in and he’s trying.  Attacking from all angles but you see what I don’t.  Give me your spiritual eye to catch him before he gets close.  Give me your tongue to speak your holy word to stop him in his tracks.

I see!  I see I need you.  Don’t beat me anymore.  Well, I may still need a beating from time to time but I hope not.  I want to stay on the straight and narrow path.  No wavering.  When anger rises up I need your love and comfort to soothe me.  When thoughts come that lie on you, I need you to bring back to my memory the promises and fruits of your spirit.  I believe in the Beatitudes more than ever now.  Create me all over again, thru and thru, fix me! Make me over, I’m tired of me.  This shell is nothing.  Renew my spirit, touch my heart and mind, reveal the spiritual world and help me to rightfully divide everything to your liking. I rebuke all fear! It’s not of you.

Here my cry.  Save my family.  Fix them like you’re fixing me.  Open their eyes.  I don’t want them to learn the hard way, as I.  Make them wiser sooner than me.  Pour your wisdom in us, fill our cups. Even if I don’t want ppl to see me as an example, I am. Help me to be a great example of conquering the enemy. Forgiveness and compassion, endow me. Agape love, run my cup over! Rivers of living water, I hunger and thirst. I want everyone to feel the same way.

I need my children saved. Protected. Covered by the blood of the lamb. Have mercy Lord. More grace please. I point fingers but I need changing. Forgive me! I’m willing to let you in and do your thing fully. I still have bouts of doubt with this process, yes. It can be scary but I will speak your word to myself and walk forward. I have prayers I need answered and my heart isn’t right. Im working. Im coming! I hear you! I know it starts with me.

The raw, naked truth is here, slap in my face, chest tight. I’m not right. I’ve sinned by being mean and hard to deal with, talk to, love on. I’ve rejected those close to me and I’m tired of it.

I am free.

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This Wall…hurts.

Castle Heart

When I tell you I’m hurting…its an understatement. And I don’t think it’ll stop until I die. If I could do it again…I would not become a MOTHER. I’m a mom, for real. I didn’t have kids for fun, a check or by mistake. Since I was a little, little child I told my MOTHER that I wanted 4 children & a kind husband. I had 5 babies, 1 angry, troubled, abusive ex-husband (that’s a whole nother story & 1 kind husband at 35 years old. I spoke it. Who said you can’t speak things into existence? Imma witness that you can.

This never-ending pain is due to my children. Its not their faults. Whoever desires kids, give deep thought to it. I hope I don’t scare ppl into not wanting them but I can’t lie. This is my truth & the truth. You can’t foresee all that’ll happen before you conceive a human being. You may have dreams of the perfect life with them but nothing is perfect. You don’t think about the ER visits after midnight & missing work the next day & the next day after. You don’t see them telling you no & shut up. You don’t see someone hurting your baby’s feelings or body. You don’t see your baby hurting themselves. Unless God blessed you with such a gift that you probably wouldn’t want because you’ll be too afraid to “live”.

I will not give details in respect of my children’s & husband’s privacy. I’ll do my best to express this pain nevertheless. I have 3 teens now (2 younger). 18, 16 and 14. I’m lost at times. I gotta feelin this gone be a long one. Smh…buckle up.  I’m so full of emotion.  I watched this show on Netflix, “13 Reasons Why”.  It opened up something in me.  As a parent we go about our day and honestly not giving much thought into how our children feel inside.  We’ll say things “like kids will be kids” and “they don’t have real problems”.  Why do we say that?  To justify the reason why we want them to listen to us when we tell them to do/feel something cuz they can’t possibly have it as bad as us?  We can’t minimize being a kid.

How can we forget when we were once them?  We do forget.  Time goes on & we develop a new set of problems.  My dilemma now is…wondering what are my kids enduring.  Are they being bullied or they’re the bully?  Are they suicidal or knows someone who is?  Are they facing sexuality stuff? Question after question I can ask myself.  Either way, I don’t know what I can do to help them besides be here.

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I tell them I’m here, I understand cuz I was your age, blah, blah, blah.  They still don’t open up.  I get they may not know how to or even want to but what can I do but wait for something bad to happen that forces their mouths open?  I’m so afraid of that day.  I don’t want to deal with anymore crap.  I have and have had some issues with my kids that I don’t know what to do.  I’ve done counseling & other things.  I’m tired of ppls opinions.  I’m tired of ppl’s quiet judgement.  I believe I’m a good mom that needs some tweeking but things surely come along to make me think otherwise.  I pray but do I pray enough.  This is a waiting game, to see if God will answer but I want answers NOW.

These are my babies. MINE!!!!  I need them happy, safe & successful.  Regardless if I’m not the nicest at times, I need them to know that I would die for them.  The wall.  Something has happened to me.  Something bad.  With me being aware of all of this: kids having problems that they keep inside, I’m still haunted by my past that enables me to show love like I use to or at least show it like I feel it.  Lord make me over!!

