Naked Awake

I sit here raw, open, bleeding, pink.  I’m bare.  Eyes open, I see.  I see me.  My flaws.  Being held back from freedom by old and new pain.  Shoving it under a rug for so long and now I’m naked.  Bawling, crying for real, like someone close died.  Begging God to fix me.  Surrendering.  For real.  Will I hold on to this day, this feeling, moment of pure reflexion of my inner being?  I’m so raw and open!

Come in Lord.  Mold me and fix me up.  Make me like you for you.  If I live by your will, all will be okay.  I miss the feeling of joy and peace.  Did I ever really have it?  I doubt it.  But I had spurts and I want more, want it all.  Need it all.  You said it will work for my good since I love you.  I do love you.  More and more each day.  Having an encounter(s) with you is necessary.  More of you please.

Remove all the hurt, guilt and doubt from me.  Take away the steel walls covering not only my heart but my body, mind and soul.  Open me up to let you in fully because the walls not only keep the world out, it does the same to you.  I see that now.  To get more of you I have to open up to the bad stuff too and let you work perfectly through me.  I gotta go thru to show your glory when I overcome.  Okay, I give in my Lord. My Savior.  My Everything.  I’m absolutely nothing without you.

I’m in love with you.  So in love.  I need to please you. I need to serve you, my Master.  O God take me, I’m yours.  Use me up and I’ll be glad about it.  When man used me there was no benefit but with you, your promises will be kept.  I can’t make it without you.  Fill me with your precious Holy Ghost and dunamis power from on high.  I have to fight to live for your glory.  I can’t let the devil in and he’s trying.  Attacking from all angles but you see what I don’t.  Give me your spiritual eye to catch him before he gets close.  Give me your tongue to speak your holy word to stop him in his tracks.

I see!  I see I need you.  Don’t beat me anymore.  Well, I may still need a beating from time to time but I hope not.  I want to stay on the straight and narrow path.  No wavering.  When anger rises up I need your love and comfort to soothe me.  When thoughts come that lie on you, I need you to bring back to my memory the promises and fruits of your spirit.  I believe in the Beatitudes more than ever now.  Create me all over again, thru and thru, fix me! Make me over, I’m tired of me.  This shell is nothing.  Renew my spirit, touch my heart and mind, reveal the spiritual world and help me to rightfully divide everything to your liking. I rebuke all fear! It’s not of you.

Here my cry.  Save my family.  Fix them like you’re fixing me.  Open their eyes.  I don’t want them to learn the hard way, as I.  Make them wiser sooner than me.  Pour your wisdom in us, fill our cups. Even if I don’t want ppl to see me as an example, I am. Help me to be a great example of conquering the enemy. Forgiveness and compassion, endow me. Agape love, run my cup over! Rivers of living water, I hunger and thirst. I want everyone to feel the same way.

I need my children saved. Protected. Covered by the blood of the lamb. Have mercy Lord. More grace please. I point fingers but I need changing. Forgive me! I’m willing to let you in and do your thing fully. I still have bouts of doubt with this process, yes. It can be scary but I will speak your word to myself and walk forward. I have prayers I need answered and my heart isn’t right. Im working. Im coming! I hear you! I know it starts with me.

The raw, naked truth is here, slap in my face, chest tight. I’m not right. I’ve sinned by being mean and hard to deal with, talk to, love on. I’ve rejected those close to me and I’m tired of it.

I am free.

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Determined to Do

I dream of…doing. Doing what my heart desires. I believe I was born to help ppl. In order to help them I guess I gotta go thru some stuff. I don’t want to suffer but I want to help. So we all have a cross to bear. And I know for sure my life can turn out much worse. So Lord I thank you, I praise you, for grace, mercy & many blessings!

