I’m Coming Out!

Hey, hey, hey! Thangs are lookin’ up! Now I know it’s only a matter of time before satan slides in my dm’s but I know that God is still on his job. So where does that leave me? I have to work too. Faith! Gotta have it. I’m on the up & up emotionally today although things can get a bit tedious but I’m trying to chug along. Easy breezy.

My mood is better. Maybe it’s a woman thing. A mommy thing. A boss thing. A Queen thing. Whatever it is, it’s petty. Oh she can be sooooo petty. I find myself holding on to unnecessary stuff & it be hard to shake off too. Honestly part of me doesn’t want to but I know that’s wrong. That’s where the fight comes in. Greater is he who’s in me than he who’s in the world. The flesh has to lose to the spirit, amen? Amen. Yep! Answering myself. Lol.

Patience is vital. Gotta wait & see what God’s gonna do about everything. My job, family & even myself. Imma be positive about the person I am even when I think I’m a low down, doggy dog individual. He’s working on this heart & mind of mine. Let’s not get on the mind. Oooohhh chile!

But I’m coming out! I’ve been missing pieces of me the pass few weeks but I feel myself resurfacing. I’m glad about it too. God is able!


This Wall…hurts.

Castle Heart

When I tell you I’m hurting…its an understatement. And I don’t think it’ll stop until I die. If I could do it again…I would not become a MOTHER. I’m a mom, for real. I didn’t have kids for fun, a check or by mistake. Since I was a little, little child I told my MOTHER that I wanted 4 children & a kind husband. I had 5 babies, 1 angry, troubled, abusive ex-husband (that’s a whole nother story & 1 kind husband at 35 years old. I spoke it. Who said you can’t speak things into existence? Imma witness that you can.

This never-ending pain is due to my children. Its not their faults. Whoever desires kids, give deep thought to it. I hope I don’t scare ppl into not wanting them but I can’t lie. This is my truth & the truth. You can’t foresee all that’ll happen before you conceive a human being. You may have dreams of the perfect life with them but nothing is perfect. You don’t think about the ER visits after midnight & missing work the next day & the next day after. You don’t see them telling you no & shut up. You don’t see someone hurting your baby’s feelings or body. You don’t see your baby hurting themselves. Unless God blessed you with such a gift that you probably wouldn’t want because you’ll be too afraid to “live”.

I will not give details in respect of my children’s & husband’s privacy. I’ll do my best to express this pain nevertheless. I have 3 teens now (2 younger). 18, 16 and 14. I’m lost at times. I gotta feelin this gone be a long one. Smh…buckle up.  I’m so full of emotion.  I watched this show on Netflix, “13 Reasons Why”.  It opened up something in me.  As a parent we go about our day and honestly not giving much thought into how our children feel inside.  We’ll say things “like kids will be kids” and “they don’t have real problems”.  Why do we say that?  To justify the reason why we want them to listen to us when we tell them to do/feel something cuz they can’t possibly have it as bad as us?  We can’t minimize being a kid.

How can we forget when we were once them?  We do forget.  Time goes on & we develop a new set of problems.  My dilemma now is…wondering what are my kids enduring.  Are they being bullied or they’re the bully?  Are they suicidal or knows someone who is?  Are they facing sexuality stuff? Question after question I can ask myself.  Either way, I don’t know what I can do to help them besides be here.

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I tell them I’m here, I understand cuz I was your age, blah, blah, blah.  They still don’t open up.  I get they may not know how to or even want to but what can I do but wait for something bad to happen that forces their mouths open?  I’m so afraid of that day.  I don’t want to deal with anymore crap.  I have and have had some issues with my kids that I don’t know what to do.  I’ve done counseling & other things.  I’m tired of ppls opinions.  I’m tired of ppl’s quiet judgement.  I believe I’m a good mom that needs some tweeking but things surely come along to make me think otherwise.  I pray but do I pray enough.  This is a waiting game, to see if God will answer but I want answers NOW.

These are my babies. MINE!!!!  I need them happy, safe & successful.  Regardless if I’m not the nicest at times, I need them to know that I would die for them.  The wall.  Something has happened to me.  Something bad.  With me being aware of all of this: kids having problems that they keep inside, I’m still haunted by my past that enables me to show love like I use to or at least show it like I feel it.  Lord make me over!!

