A heart for Wood

It’s been a while. I’m in a better place spiritually and emotionally. God has really worked on me. I’ve found a new love. WOOD! Yes…wood. One day watching the D.I.Y channel I saw what was being done with wood and I got so emotional. My dad is also a bit of a craftsman so why not I right? I have characteristics of both my parents but was searching for more to do with myself. What to pass to my children. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. 
I think that at a certain point every adult questions what they’re doing with their lives. What legacy they’ll leave behind? What will people say about them at their funeral? I’m there. So I plan to do 1 of the many things I’m capable of…now. I’ll be starting my first project of restoring old furniture. Something about it makes me light up inside. I guess taking something that appears to be done and bring it back to life. One man’s trash is this woman’s treasure.

I don’t want this feeling to leave me. I can tell the devil wants to kill it. I’m determined to see it through. I plan on having more than 1 business. This is actually something that I’ll love and making big money from it isn’t the main goal, it’s a bonus. To actually see what my hands can do is a good enough reward. All glory will go to the Father of course. I’m depending on him to bless my mind with ideas and courage to help bring them to fruition.

Doubt begins to set in but I know I’m more than a conqueror and can do all things thru Christ who strengthens. I definitely have to show my children to never quit because of self doubt and naysayers. I must practice what I preach. With the support of my husband too, I’m unstoppable. I want them to be proud of me. Being a boss in more ways than 1. It’s in the blood.



I have a sadness that just falls on me sometimes. Tears fall & I don’t like it. Then again I do. Because I feel like God wants me to release. My family means so much to me. I’ve been tough for a long time. I think I want to be softer. Not getting rid of all the tough but softer. Open. Walls are tumbling within, I think. The weird feeling it brings makes me want to build them back up but I let go more. I think it’s ok. I’ll be ok. I’m ok.

I’m growing. Spiritually. And the enemy wants me to see it as weakness. I have to open up to let God in. Yes, I’m vunerable. To hurt, pain, disappointment, grief, the stuff that causes walls to come up. I’m risking it to let Jesus in, trusting he’ll patch me up each & every time I experience those bad things.

Letting go of inhibitions. Day by day. Step by step. Growing pains! Going in the right direction. There’s fear. I’m not quitting though. I might mess up & pull a wall back up from time to time I imagine. But I know deep within that it’ll stunt my growth & that’s (growth) more important to me.

I not only live for me but for my family. It’s my mission to teach them everything I’m learning. Prevention. I’d HATE for them to make my mistakes. I want them comfortable within but not comfortable if it doesn’t please God. Knowing when to admit faults & make necessary changes. Make it into heaven kids!!!

This is my goal & I want it to be there’s. To be leaders & team players though I like being alone alot of the time. So I want them to do the opposite there. But balance cuz too many people in your life can cause more harm than good as well. I need them to know how to cope with loss, despair, disappointment, anger. And enjoy life. Ride the waves. I’m aware that some things I won’t get thru to them & only experience will. Hate it but it’s the truth. 

So I’ll continue to destroy barriers in me. True joy is awaiting. I need it & I yearn to spread it.


When? When will my children wake up & appreciate me? How long I gotta wait?! I don’t wanna wait! Im feel used & taken advantage of. I could of lost my life for Christ sake. I sacrificed. Oh did I sacrifice. And to hear them praise others…a stab in the front. They do it with out any remorse.

Am I the only parent who wants some appreciation around here? What more can I do really? Can I make them love, honor & respect me over night? Will they get it only once they have kids? Man…I can’t wait that long.

Why do I do what I do for them? If I could do it over, I still might make the same decision but I wish I could just be thoughtless, heartless, non-chalant, dismissive & I don’t knowy like them. Stick it to em & hurt their feelings like they hurt mine. The world says you have only 1 mom so cherish her. Uhhhhh, I’m not feeling it from the older crew. The babies, yes. But these teens, you’d think they would realize where their bread & butter comes from & show some respect.