My struggle with forgiveness interferes with my parenting.  My fear of being misunderstood, heavy emotions, abandonment interferes with my parenting.  How can my children open up to me when I have this “thing” about me?  I’m not gonna give up but I will be lying to say I haven’t thought about it.  My very own kids have hurt my feelings, made me feel unloved and resented.  And I wanted to show them how it felt like they were adults and needed to be taught a lesson.  But I had to be the mature one and keep loving and providing.  I’m damaged!  That’s not easy being selfless.

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I was abused (emotional, mental, verbal, physical) by the very (4 of 5) men that impregnated me, which made me really angry.  I vowed to be the responsible party and care for the innocent regardless of my needs.  18 years later and somewhere in between, I got & get tired. Naive, trusting and hopeful that 1 day my desire as a child for 4 kids & a kind husband would manifest.  Last baby is named Hope for this reason.  It didn’t go like expected but I’m here.  Bumped & bruised, I’m here.  Not my kids faults.  Children are a huge sacrifice.  For one, on a woman’s body.  I have to live with this body the rest of my life.  Angry about that too at times.

Had my first baby at 16.  I din’t give my body a chance to fully develop into a woman’s body before I stretched it inside & out!  Oh what these breasts could have looked like at 21, I’ll never know.  But hey, imma mom. My feelings & outlook of myself doesn’t matter anymore, right? Wrong.  This is turning into something else.  Go on my thought journey if you will.  Anyway I had 2 babies by 19.  Just graduated high school.  I managed to do that yes.  Had a decent home life, wasn’t perfect but better than just good.  Christian home.  Had morals but I “have” a rebellious side.  Here I am trying to be different than my mom so my kids don’t do what I’ve done.  But I’m my mom in other ways.

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My mom didn’t talk to me much.  That’s partially me.  But…when I do talk to them it’s drawn out.  Are they listening or have zoned out on me?  Did I miss my window some time before?  I know it isn’t too late but doggit, those possible missed windows.  Will they understand that mommy has issues too and I can’t ignore everything about me because they’re here now.  I pray it isn’t too late God.  My 2 oldest are going through.  How do I reach them?  I’m not asking anyone, remember I’m tired of the counsel.  Been at it for years off and on.  It’s time consuming and draining especially when you don’t think it’s working.  Maybe it is.  Maybe my children won’t tell me til years from, “Mom it worked.  The counseling.  Thank you.  I remembered something that helped.”  Was it in vain?  The stress of making appointments to look like a good parent.  Having to hear that you’re a good parent for getting your child help when you’re mainly there so they don’t call child protective services.  There were times I did it on my own and others were in fear.

There was a time that I was stressed and depressed.  Didn’t want added junk in my life.  But it began to pile.  Being a MOTHER was hard.  And at that a strong MOTHER.  That persona was hard to keep up.  Is hard.  Who said don’t EVER let your kids see you cry?  Ok, it’s kool if I can cry due to a movie, my child comes in the room and catches me? But my child can’t catch me cry when I’m sad/hurt/angry?  I have to hide in my room, in the house I pay bills for?  But they can cry & throw tantrums & tell me they hate me & storm to their rooms, that I pay for?  Sometimes I’m in so much pain that I’m not thinking about protecting my children from seeing my tears.  I’m human too!  Mommy hurts and yall cause some of it too.  I love you so much & you don’t see it but I keep going til I can’t anymore & uncontrollable tears run down my face & I don’t have energy to run & hide.  Sorry (not sorry) world that I sometimes let my kids see me be me, the real me.  Not the strong me or yelling me or stand-offish me or emotionally closed off me…me.  When I cry, that’s me.  The inner me that ppl rarely see.  Tired of being strong all the time.  Ppl expect me to be able to handle stuff, even my children.  I sometimes can’t handle schools calling home because of misbehavior.  I sometimes can’t handle them choosing the wrong friends & balancing letting you live a little & fear for your safety.  I sometimes can’t handle them falling off a bike.  Imagine attempting to handle experimenting with drugs and alcohol.  I shut down somewhere in there like, “Oh well, what can I do? They gone do it anyway.”  But maybe it’s “the wall”.  Doesn’t mean I don’t love them but I can’t control everything even though I try…until I burn out.  A merry-go-round of shoulda, coulda, woulda’s.

It’s a lot worrying about our little ppl.  We don’t tell them in detail cuz we think they won’t get it.  Some kids do & some don’t or just don’t care.  The different personalities to deal with (with multiple kids) but they can’t appease 1 mom’s.  We can handle it right?  No, not all the time!!!  It gets overwhelming and we go into a shell too.  Are we even allowed to, world?