My struggle with forgiveness interferes with my parenting.  My fear of being misunderstood, heavy emotions, abandonment interferes with my parenting.  How can my children open up to me when I have this “thing” about me?  I’m not gonna give up but I will be lying to say I haven’t thought about it.  My very own kids have hurt my feelings, made me feel unloved and resented.  And I wanted to show them how it felt like they were adults and needed to be taught a lesson.  But I had to be the mature one and keep loving and providing.  I’m damaged!  That’s not easy being selfless.

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I was abused (emotional, mental, verbal, physical) by the very (4 of 5) men that impregnated me, which made me really angry.  I vowed to be the responsible party and care for the innocent regardless of my needs.  18 years later and somewhere in between, I got & get tired. Naive, trusting and hopeful that 1 day my desire as a child for 4 kids & a kind husband would manifest.  Last baby is named Hope for this reason.  It didn’t go like expected but I’m here.  Bumped & bruised, I’m here.  Not my kids faults.  Children are a huge sacrifice.  For one, on a woman’s body.  I have to live with this body the rest of my life.  Angry about that too at times.

Had my first baby at 16.  I din’t give my body a chance to fully develop into a woman’s body before I stretched it inside & out!  Oh what these breasts could have looked like at 21, I’ll never know.  But hey, imma mom. My feelings & outlook of myself doesn’t matter anymore, right? Wrong.  This is turning into something else.  Go on my thought journey if you will.  Anyway I had 2 babies by 19.  Just graduated high school.  I managed to do that yes.  Had a decent home life, wasn’t perfect but better than just good.  Christian home.  Had morals but I “have” a rebellious side.  Here I am trying to be different than my mom so my kids don’t do what I’ve done.  But I’m my mom in other ways.

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My mom didn’t talk to me much.  That’s partially me.  But…when I do talk to them it’s drawn out.  Are they listening or have zoned out on me?  Did I miss my window some time before?  I know it isn’t too late but doggit, those possible missed windows.  Will they understand that mommy has issues too and I can’t ignore everything about me because they’re here now.  I pray it isn’t too late God.  My 2 oldest are going through.  How do I reach them?  I’m not asking anyone, remember I’m tired of the counsel.  Been at it for years off and on.  It’s time consuming and draining especially when you don’t think it’s working.  Maybe it is.  Maybe my children won’t tell me til years from, “Mom it worked.  The counseling.  Thank you.  I remembered something that helped.”  Was it in vain?  The stress of making appointments to look like a good parent.  Having to hear that you’re a good parent for getting your child help when you’re mainly there so they don’t call child protective services.  There were times I did it on my own and others were in fear.

There was a time that I was stressed and depressed.  Didn’t want added junk in my life.  But it began to pile.  Being a MOTHER was hard.  And at that a strong MOTHER.  That persona was hard to keep up.  Is hard.  Who said don’t EVER let your kids see you cry?  Ok, it’s kool if I can cry due to a movie, my child comes in the room and catches me? But my child can’t catch me cry when I’m sad/hurt/angry?  I have to hide in my room, in the house I pay bills for?  But they can cry & throw tantrums & tell me they hate me & storm to their rooms, that I pay for?  Sometimes I’m in so much pain that I’m not thinking about protecting my children from seeing my tears.  I’m human too!  Mommy hurts and yall cause some of it too.  I love you so much & you don’t see it but I keep going til I can’t anymore & uncontrollable tears run down my face & I don’t have energy to run & hide.  Sorry (not sorry) world that I sometimes let my kids see me be me, the real me.  Not the strong me or yelling me or stand-offish me or emotionally closed off me…me.  When I cry, that’s me.  The inner me that ppl rarely see.  Tired of being strong all the time.  Ppl expect me to be able to handle stuff, even my children.  I sometimes can’t handle schools calling home because of misbehavior.  I sometimes can’t handle them choosing the wrong friends & balancing letting you live a little & fear for your safety.  I sometimes can’t handle them falling off a bike.  Imagine attempting to handle experimenting with drugs and alcohol.  I shut down somewhere in there like, “Oh well, what can I do? They gone do it anyway.”  But maybe it’s “the wall”.  Doesn’t mean I don’t love them but I can’t control everything even though I try…until I burn out.  A merry-go-round of shoulda, coulda, woulda’s.

It’s a lot worrying about our little ppl.  We don’t tell them in detail cuz we think they won’t get it.  Some kids do & some don’t or just don’t care.  The different personalities to deal with (with multiple kids) but they can’t appease 1 mom’s.  We can handle it right?  No, not all the time!!!  It gets overwhelming and we go into a shell too.  Are we even allowed to, world?

