Melting Away

Started reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian . I started to change immediately, just like when I watched, No More Sheets by Juanita Bynum. Hardness melting. Like a baby. Soft. Me before me. A new me. Re-molded. I feel like I’m going back to my old, sweet me. It feels gooooood.

Best believe it’s scary too. That means I’m opening myself up to vulnerability. But I need to open for my loved one’s, for me. I can’t get thru to God being hard hearted. And this books speaks about praying to change yourself first before you even attempt to pray for God to change your man. Upon reading I quickly realized this woman knows what she’s talking about. Like she could see right thru me. I am the old her. I’m confessing deliverance now. Speaking things that are not as though they were. But literally feel a tug, pull on my heart as I read the words off the page. Everything rang so true. I do want my husband to change things that God might not see as a problem, but I do. Therefore my focus is off. That’s where the nagging comes in it. And us women talking won’t solve everything. I already knew this, but sometimes we just have to shut up and pray. This is something I have been saying for a while now. And a section of her book is titled “shut up and pray”.

Oh my God this book is amazing so far. I have only gotten up to some of the second chapter. But just the beginning did a lot for me. I can lie to myself and say, “I’m okay, I’m not that bad.” But to see someone claim they are struggling or have struggled the exact same way I have, lets me know that there is more work to be done in me that I’m sweeping under the rug and I’m not okay. And it’s okay to be not okay as long as I try (God’s help) to be okay. I still feel this change in me & the enemy hates it. Even though it has been a few days since I have picked up this book, well really I downloaded it to my phone, but you get the drift, I still feel awareness of my issues and changing taking place. And this change will benefit my entire outlook on life. Building my joy!

A part of my wall has been torn down, there’s more to go though. The part that would not allow me to cry out for my troubled son (she to anger), is cracked and I am still working to knock it all down. While trying to be strong for so long and putting on a good face, I’ve felt that breaking down was weakness. But the word says for when I am weak, I’m strong. Sometimes I have to have those moments of just feeling vulnerable so that God can renew me with His power, not my own. In order for God to here our prayers, they have to come from a clean heart. The heart can not be clean if it is harboring a dark thing. Anger for one. When we go to God about someone who has wronged us, we tend to be angry. We need to confess to him we have thesefeelings and that we don’t want to feel like that anymore. But truthfully we want to stay angry and don’t want to admit it. Because with that anger comes along that wall to keep that person out from hurting us again. But even with that wall up they can still hurt us, again. So we need God’s power to give us compassion and forgiveness because being angry takes a lot of energy.

Being hurt takes a lot of energy too, we just mope (self pity) in it and feel sorry for ourselves at times. Stop it. We have to ask God to help us with us and then pray for the others. And that is hard to do. So that’s why I have more to go cuz the ole girl hasn’t completely changed over night. Some find it easy to forgive & not hold grudges. Not I. I never saw myself as a grudge holder but I am. Oh wow, I embarassed to admit I’m part of the Grudge Crew but its true. Help me Lord.

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