This Wall…hurts.

Castle Heart

When I tell you I’m hurting…its an understatement. And I don’t think it’ll stop until I die. If I could do it again…I would not become a MOTHER. I’m a mom, for real. I didn’t have kids for fun, a check or by mistake. Since I was a little, little child I told my MOTHER that I wanted 4 children & a kind husband. I had 5 babies, 1 angry, troubled, abusive ex-husband (that’s a whole nother story & 1 kind husband at 35 years old. I spoke it. Who said you can’t speak things into existence? Imma witness that you can.

This never-ending pain is due to my children. Its not their faults. Whoever desires kids, give deep thought to it. I hope I don’t scare ppl into not wanting them but I can’t lie. This is my truth & the truth. You can’t foresee all that’ll happen before you conceive a human being. You may have dreams of the perfect life with them but nothing is perfect. You don’t think about the ER visits after midnight & missing work the next day & the next day after. You don’t see them telling you no & shut up. You don’t see someone hurting your baby’s feelings or body. You don’t see your baby hurting themselves. Unless God blessed you with such a gift that you probably wouldn’t want because you’ll be too afraid to “live”.

I will not give details in respect of my children’s & husband’s privacy. I’ll do my best to express this pain nevertheless. I have 3 teens now (2 younger). 18, 16 and 14. I’m lost at times. I gotta feelin this gone be a long one. Smh…buckle up.  I’m so full of emotion.  I watched this show on Netflix, “13 Reasons Why”.  It opened up something in me.  As a parent we go about our day and honestly not giving much thought into how our children feel inside.  We’ll say things “like kids will be kids” and “they don’t have real problems”.  Why do we say that?  To justify the reason why we want them to listen to us when we tell them to do/feel something cuz they can’t possibly have it as bad as us?  We can’t minimize being a kid.

How can we forget when we were once them?  We do forget.  Time goes on & we develop a new set of problems.  My dilemma now is…wondering what are my kids enduring.  Are they being bullied or they’re the bully?  Are they suicidal or knows someone who is?  Are they facing sexuality stuff? Question after question I can ask myself.  Either way, I don’t know what I can do to help them besides be here.

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I tell them I’m here, I understand cuz I was your age, blah, blah, blah.  They still don’t open up.  I get they may not know how to or even want to but what can I do but wait for something bad to happen that forces their mouths open?  I’m so afraid of that day.  I don’t want to deal with anymore crap.  I have and have had some issues with my kids that I don’t know what to do.  I’ve done counseling & other things.  I’m tired of ppls opinions.  I’m tired of ppl’s quiet judgement.  I believe I’m a good mom that needs some tweeking but things surely come along to make me think otherwise.  I pray but do I pray enough.  This is a waiting game, to see if God will answer but I want answers NOW.

These are my babies. MINE!!!!  I need them happy, safe & successful.  Regardless if I’m not the nicest at times, I need them to know that I would die for them.  The wall.  Something has happened to me.  Something bad.  With me being aware of all of this: kids having problems that they keep inside, I’m still haunted by my past that enables me to show love like I use to or at least show it like I feel it.  Lord make me over!!

My struggle with forgiveness interferes with my parenting.  My fear of being misunderstood, heavy emotions, abandonment interferes with my parenting.  How can my children open up to me when I have this “thing” about me?  I’m not gonna give up but I will be lying to say I haven’t thought about it.  My very own kids have hurt my feelings, made me feel unloved and resented.  And I wanted to show them how it felt like they were adults and needed to be taught a lesson.  But I had to be the mature one and keep loving and providing.  I’m damaged!  That’s not easy being selfless.

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I was abused (emotional, mental, verbal, physical) by the very (4 of 5) men that impregnated me, which made me really angry.  I vowed to be the responsible party and care for the innocent regardless of my needs.  18 years later and somewhere in between, I got & get tired. Naive, trusting and hopeful that 1 day my desire as a child for 4 kids & a kind husband would manifest.  Last baby is named Hope for this reason.  It didn’t go like expected but I’m here.  Bumped & bruised, I’m here.  Not my kids faults.  Children are a huge sacrifice.  For one, on a woman’s body.  I have to live with this body the rest of my life.  Angry about that too at times.