I hate to see them honor others & not me. But call on me when in want & need. Just seems so unfair. They just stupid. Yea, they’re stupid. And I guess I have to be here to love em in spite of, blah blah blah, til they wisen up. Arghhhhhh!

I don’t think they’ll ever love me right or appreciate me if they don’t now. Ugh!  I’m a decent mom, really. Tough but loving. I give. I hug. I kiss. I apologize. I do projects. I cook. I buy. I comfort. I encourage. I push em at the feet of Jesus. I teach. I listen (could do better tho). That’s worthy of love & honor right. These kids ain’t loyal, for real. I’m trying to live a holy life before them, an example. When will it pay off.

I must have stiff competition. Arghhh! Fix it Jesus!

In Advance

I’m thanking God in advance. For my new home and vehicles. I so need them. For our businesses and success. For my children’s well being, academic excellence, accomplishments and the residing of the Holy Spirit in them. I’m thanking him for the millions of bucks in our bank account. I’m also thanking him for agape love, humility, compassion and forgiving heart. I so need those too. The list goes on!
I’m overjoyed in my spirit. I know it’s the Lord’s doing. Nothing and no one has bought on these inwards feelings. Christ can do this for anyone. I’m drinking a latte and it’s not the caffeine. It taste great but that’s not it. Wow, what a feeling.

Man must not look to people or things to fulfill them or bring purpose. Look to the heavenly Father. As I spoke to my daughter and prepared dinner this spirit of gratitude came over me. And as I thanked him I see me in a new and improved home. I as a hard working brown woman, desire a bad to the bone crib of my liking. Especially one I can afford. And it’s coming. Glory to God!!!

Brand new everything. I claim it in the name of Jesus! Nothings wrong with used but I’ve done that. Hallelujah! In advance, in advance! Great God almighty, in advance!

Imma Believer. I’m growing. I’m being molded.

Naked Awake

I sit here raw, open, bleeding, pink.  I’m bare.  Eyes open, I see.  I see me.  My flaws.  Being held back from freedom by old and new pain.  Shoving it under a rug for so long and now I’m naked.  Bawling, crying for real, like someone close died.  Begging God to fix me.  Surrendering.  For real.  Will I hold on to this day, this feeling, moment of pure reflexion of my inner being?  I’m so raw and open!

Come in Lord.  Mold me and fix me up.  Make me like you for you.  If I live by your will, all will be okay.  I miss the feeling of joy and peace.  Did I ever really have it?  I doubt it.  But I had spurts and I want more, want it all.  Need it all.  You said it will work for my good since I love you.  I do love you.  More and more each day.  Having an encounter(s) with you is necessary.  More of you please.

Remove all the hurt, guilt and doubt from me.  Take away the steel walls covering not only my heart but my body, mind and soul.  Open me up to let you in fully because the walls not only keep the world out, it does the same to you.  I see that now.  To get more of you I have to open up to the bad stuff too and let you work perfectly through me.  I gotta go thru to show your glory when I overcome.  Okay, I give in my Lord. My Savior.  My Everything.  I’m absolutely nothing without you.

I’m in love with you.  So in love.  I need to please you. I need to serve you, my Master.  O God take me, I’m yours.  Use me up and I’ll be glad about it.  When man used me there was no benefit but with you, your promises will be kept.  I can’t make it without you.  Fill me with your precious Holy Ghost and dunamis power from on high.  I have to fight to live for your glory.  I can’t let the devil in and he’s trying.  Attacking from all angles but you see what I don’t.  Give me your spiritual eye to catch him before he gets close.  Give me your tongue to speak your holy word to stop him in his tracks.

I see!  I see I need you.  Don’t beat me anymore.  Well, I may still need a beating from time to time but I hope not.  I want to stay on the straight and narrow path.  No wavering.  When anger rises up I need your love and comfort to soothe me.  When thoughts come that lie on you, I need you to bring back to my memory the promises and fruits of your spirit.  I believe in the Beatitudes more than ever now.  Create me all over again, thru and thru, fix me! Make me over, I’m tired of me.  This shell is nothing.  Renew my spirit, touch my heart and mind, reveal the spiritual world and help me to rightfully divide everything to your liking. I rebuke all fear! It’s not of you.