A book, a women support group, daycare, motivational seminars, daycare, mission work, spreading the gospel of the 1 & only Jesus Christ! Say what! The girl gone be busy. At 35 I wonder if I’m starting late. But if I look at it, I’ve been living, gathering information, testimony, to share & motivate, encourage, gladden, inspire, strengthen, restore, revitalize…all dat!  Some will feel a type of way when being spoken to by a person they feel can’t relate. So in order for me to relate to some stuff cuz I surely don’t want to relate to everyyyyythinggggg, I must accept that I gotta live it. Most ppl go thru the same things even if its not exactly, the emotions that arise are the same. Defeat, loss of faith, worthlessness, grief, pain, sadness, doubt, masking, rage, unforgiveness, bitterness, pettiness, etc. We all have felt one or all of these. 

I can’t just not do. Work all my life for a check? Nope. Gotta do something meaningfull. I feel it. Since a child I was hands on with my mom. Nursing her in ways. My kids run to mommy when they have an itch or worse. She knows what to do. Just having sense to take them to the licensed pro’s gets kudos. I care. I wanted to be a nurse but at 35, I don’t want to go to school for that, plus I’m an upcoming entrepreneur. No more being tied to the man! But preparation is taking place. In being taught how to cope with life situations. Real life. No running & ducking. Facing it straight on & staying holy. Now that’s a task. Dealing with ppl, especially that think their fine or right in their stance. Can’t tell them they need fixing. All you’re trying to do is help, right? But you say something the wrong way & now you have an unhappy customer. Well, you gotta know how to deal with that without sitting your religion down and/or giving up all together. That’s where I am. BALANCE.

God’s working, I feel it. I trust him. He knows best. Patience is taking residence & that’s kool. I still feel the ticking clock but the Lord overrides it. I’m getting ready for greatness! Becoming a better me & all credit goes to my Saviour. I’m excited for what’s ahead.

Moving on

I’ve decided to move on. Moving on from the past. Moving on from old friends and associates. Moving on from situations. Moving on from stinking thinking. Moving on from unforgiveness. Moving on from doubt. Moving on from my bad attitude. Moving on from questioning myself. I’m fed up. I’m moving on from losing. I’m moving on from self-loathing. I’m moving on from depression and stress. I will not let the devil win. When he gets the mind, he will get the body. I am victorious. I am my own worst enemy and I know better. The devil sit s back and laughs at me. Those days are over. I’m more than a conqueror and I’m moving on from thinking otherwise. 
Who’s with me?

You listenin’?

listening

I’m tired of talking & there’s no listening going on. Then when it hits the fan, what I previously said comes back at me like I never said it! Ppl love giving advice & can’t take their own. Or repeating to you what you just said. Or coming at you later like you didn’t warn them at all. So what’s the point of speaking when you aren’t being heard. Maybe they have amnesia/selective memory. It’s disheartening when you’ve released thoughts, feelings & concerns to an individual(s) to find out that they didn’t grasp what you were attempting to convey from the beginning. And sometimes you get scolded by them. Ugh!!! Sick of it. Well, don’t ask me jack. Don’t act concerned. Don’t nod your head…if you’re not going to really listen & remember. But God…he doesn’t fail where humans do. Some stuff must stay between him & I. Everyone has their own thing going on, I know (and honestly at times don’t care, I just want to be heard). And our expectations of one another is too high. He (God)never fails. We’ll keep running into the same problem looking for man to understand & pull us out the pit. Looking to the wrong source. And at that, our feelings won’t get hurt so much when leaning on the Lord. He knows how to love & discipline us without leaving damage.

‘A’ Game

woman desk

I love when I’m on my ‘A’ game at work.  The juices are flowing and I’m unstoppable!  I’m incredibly focused and on point.  I love it!  I thrive on organization.  However there can be moments madness and I certainly have my methods.  It’s all good.  My phone is my most important tool.  The old days are out with pen & pad but they still cone in handy from time to time.  I have to revert back in spells.  Phone going off with texts and emails…oh calls too.  And when I don’t lose my train of thought…that’s what you call a GOOD DAY.