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I haven’t been able to cry for my kids (unless in church crying about everything).  Busy keeping up my persona until tonight.  I cry & say a little prayer that God covers my babies.  Hope it’s enough, for now.  I’m a working progress.  The wall.  It’s slowly but surely coming down & I hope it’s not too late to really let my kids in & a love that’s deep within me out.  I want to help them more in the ways “they” need.  I want to, want to help them.  Not cuz the world says that’s what good parents do.  This wall is hurting me because it blocks true love for entering & exiting.  Once down I’m vulnerable to lovelessness & is it worth it coming down?  My carnal protection.  I have to do things Gods way because my way hasn’t really helped from what I see.  It’s stunted me.  So…


No HATE in this ❤

Bizzle said it best, “Homie you can hate me but you get no hate back. Cuz all the hatin in the world won’t make me a hater.”

I know I have haters. I’m the sweetest, meanest person you’ll meet(😜). Why hate me? But it’s inevitable. Everyone won’t have a love like Christ’s. They can keep hating me all the way to fiery hell. I won’t be there. Imma love my way into heaven’s gates. It won’t be easy but I’m pressing. I won’t allow how one feels about me make me just like them. Understand, get out my way tho with the foolishness. The bible says to shun the very presence of evil. I’ll do just that & pray the haters are delivered from their illnesses. The best carnal medicine I can give them is to keep being great. 

At the moment I have absolutely no energy to hate anyone. I need to be this way always. I’m priortizing what really matters. My sanity is #1. The more angry I get about uncontrollable ppl & things, the more tired I am. So I then give it to God when I should’ve from the gate. This world may cause us to become cold. We can’t let it happen. We can’t control ppl but we can control ourselves with the Holy Spirit on board. The devil tries his hardest to throw us off. He knows what gets to us & we fall for it every time. We give hate so much energy instead of forgiveness & love. Agape love. Til we die we’ll be working on something(s) unChrist-like within us. Become aware of it & get to work. Someone needs to see light in this dark place. Choose to be light. If we choose God we’ll be happier. I fight me more than I fight ppl. I’m so tired. And I can’t beat God. See, I’ve been taught the way. I can’t get away from it no matter how hard I try. I am a good person at heart but have been damaged. I know God can heal me…if I let him. I’ve decided to get out the way & heal. Someone is watching me saying if I can do it, even with a smile, they can. Misery loves company. I don’t want ppl miserable & neither do I. I may not want to be an example but I am. God called me to be so. 

We want ppl to listen to us but we don’t listen to God. What if daily he dished out the judgement we give to others? We’ll be begging for mercy. Now…even when ppl don’t apologize, we’re to forgive and let God deal with ’em. I’m taking need to this now. We forgive for our own sanity & righteousness. When you realize you have more things going on that take precedence over how someone feels about you, you can move pass things quicker. I refuse to spew hate back at others because they hate me. I know better, I’m doing better & I can have better because God said so. I refuse to be a miserable human being when God said he’d give me the desires of my heart. I’m worthy of a good life & you are too. We make mistakes. Repent & turn from doing it habitually. Strive to change for the better. We can’t let ppl pull us down to their level. We should actually feel sorry for them & pray for their souls. 

Everyone copes differently. What you’re delivered from, someone still struggles with that thing. Have compassion. I know I’m great & the enemy knows it too. He wants me to think otherwise to bring me closer to him. Won’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not great arrogantly. Great because God didn’t make a mistake when he created me in his image. He broke the mold! Great because his Holy Spirit is within, empowering me to not give up, to fight!  And I pray that everyone feels the same way about themselves. I want to see everyone win! If everybody felt that way…wouldn’t be haters running amuck.

What type of mom am I? I might be weird and normal all together.

super mom.jpgYou know how you can do something well but don’t want to?  Like cooking (me), cleaning (me), other stuff I can’t think of momentarily (probably me too).  I’m trying to figure out what I can do as a hobby.  So I started blogging.  I’ve always loved writing since a kid.  Now I type instead, same thing, lol.  But what else do I like?  I love the computer.  Wanted to be a computer tech but I probably just wanted to play on the pc all day.  Didn’t understand what a tech did, it just sounded kool.  Oh! I use to always take things apart and put em back together.  Sooooo, I like to use my hands and figure (fix) out things.  What job/hobby is that?  I’m a Ms. Fix It.  I love caring for ppl.  Wanted to be a nurse, still do but would rather be my own boss.  I love babies so I’m opting to open a daycare.  At 35 I don’t want to start school for nursing now.  I think I could still  be a computer fixer but of the programs and not the actual computer. School for that might not take too long.  But I’m sticking with the daycare, I’ll be the BOSS.