Here my cry.  Save my family.  Fix them like you’re fixing me.  Open their eyes.  I don’t want them to learn the hard way, as I.  Make them wiser sooner than me.  Pour your wisdom in us, fill our cups. Even if I don’t want ppl to see me as an example, I am. Help me to be a great example of conquering the enemy. Forgiveness and compassion, endow me. Agape love, run my cup over! Rivers of living water, I hunger and thirst. I want everyone to feel the same way.

I need my children saved. Protected. Covered by the blood of the lamb. Have mercy Lord. More grace please. I point fingers but I need changing. Forgive me! I’m willing to let you in and do your thing fully. I still have bouts of doubt with this process, yes. It can be scary but I will speak your word to myself and walk forward. I have prayers I need answered and my heart isn’t right. Im working. Im coming! I hear you! I know it starts with me.

The raw, naked truth is here, slap in my face, chest tight. I’m not right. I’ve sinned by being mean and hard to deal with, talk to, love on. I’ve rejected those close to me and I’m tired of it.

I am free.

Determined to Do

I dream of…doing. Doing what my heart desires. I believe I was born to help ppl. In order to help them I guess I gotta go thru some stuff. I don’t want to suffer but I want to help. So we all have a cross to bear. And I know for sure my life can turn out much worse. So Lord I thank you, I praise you, for grace, mercy & many blessings!

A book, a women support group, daycare, motivational seminars, daycare, mission work, spreading the gospel of the 1 & only Jesus Christ! Say what! The girl gone be busy. At 35 I wonder if I’m starting late. But if I look at it, I’ve been living, gathering information, testimony, to share & motivate, encourage, gladden, inspire, strengthen, restore, revitalize…all dat!  Some will feel a type of way when being spoken to by a person they feel can’t relate. So in order for me to relate to some stuff cuz I surely don’t want to relate to everyyyyythinggggg, I must accept that I gotta live it. Most ppl go thru the same things even if its not exactly, the emotions that arise are the same. Defeat, loss of faith, worthlessness, grief, pain, sadness, doubt, masking, rage, unforgiveness, bitterness, pettiness, etc. We all have felt one or all of these. 

I can’t just not do. Work all my life for a check? Nope. Gotta do something meaningfull. I feel it. Since a child I was hands on with my mom. Nursing her in ways. My kids run to mommy when they have an itch or worse. She knows what to do. Just having sense to take them to the licensed pro’s gets kudos. I care. I wanted to be a nurse but at 35, I don’t want to go to school for that, plus I’m an upcoming entrepreneur. No more being tied to the man! But preparation is taking place. In being taught how to cope with life situations. Real life. No running & ducking. Facing it straight on & staying holy. Now that’s a task. Dealing with ppl, especially that think their fine or right in their stance. Can’t tell them they need fixing. All you’re trying to do is help, right? But you say something the wrong way & now you have an unhappy customer. Well, you gotta know how to deal with that without sitting your religion down and/or giving up all together. That’s where I am. BALANCE.

God’s working, I feel it. I trust him. He knows best. Patience is taking residence & that’s kool. I still feel the ticking clock but the Lord overrides it. I’m getting ready for greatness! Becoming a better me & all credit goes to my Saviour. I’m excited for what’s ahead.

Trying to Still have Joy

As soon as I think I’m getting over, here comes another blow. I heard awesome confirmation yesterday & today about my family & finances. And then 💣! Why did I open this water bill for $480! Whyyyyyyyyy! Now I have to retune my brain to the happy/joyful thoughts. This is the rollercoaster of life. Up…down…up…down. 