Had my first baby at 16.  I din’t give my body a chance to fully develop into a woman’s body before I stretched it inside & out!  Oh what these breasts could have looked like at 21, I’ll never know.  But hey, imma mom. My feelings & outlook of myself doesn’t matter anymore, right? Wrong.  This is turning into something else.  Go on my thought journey if you will.  Anyway I had 2 babies by 19.  Just graduated high school.  I managed to do that yes.  Had a decent home life, wasn’t perfect but better than just good.  Christian home.  Had morals but I “have” a rebellious side.  Here I am trying to be different than my mom so my kids don’t do what I’ve done.  But I’m my mom in other ways.

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My mom didn’t talk to me much.  That’s partially me.  But…when I do talk to them it’s drawn out.  Are they listening or have zoned out on me?  Did I miss my window some time before?  I know it isn’t too late but doggit, those possible missed windows.  Will they understand that mommy has issues too and I can’t ignore everything about me because they’re here now.  I pray it isn’t too late God.  My 2 oldest are going through.  How do I reach them?  I’m not asking anyone, remember I’m tired of the counsel.  Been at it for years off and on.  It’s time consuming and draining especially when you don’t think it’s working.  Maybe it is.  Maybe my children won’t tell me til years from, “Mom it worked.  The counseling.  Thank you.  I remembered something that helped.”  Was it in vain?  The stress of making appointments to look like a good parent.  Having to hear that you’re a good parent for getting your child help when you’re mainly there so they don’t call child protective services.  There were times I did it on my own and others were in fear.

There was a time that I was stressed and depressed.  Didn’t want added junk in my life.  But it began to pile.  Being a MOTHER was hard.  And at that a strong MOTHER.  That persona was hard to keep up.  Is hard.  Who said don’t EVER let your kids see you cry?  Ok, it’s kool if I can cry due to a movie, my child comes in the room and catches me? But my child can’t catch me cry when I’m sad/hurt/angry?  I have to hide in my room, in the house I pay bills for?  But they can cry & throw tantrums & tell me they hate me & storm to their rooms, that I pay for?  Sometimes I’m in so much pain that I’m not thinking about protecting my children from seeing my tears.  I’m human too!  Mommy hurts and yall cause some of it too.  I love you so much & you don’t see it but I keep going til I can’t anymore & uncontrollable tears run down my face & I don’t have energy to run & hide.  Sorry (not sorry) world that I sometimes let my kids see me be me, the real me.  Not the strong me or yelling me or stand-offish me or emotionally closed off me…me.  When I cry, that’s me.  The inner me that ppl rarely see.  Tired of being strong all the time.  Ppl expect me to be able to handle stuff, even my children.  I sometimes can’t handle schools calling home because of misbehavior.  I sometimes can’t handle them choosing the wrong friends & balancing letting you live a little & fear for your safety.  I sometimes can’t handle them falling off a bike.  Imagine attempting to handle experimenting with drugs and alcohol.  I shut down somewhere in there like, “Oh well, what can I do? They gone do it anyway.”  But maybe it’s “the wall”.  Doesn’t mean I don’t love them but I can’t control everything even though I try…until I burn out.  A merry-go-round of shoulda, coulda, woulda’s.

It’s a lot worrying about our little ppl.  We don’t tell them in detail cuz we think they won’t get it.  Some kids do & some don’t or just don’t care.  The different personalities to deal with (with multiple kids) but they can’t appease 1 mom’s.  We can handle it right?  No, not all the time!!!  It gets overwhelming and we go into a shell too.  Are we even allowed to, world?

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I haven’t been able to cry for my kids (unless in church crying about everything).  Busy keeping up my persona until tonight.  I cry & say a little prayer that God covers my babies.  Hope it’s enough, for now.  I’m a working progress.  The wall.  It’s slowly but surely coming down & I hope it’s not too late to really let my kids in & a love that’s deep within me out.  I want to help them more in the ways “they” need.  I want to, want to help them.  Not cuz the world says that’s what good parents do.  This wall is hurting me because it blocks true love for entering & exiting.  Once down I’m vulnerable to lovelessness & is it worth it coming down?  My carnal protection.  I have to do things Gods way because my way hasn’t really helped from what I see.  It’s stunted me.  So…