sewing mom

Other than that, hobbies?  Don’t fish (probably can), don’t do arts and crafts (probably can), can cook, don’t like it but like eating, can do hair a little, don’t like that either, the list goes on.  So what will I pass to my kids?  I love the Playstation 3.  Games! Cards, board, outdoor, pc. I’m a gamer.  I can do that with my kiddies.  They’ll grow up and say, “I use to play games with my mom. She taught me how not to be a sore loser cuz she beat me every time and laughed in my face.”

game mom

That doesn’t sound as kool as, “My mom taught me how to sew.”  Oh yea, I took sewing in school and loved it.  But…I’m not that interested enough to buy a machine.  What kind of woman/mom am I?  I don’t like sports (except boxing, mma, some tennis).  I like travelling but need the money, so i haven’t done that but once with all the kids.  I’m not into nature but I love looking at beautiful pics and oohing and ahhing as I drive by the scenery.  Although I do want to try camping but it has to be where we get cell reception and running water.  Some kind of RV camp.  I know it exists.  It has to.  I love movies.  Maybe I can be a movie critic.  But does that count as something to teach my kids?  I work, pay bills, come home, lay down, play on my phone/pc, watch tv, text, cook when I have to, wash clothes when I have to (kids and husband do that), clean up when I have to (kids and husband barely do that but it’s enough until I get pissed if it isn’t to my liking). The funnest things are laying down, my phone, tv and pc.  Why do I not enjoy baking and washing dishes like my mom did?

super mom 2

I try to show my kids strength through my instructions without telling them about the grown-up struggles too much (bills, haters at work, etc). Guiding them through day to day experiences. I tell them how they should be loving individuals like Jesus , clean their body’s and surrounding,  how to cope with stress and mean ppl, forgive, when to walk away and/or take a stand, all that good stuff.  Most of all…I LOVE GOD.  Everything I teach them revolves around God. We’re avid church goers.  I hope that’s enough teaching and should be satisfied with that.  Maybe with me it’s not so much of the physical I teach but more verbal and showing them by the way I simply live.  I don’t want them to be just like me but I do want them to be like me.  Have a heart, driven to succeed and care for themselves as well as others.  But not get trampled over either cuz I’ve been there too. I still want them to say they learned how to do something besides iron they’re clothes cuz their mama didn’t want to.  Again…why am i not domestic.

super mom 3

Soon as they were old enough to do things, I put em to work.  Then they did for the younger ones.  I was never a stay home mom.  Just trying to balance both my worlds. Maybe once I start the business I’ll begin to love other things that I can teach them.  Oh, I’d like to grow a garden. I tell myself keeping a roof over their heads is plenty.  But I once was a kid and wanted my mom do do things with me, she didn’t.  Maybe that’s why I am the way I am.  She had me at 45.  An older woman.  She wasn’t into hopping around with me that much. She’d push me out the kitchen most times when I asked to help, it was more like I was just in the way.  Although i enjoyed liking the pots when she did cakes a pies.  She’d call me in for that.  I mix things a little but not die-hard teaching me to cook. I still can cook though. I do that same thing sometimes with my kids when they ask to help.  I like my space and focus.  Who can go shopping with kids?  I hate it, with the younger one’s mostly.

cooking mom 2

Oh yea, I like encouraging ppl to keep striving.  That’s a ummmm…motivational speaker right?!  I also want a women’s support group with some pregnant teens mixed in.  But I can’t teach my kids that.  That’s more like something learned by watching my mannerisms, actions, life, watching me “do”.  Can’t explain it as well as I’d like to. I’ll figure it out.  Maybe it’ll hit me like a ton of bricks.  How much fun is it coming home, learning how to write properly (cuz blogging is what mommy’s into now) after a 6 hour-long day in school?  They don’t want to learn that from me, I don’t think.  I gotta find my niche that will stick with my children.  I just need to accept that I am who I am (hard worker, dream fulfill’r) and my kids can tell the world “that” about their mom.  I think they’ll be the most proud of me for achieving the things I’ve desired for so long.  The few I’ve listed isn’t it.  Might need to create a bucket list  They’ll know to never give up, that they can do all things through Christ who strengthens them and no matter what the world says, they can have their dream(s).

Update (minutes later)…

Great Scott, I got it!!! I’ve taught my children thus far…how to pray! I’m a great mom.

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