I had the mail since last week but didn’t open it til today during a happy/joyful period. A period of recollection of how great my God is. I already felt the enemy wanting to take my morale down. And you know what? He knows just how to get us with the same things. I’m the fool to keep letting it work. God has been providing. Although I hate feeling the struggle, he always takes care of me & mine. This is another opportunity to watch God work! And testify of his goodness. If I can just told to the prophesies I’ve heard & to the promises in his word, my thinking will change. My faith must grow cuz I don’t plan on kicking the bucket any time soon. So in this life I’ll persevere until he calls me home. I can’t go on stressed & doubting him. 

I have the victory over this stinking thinking! Water & sewer get their behind me! Also we gots-tuh fix this 🚽 , smh. This is what procrastinating causes. 

This Wall…hurts.

Castle Heart

When I tell you I’m hurting…its an understatement. And I don’t think it’ll stop until I die. If I could do it again…I would not become a MOTHER. I’m a mom, for real. I didn’t have kids for fun, a check or by mistake. Since I was a little, little child I told my MOTHER that I wanted 4 children & a kind husband. I had 5 babies, 1 angry, troubled, abusive ex-husband (that’s a whole nother story & 1 kind husband at 35 years old. I spoke it. Who said you can’t speak things into existence? Imma witness that you can.

This never-ending pain is due to my children. Its not their faults. Whoever desires kids, give deep thought to it. I hope I don’t scare ppl into not wanting them but I can’t lie. This is my truth & the truth. You can’t foresee all that’ll happen before you conceive a human being. You may have dreams of the perfect life with them but nothing is perfect. You don’t think about the ER visits after midnight & missing work the next day & the next day after. You don’t see them telling you no & shut up. You don’t see someone hurting your baby’s feelings or body. You don’t see your baby hurting themselves. Unless God blessed you with such a gift that you probably wouldn’t want because you’ll be too afraid to “live”.

I will not give details in respect of my children’s & husband’s privacy. I’ll do my best to express this pain nevertheless. I have 3 teens now (2 younger). 18, 16 and 14. I’m lost at times. I gotta feelin this gone be a long one. Smh…buckle up.  I’m so full of emotion.  I watched this show on Netflix, “13 Reasons Why”.  It opened up something in me.  As a parent we go about our day and honestly not giving much thought into how our children feel inside.  We’ll say things “like kids will be kids” and “they don’t have real problems”.  Why do we say that?  To justify the reason why we want them to listen to us when we tell them to do/feel something cuz they can’t possibly have it as bad as us?  We can’t minimize being a kid.

How can we forget when we were once them?  We do forget.  Time goes on & we develop a new set of problems.  My dilemma now is…wondering what are my kids enduring.  Are they being bullied or they’re the bully?  Are they suicidal or knows someone who is?  Are they facing sexuality stuff? Question after question I can ask myself.  Either way, I don’t know what I can do to help them besides be here.

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I tell them I’m here, I understand cuz I was your age, blah, blah, blah.  They still don’t open up.  I get they may not know how to or even want to but what can I do but wait for something bad to happen that forces their mouths open?  I’m so afraid of that day.  I don’t want to deal with anymore crap.  I have and have had some issues with my kids that I don’t know what to do.  I’ve done counseling & other things.  I’m tired of ppls opinions.  I’m tired of ppl’s quiet judgement.  I believe I’m a good mom that needs some tweeking but things surely come along to make me think otherwise.  I pray but do I pray enough.  This is a waiting game, to see if God will answer but I want answers NOW.

These are my babies. MINE!!!!  I need them happy, safe & successful.  Regardless if I’m not the nicest at times, I need them to know that I would die for them.  The wall.  Something has happened to me.  Something bad.  With me being aware of all of this: kids having problems that they keep inside, I’m still haunted by my past that enables me to show love like I use to or at least show it like I feel it.  Lord make me over!!

