Naked Awake

I sit here raw, open, bleeding, pink.  I’m bare.  Eyes open, I see.  I see me.  My flaws.  Being held back from freedom by old and new pain.  Shoving it under a rug for so long and now I’m naked.  Bawling, crying for real, like someone close died.  Begging God to fix me.  Surrendering.  For real.  Will I hold on to this day, this feeling, moment of pure reflexion of my inner being?  I’m so raw and open!

Come in Lord.  Mold me and fix me up.  Make me like you for you.  If I live by your will, all will be okay.  I miss the feeling of joy and peace.  Did I ever really have it?  I doubt it.  But I had spurts and I want more, want it all.  Need it all.  You said it will work for my good since I love you.  I do love you.  More and more each day.  Having an encounter(s) with you is necessary.  More of you please.

Remove all the hurt, guilt and doubt from me.  Take away the steel walls covering not only my heart but my body, mind and soul.  Open me up to let you in fully because the walls not only keep the world out, it does the same to you.  I see that now.  To get more of you I have to open up to the bad stuff too and let you work perfectly through me.  I gotta go thru to show your glory when I overcome.  Okay, I give in my Lord. My Savior.  My Everything.  I’m absolutely nothing without you.

I’m in love with you.  So in love.  I need to please you. I need to serve you, my Master.  O God take me, I’m yours.  Use me up and I’ll be glad about it.  When man used me there was no benefit but with you, your promises will be kept.  I can’t make it without you.  Fill me with your precious Holy Ghost and dunamis power from on high.  I have to fight to live for your glory.  I can’t let the devil in and he’s trying.  Attacking from all angles but you see what I don’t.  Give me your spiritual eye to catch him before he gets close.  Give me your tongue to speak your holy word to stop him in his tracks.

I see!  I see I need you.  Don’t beat me anymore.  Well, I may still need a beating from time to time but I hope not.  I want to stay on the straight and narrow path.  No wavering.  When anger rises up I need your love and comfort to soothe me.  When thoughts come that lie on you, I need you to bring back to my memory the promises and fruits of your spirit.  I believe in the Beatitudes more than ever now.  Create me all over again, thru and thru, fix me! Make me over, I’m tired of me.  This shell is nothing.  Renew my spirit, touch my heart and mind, reveal the spiritual world and help me to rightfully divide everything to your liking. I rebuke all fear! It’s not of you.

Here my cry.  Save my family.  Fix them like you’re fixing me.  Open their eyes.  I don’t want them to learn the hard way, as I.  Make them wiser sooner than me.  Pour your wisdom in us, fill our cups. Even if I don’t want ppl to see me as an example, I am. Help me to be a great example of conquering the enemy. Forgiveness and compassion, endow me. Agape love, run my cup over! Rivers of living water, I hunger and thirst. I want everyone to feel the same way.

I need my children saved. Protected. Covered by the blood of the lamb. Have mercy Lord. More grace please. I point fingers but I need changing. Forgive me! I’m willing to let you in and do your thing fully. I still have bouts of doubt with this process, yes. It can be scary but I will speak your word to myself and walk forward. I have prayers I need answered and my heart isn’t right. Im working. Im coming! I hear you! I know it starts with me.

The raw, naked truth is here, slap in my face, chest tight. I’m not right. I’ve sinned by being mean and hard to deal with, talk to, love on. I’ve rejected those close to me and I’m tired of it.

I am free.

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No HATE in this ❤

Bizzle said it best, “Homie you can hate me but you get no hate back. Cuz all the hatin in the world won’t make me a hater.”

I know I have haters. I’m the sweetest, meanest person you’ll meet(😜). Why hate me? But it’s inevitable. Everyone won’t have a love like Christ’s. They can keep hating me all the way to fiery hell. I won’t be there. Imma love my way into heaven’s gates. It won’t be easy but I’m pressing. I won’t allow how one feels about me make me just like them. Understand, get out my way tho with the foolishness. The bible says to shun the very presence of evil. I’ll do just that & pray the haters are delivered from their illnesses. The best carnal medicine I can give them is to keep being great. 

At the moment I have absolutely no energy to hate anyone. I need to be this way always. I’m priortizing what really matters. My sanity is #1. The more angry I get about uncontrollable ppl & things, the more tired I am. So I then give it to God when I should’ve from the gate. This world may cause us to become cold. We can’t let it happen. We can’t control ppl but we can control ourselves with the Holy Spirit on board. The devil tries his hardest to throw us off. He knows what gets to us & we fall for it every time. We give hate so much energy instead of forgiveness & love. Agape love. Til we die we’ll be working on something(s) unChrist-like within us. Become aware of it & get to work. Someone needs to see light in this dark place. Choose to be light. If we choose God we’ll be happier. I fight me more than I fight ppl. I’m so tired. And I can’t beat God. See, I’ve been taught the way. I can’t get away from it no matter how hard I try. I am a good person at heart but have been damaged. I know God can heal me…if I let him. I’ve decided to get out the way & heal. Someone is watching me saying if I can do it, even with a smile, they can. Misery loves company. I don’t want ppl miserable & neither do I. I may not want to be an example but I am. God called me to be so. 

We want ppl to listen to us but we don’t listen to God. What if daily he dished out the judgement we give to others? We’ll be begging for mercy. Now…even when ppl don’t apologize, we’re to forgive and let God deal with ’em. I’m taking need to this now. We forgive for our own sanity & righteousness. When you realize you have more things going on that take precedence over how someone feels about you, you can move pass things quicker. I refuse to spew hate back at others because they hate me. I know better, I’m doing better & I can have better because God said so. I refuse to be a miserable human being when God said he’d give me the desires of my heart. I’m worthy of a good life & you are too. We make mistakes. Repent & turn from doing it habitually. Strive to change for the better. We can’t let ppl pull us down to their level. We should actually feel sorry for them & pray for their souls. 

Everyone copes differently. What you’re delivered from, someone still struggles with that thing. Have compassion. I know I’m great & the enemy knows it too. He wants me to think otherwise to bring me closer to him. Won’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not great arrogantly. Great because God didn’t make a mistake when he created me in his image. He broke the mold! Great because his Holy Spirit is within, empowering me to not give up, to fight!  And I pray that everyone feels the same way about themselves. I want to see everyone win! If everybody felt that way…wouldn’t be haters running amuck.