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Yea, I’m feeling myself but it isn’t me.  It’s God.  He’s lining things up and they’re falling into place.  He always does it and I have the audacity to doubt him.  Bye Felicia (to myself)! As he does what he does, my spirit is being lifted, I feel like I can do this, I can really do this, feel like superwoman but it’s my inner being that’s fed.  See we can’t do anything without God.  My brain is functioning properly (at least I think it is), I’m motivated and hopeful that my work will pan out smoothly and it’s not me.  It’s all Him.  It’s easy to take the credit (devil playing mind games) but He (God) sure has a way of showing me who gets the glory in this thang here.  Things can crash and become stressful at the drop of a dime.  So right now, I’m great…because of my Maker.  And to him I say, TYJ (Thank you Jesus)!

woman desk 3

Is it me?

Is it me or people really don’t want to hear the truth? People are OK with you when you are one there side but once you decide to not compromise, you’re their biggest enemy. You’ve turned coat in their eyes. No matter what, you need to stand for right. Now long as you’re in the right, I’m down with you. But once you start going to astray, I’m going to the other way. I’m not fin to stroke anybody in their wrongdoing. Then I won’t be being true to myself. I am 35 and I am not thirsty for friends. I would like to have friends but if that means tossing my morals, I’ll walk alone. 

$$$

tithes

Experiencing financial spats with the spouse. At one moment I think we’re on one accord and then something goes left. So now we’re at the crossroads, actually been at the crossroads of is this you or the devil? We be ready to say it’s the devil and sometimes  it’s just us. But we have to know the difference. When we begin to walk with Christ and He blesses us with spiritual sight, we will pick up on things.  We have to know what to pray for.  I’m just always binding up spirits  for they are always around. But some stuff is just the individual. We have been  raised a certain way and life is also made us a certain way and those things tend to stick with us. But they don’t work anymore once you unite with another. Some things in us just have to change. Most marriages fail due to finances, lack of communication and sex (infidelity or quality/quantity). For anyone who wants to just jump up and get married you might want to think not once but a million times about it. And ask God about your significant other. Get his “stamp of approval”. Once you are tied to that person you are just that, tied. The word says that when a man finds a wife he finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22). Women, we are a man’s glory (1 Corinthians 11:7). Check this out…our hair is our Glory (1 Corinthians 11:15), lol! All jokes aside…we are to submit one to another. It’s teamwork. Almost every decision is made by the both of you. Now this is the way it should be, is it really tho? One should not enter into a marriage unless they are equally yoked.

spousespouse 2

You need to believe in the same thing. Or else you will experience quarrels in the very near future. If you have not hit those speed bumps yet, get ready they are coming. Especially when children are involved. What kind of school you want them to go to, what religion you want them to have, what color nail polish is appropriate for your little girl, if the dress is too short, that demonic logo can’t be on his shirt, etc. I’m just saying, the way that we have been raised especially religiously, can come with some quirky ideas or ways of living. Do you get what I am trying to say? I had a fellow Christian tell me when I was a little girl that blue nail polish was for prostitutes. That impacted me for years. Granted I still wore this blue nail polish from childhood to adulthood but what she said stuck with me until this day. I did not think I was a prostitute, but it showed me how some people just believe differently religiously. I did not believe that I will go to hell because of this nail polish but I think that was a little harsh to tell me at such a young tender age. I digress. So I do not believe that Christians and Buddhist can have a productive marriage. Doesn’t mean they can’t love each other. Just saying, it’s already hard for 2 Christians to agree all the time. Point blank the Bible says don’t be unequally yoked. They can try but those religions will clash eventually. So back to the money. Paying tithes. People have different ways to paying tithes. Numbers 18:25 speaks about 10%. Now is that 10% of your net or 10% of your gross? I believe that the holy spirit will lead you to all truths. So if you don’t have the Holy Spirit you’re walking blind with your eyes wide open. I do it from my gross. I’ve read that years ago when the taxes were being paid differently that it was okay to pay from the net but now, not so much. Something like that. I can’t remember exactly. I just decided that I’d stick with what we’ve been doing. But once husband and wife have made a decision on how they are going to do things, no one should change the rules without speaking to the other. This will cause problems, a break down in the marriage. Teamwork! For true believers the Bible way is the right way. I’m speaking on what I do and it might not work for everyone else. I seek to please God & not myself. In marriage, you work as 1. Back to the money. It also states that if you don’t pay your tithes, you are robbing God and the curses will begin.