My struggle with forgiveness interferes with my parenting.  My fear of being misunderstood, heavy emotions, abandonment interferes with my parenting.  How can my children open up to me when I have this “thing” about me?  I’m not gonna give up but I will be lying to say I haven’t thought about it.  My very own kids have hurt my feelings, made me feel unloved and resented.  And I wanted to show them how it felt like they were adults and needed to be taught a lesson.  But I had to be the mature one and keep loving and providing.  I’m damaged!  That’s not easy being selfless.

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I was abused (emotional, mental, verbal, physical) by the very (4 of 5) men that impregnated me, which made me really angry.  I vowed to be the responsible party and care for the innocent regardless of my needs.  18 years later and somewhere in between, I got & get tired. Naive, trusting and hopeful that 1 day my desire as a child for 4 kids & a kind husband would manifest.  Last baby is named Hope for this reason.  It didn’t go like expected but I’m here.  Bumped & bruised, I’m here.  Not my kids faults.  Children are a huge sacrifice.  For one, on a woman’s body.  I have to live with this body the rest of my life.  Angry about that too at times.

Had my first baby at 16.  I din’t give my body a chance to fully develop into a woman’s body before I stretched it inside & out!  Oh what these breasts could have looked like at 21, I’ll never know.  But hey, imma mom. My feelings & outlook of myself doesn’t matter anymore, right? Wrong.  This is turning into something else.  Go on my thought journey if you will.  Anyway I had 2 babies by 19.  Just graduated high school.  I managed to do that yes.  Had a decent home life, wasn’t perfect but better than just good.  Christian home.  Had morals but I “have” a rebellious side.  Here I am trying to be different than my mom so my kids don’t do what I’ve done.  But I’m my mom in other ways.

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My mom didn’t talk to me much.  That’s partially me.  But…when I do talk to them it’s drawn out.  Are they listening or have zoned out on me?  Did I miss my window some time before?  I know it isn’t too late but doggit, those possible missed windows.  Will they understand that mommy has issues too and I can’t ignore everything about me because they’re here now.  I pray it isn’t too late God.  My 2 oldest are going through.  How do I reach them?  I’m not asking anyone, remember I’m tired of the counsel.  Been at it for years off and on.  It’s time consuming and draining especially when you don’t think it’s working.  Maybe it is.  Maybe my children won’t tell me til years from, “Mom it worked.  The counseling.  Thank you.  I remembered something that helped.”  Was it in vain?  The stress of making appointments to look like a good parent.  Having to hear that you’re a good parent for getting your child help when you’re mainly there so they don’t call child protective services.  There were times I did it on my own and others were in fear.

There was a time that I was stressed and depressed.  Didn’t want added junk in my life.  But it began to pile.  Being a MOTHER was hard.  And at that a strong MOTHER.  That persona was hard to keep up.  Is hard.  Who said don’t EVER let your kids see you cry?  Ok, it’s kool if I can cry due to a movie, my child comes in the room and catches me? But my child can’t catch me cry when I’m sad/hurt/angry?  I have to hide in my room, in the house I pay bills for?  But they can cry & throw tantrums & tell me they hate me & storm to their rooms, that I pay for?  Sometimes I’m in so much pain that I’m not thinking about protecting my children from seeing my tears.  I’m human too!  Mommy hurts and yall cause some of it too.  I love you so much & you don’t see it but I keep going til I can’t anymore & uncontrollable tears run down my face & I don’t have energy to run & hide.  Sorry (not sorry) world that I sometimes let my kids see me be me, the real me.  Not the strong me or yelling me or stand-offish me or emotionally closed off me…me.  When I cry, that’s me.  The inner me that ppl rarely see.  Tired of being strong all the time.  Ppl expect me to be able to handle stuff, even my children.  I sometimes can’t handle schools calling home because of misbehavior.  I sometimes can’t handle them choosing the wrong friends & balancing letting you live a little & fear for your safety.  I sometimes can’t handle them falling off a bike.  Imagine attempting to handle experimenting with drugs and alcohol.  I shut down somewhere in there like, “Oh well, what can I do? They gone do it anyway.”  But maybe it’s “the wall”.  Doesn’t mean I don’t love them but I can’t control everything even though I try…until I burn out.  A merry-go-round of shoulda, coulda, woulda’s.