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I haven’t been able to cry for my kids (unless in church crying about everything).  Busy keeping up my persona until tonight.  I cry & say a little prayer that God covers my babies.  Hope it’s enough, for now.  I’m a working progress.  The wall.  It’s slowly but surely coming down & I hope it’s not too late to really let my kids in & a love that’s deep within me out.  I want to help them more in the ways “they” need.  I want to, want to help them.  Not cuz the world says that’s what good parents do.  This wall is hurting me because it blocks true love for entering & exiting.  Once down I’m vulnerable to lovelessness & is it worth it coming down?  My carnal protection.  I have to do things Gods way because my way hasn’t really helped from what I see.  It’s stunted me.  So…

 

Boundaries/Letting Go

I have a serious problem with people not respecting boundaries. I’m praying that God helps me. I’m trying my best not to act upon my anger towards this chic. I told her to STAY AWAY from my minor children. I made it clear. She had posted a picture of my child (calling him sexy boy) on her social media page with her child at an event.  She’s suppose to be a minister of the gospel, married & calling a minor sexy. It’s not a good look, ijs. It may not seem like a big deal to others but it is to me. I found it offensive as his mother. When it comes to your children, the protecter comes out. She’s a person with issues. My child is a troubled teen (ran away) & I don’t see her helping him when she’s jacked up herself. I see her using him for information, manipulating him against us. She’s obviously not my friend anymore & probably never was (a leech). There’s history here. No matter how I’ve tried to mend things, she holds on. So I threw in the towel on trying…with her. We have to know when to just let ppl go. I’m still learning. She’s shown me that she still needs deliverance, from the dialogue we shared recently. I find it quite disrespectful that I tell her to stay away from my minor kids & she basicly rubs that in my face by posting a pic of my child. Very tender spot. I don’t know how he ended up there with her but as a fellow Christian I would think that she would have some sense to contact me so that there would be understanding & peace amongst us. Nope…she didn’t. Anger! Anger! Anger! But I’m tired of the anger. She has to have a problem with me. She has had issues with certain members of my family in the past and now…me. I kick myself for listening to her talk about my family because that family member (s) had hurt me as well. Trying to be a “friend” (gotta be careful with letting ppl dump on us). However I did try to encourage her to pray, forgive & move on as I was. That was a difficult task. She drained me. I helped her financially, took from my own home & children, etc…seems in vain. So for her to all of a sudden have issues with me, I’m blindsided. But the devil does that. Maybe someone is in her ear…again. She always acted like ppl were out to get her, talking about her, yada, yada, yada, now I guess I’m a part of those so called people. I see I’m not fighting with a person. But with spirits. Jealousy, gossip, bitterness, anger, unforgiveness & Lord knows what else. And those spirits want to jump on me. I must be careful & fight the right way. My fists won’t do it. I gotta pray & possibly fast for her. Yes, I want her out of my family. She’s tied in through her kids being God children to my family member, whom she despised (twisted business). Well, I can’t cut that part out but I can pray that her heart changes, she’s filled with the holy spirit, that she forgives & too…she leaves my immediate family alone. I received a call from another family member, asking me if they can do something for my child, that’s called respect. They know it’s touchy. I as a mature adult, just couldn’t bypass speaking with the parents before involving myself with anyone’s child especially when they’re troubled. This chic here, I would think she’ll get it since she’s a mom now, smh. She claimed she did. Another lieThe devil doesn’t care. He knows what angers us. She’s suppose to be a woman of God but I see she needs serious prayer. But why from me Lord? I do not want to but I believe if I don’t, God will continue to put her on my mind & in my spirit (unless she done put roots on me). I want to ignore her. I’ve had dreams about her. I think those were warnings. Now let me go back…this is the 2nd child she’s engaged. Physically & through messages on social media. After the 1st time was when  I told her to leave them alone. Thought she got the drift. Something may be wrong upstairs. I can’t beat it in her. I gotta give this to God. It’s extremely hard. This could be a set up to lose my life, everything I’ve built. I gotta let the spirit guide me, not flesh. It’s like torture. Oh my God! I said, “Okay God! I give up! I’ll pray for my enemy. Help me.” Who wants to pray for an enemy really? I don’t hate her but she’s making it hard not to, I tell you that. I can’t help but think she hates me. She won’t admit it if she does, of course. That’s why I call her an enemy. I’m praying for compassion in my heart for her so that I can pray right. I don’t want anything back firing on me. This truly is a growing pain. I’m going higher in God. This is to stunt me. We talk the talk but dont want to walk. I’m real. I cannot preach to others & won’t come subject to the same instructions. Ugh! Imma pray for evil in this woman that she might be blind to (she could be comfortable with it too) to loose her and  for my family to not be a target. Keeping my mind on the good in my life & not the bad. If I dont focus, the devil wins. Can’t let that happen!