robber

Since you are married, not one but both husband and wife will be cursed. Let’s take it further, the house will be cursed! Whatever blessings that you would have received because you were diligently and rightfully paying your tithes, will no longer be. How bout, you’ll start losing. Not gaining and also losing what you already have acquired! Be careful who you marry. Seriously. God comes first financially. You pay your tithes and then you pay your bills. So if you and your spouse are disagreeing on who comes first, here is another breakdown. Now concerning bills only. If you cannot decide which bill is priority, breakdown . Common sense says that the light bill is more important than a hair-do or a new pair of shoes. But someone out there with strongly disagree. Another breakdown. Learn these things about each other before you tie the knot. Yes, go and get some counseling, you will find yourself disagreeing about things that you never thought you would. But that’s all in life. No marriage is perfect, I don’t care what someone tells you. Remember, they are telling you in part. You cannot listen and watch them for yourselves. So best believe that there are things taking place behind closed doors that people may never share with you. So stop idolizing other people’s lives. Work on your own and pray to God that he helps you. Include him in alllllll things. And at that do not be afraid to share some things, be careful who you share it with though, because your testimony can very well help someone.

testimony.jpg

That’s where the Holy Spirit comes in again to guide you on who you should speak to. I’m praying that I and my spouse get on one accord so that our home can be blessed beyond measure. To know better and not do a better it is a sin. That is the word. We keep playing with ourselves, justifying our wrongdoing and thinking that God was still bless us. That’s just stupid. He is not a man that he should lie. God does not lie, man does. So if he says he will discipline you for sin, he will do just that. So why don’t we keep playing these games and lying to ourselves. We hate when our children do it. And guess what, we are his children. So here comes the spankings. So might as well boot that toosh up and get ready for those licks because you knew you were doing wrong. And then love God anyway after the whooping. But we have to work together in a marriage and it can be hard when it seems like one is working harder than the other. And at that, we have been working on one thing for so long it’s like when will the change come, do you not get it yet. Just some frustrations, thoughts, feelings, from the mind of a married person. Anyway, take God with you everywhere you go. Pray without ceasing. Pray for yourself and others. Don’t stop. We need the Lord in our day to day decision making. Especially when those decisions affect our futures.

Let it go

What a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I woke up this morning ready to start my day. I was having my usual conversation with my hubby and he began to tell me about a dream he had. This comes to me as no surprise but then again I hoped for better. He saw that a young lady is jealous of me. Now I’m thinking, why would anyone be jealous of little ole me…then again why not? I’m just keeping it real. I hope that people will be spiritually jealous and strive to serve God as I do. That’s the only type of jealousy that I will wish to receive. Let’s get together and be the best Believers we can be. Let’s make the whole world jealous and they’ll wanna be Christians too! You can be blessed like me if only you’ll being obedient to His word. But who’s gonna actually do the work hmmm? Now don’t get me wrong, I struggle and go through just like everyone else, I just have better coping techniques. But sometimes people look at you and perceive your life to be one way (like it’s perfect). Or they will see something in you that you may not see in yourself. A sort of strength/perseverance (that’s kool, thanx). With that being said, that might be what she is doing. However I have spoken to her and no matter how much I can share my story (of ups & downs)  with someone, if they allow that jealousy spirit to attack them all I can do is pray that they fight it. And also that it does not jump on me. I’ve had times where I just wanted to confront her and tell her that I feel she has an issue with me and guess what, now I’m having one with you too. But I fight it. However, the door may be open for me to say something but hopefully in a better, holy way. No matter the situation, I have to be holy. It’s my job to serve God and help win souls. He did not put me on this earth to do what I wanted to do. I can choose to do good or do bad in this life. I choose to do good, to bring some light in this dark place. Wherever I am (home, work, school, store, church, the closet), I never know who is watching me whether they know me or not. I want them to see a young woman that is striving for greatness and bringing others along with me (God as my guide). Mind you, I cannot bring everyone with me & you can’t either. Some may only drag me down. Therefore I have to know when to shake them off (loose me Satan!). This will be hard to do because who wants to just let someone fall by the wayside knowing that they need help. But a person that needs help has to also put in work and truly want it (no pretending). There is no time for pity parties. Too much is happening on today, time is winding up and we need to get on the good foot with living righteously. But she and whoever else that have a jealous bone in their body for me (the Queen) or any other person, needs to let…it…go. Everybody goes through. Don’t look at someone and say I wish I had their this or their that (coveting) or why does all the good things only happen to them and not me or they’re not all that and yada yada yada. You work on you. Be the best you that you can be because someone may very well be looking at you too…and hating on you as well. Treat people the way that you want to be treated. If we will all think that way we’d all treat each other better. Don’t be the person that you speak negatively about. Be better. She needs to let it go. I do not want her to catch me on the wrong day because yes I do have those days where this mouth of mine has no filter. The Holy Spirit & my flesh battle at times. I have to call on him plenty. And if she catches me before I call on him, I do not know what she is going to get from me. So let It go darling. Bind up those demons, call them out & help me stay saved. People have been trying me more than usual lately. Just a few individuals. So I guess this is a new lesson in my life that I’m going through, learning to bite my tongue. There is a time and place for everything. I believe that God will open the door when I am in a better spiritual space to deal with these folk. I am tired of hearing that people are jealous of me and I cannot control that. I will not stop living my life. I plan on living even better! I will not dull my life down for anyone. We don’t say it out loud but sometimes we insinuate or our actions are saying that we want someone to live a less happier life than us, to make us feel better about our situation. Now how selfish is that??? You don’t say it directly but people can read between the lines with some of the statements made and we really need to check ourselves. At times we just don’t want to see other people happier than us. And sometimes people are just putting on a good outward appearance but are hurting inside. They don’t want the whole world to know that they are going through. The same thing that you do, so stop thinking that other people are living such a grander life than you. And this goes for me first. Whatever I speak on I’m the first partaker of it. Maybe I have felt this way about someone and didn’t realize it and maybe that’s why I am going through these trials. I don’t know. But I need to do some soul-searching of my own. Lord knows I have things I just need to let go. It’s long overdue.

What does He require?


I’ve been wondering what God wants from me?  I’m no dummy but something is going on in my head.  I’m at a stage in life where I want more from myself but I do want it to line up with my purpose, what God requires of this ole’ life of mine.  There is some confusion and of course that’s not of God.  So it’s safe to say that the devil may very well be at work a bit on my mind.  If he can get the mind he can’t get the body, basically he’ll get it ALL.  Here come the fight! The spiritual fight. Ohhhhh I’ve been fighting.  Not so much spiritually.  Well that’s not true cuz if I wasn’t, I’d be in jail right now.  But I know there’s more I can be doing.  Like staying off my phone (apps) and off the dvr (love my shows honey).  Those are my vices.  I need more bible time.  How can I possibly fight the devil and myself without the word of God??? It’s impossible.  I have to build that spiritual muscle to pack a punch against the weapons forming against me. Duh!  But easier said than done right?  Will I put forth the effort?  Shame on me for knowing what to do and not doing it.  I’m my own worst enemy.  Also…fasting.  I need more power! Power, power, power!  Not my own power.  Power from on high!  That power that’s breaks shackles and strongholds.  That power that will move mountains in my life.  And building my faith to know that Jesus loves me for real and will give me the desires of my heart.  My fault for not doing what it takes to grab on the Him. Smh.  And then the complaints.  Can’t complain.  It’s all on me.  Now I’m not saying I won’t complain, but I shouldn’t.  I see me and what I don’t see I’m asking God to reveal it through dream, vision, person, an epiphany (hope that’s the right term) however, just show me me.  I gotta grow.