It’s a lot worrying about our little ppl.  We don’t tell them in detail cuz we think they won’t get it.  Some kids do & some don’t or just don’t care.  The different personalities to deal with (with multiple kids) but they can’t appease 1 mom’s.  We can handle it right?  No, not all the time!!!  It gets overwhelming and we go into a shell too.  Are we even allowed to, world?

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I haven’t been able to cry for my kids (unless in church crying about everything).  Busy keeping up my persona until tonight.  I cry & say a little prayer that God covers my babies.  Hope it’s enough, for now.  I’m a working progress.  The wall.  It’s slowly but surely coming down & I hope it’s not too late to really let my kids in & a love that’s deep within me out.  I want to help them more in the ways “they” need.  I want to, want to help them.  Not cuz the world says that’s what good parents do.  This wall is hurting me because it blocks true love for entering & exiting.  Once down I’m vulnerable to lovelessness & is it worth it coming down?  My carnal protection.  I have to do things Gods way because my way hasn’t really helped from what I see.  It’s stunted me.  So…


Hope’s Wallet

My daughter Hope is wise. She has a way with words at 5 years old (6 this week). She’s a daddy’s girl but for some reason now, she showers me with more hugs & kisses. I love it. I receive em in the name of Jesus! Daddy gave her one of his old wallets. Hope already asks for money daily on the way to school. Always on the come up that girl. Well now her wallet is empty & something just isn’t right about that to her.

One day driving to school, I can imagine she’s pondering on the right time to execute her plan to fill her new-used wallet. Her & Peace (brother) say their prayers & listen to music while daddy safely chauffeurs them to higher education. As soon as they arrive she removes her seat belt, slides foward, places her wallet on the arm rest & gives it a gentle pat.

Her dad notices & smiles. He thinks to himself, “This girl is a trip.” She might have said something about money but her actions said it all. I wonder if he regrets giving her that wallet now. Lol! And another thing…if she keeps hitting him up for all the money, what will I have? I have some stuff competition here. They say men melt for their daughters. I think they’re right! Works my nerves at times but I’d rather him be a caring father than absent.

But Hope wasn’t having it about her wallet from daddy. The teacher tried to tell her that women don’t have wallets. Hope took a strong stance, “My daddy gave me this wallet!” Granted some weeks have passed, I have no idea where this wallet is anymore. But that hasn’t stopped her from slightly turning her head, batting her eyes, sometimes placing a finger on her lip…to ask her daddy for “my” money. That’s truly “my” girl. So how angry can I get that she’s ME?

Melting Away

Started reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian . I started to change immediately, just like when I watched, No More Sheets by Juanita Bynum. Hardness melting. Like a baby. Soft. Me before me. A new me. Re-molded. I feel like I’m going back to my old, sweet me. It feels gooooood.

Best believe it’s scary too. That means I’m opening myself up to vulnerability. But I need to open for my loved one’s, for me. I can’t get thru to God being hard hearted. And this books speaks about praying to change yourself first before you even attempt to pray for God to change your man. Upon reading I quickly realized this woman knows what she’s talking about. Like she could see right thru me. I am the old her. I’m confessing deliverance now. Speaking things that are not as though they were. But literally feel a tug, pull on my heart as I read the words off the page. Everything rang so true. I do want my husband to change things that God might not see as a problem, but I do. Therefore my focus is off. That’s where the nagging comes in it. And us women talking won’t solve everything. I already knew this, but sometimes we just have to shut up and pray. This is something I have been saying for a while now. And a section of her book is titled “shut up and pray”.

Oh my God this book is amazing so far. I have only gotten up to some of the second chapter. But just the beginning did a lot for me. I can lie to myself and say, “I’m okay, I’m not that bad.” But to see someone claim they are struggling or have struggled the exact same way I have, lets me know that there is more work to be done in me that I’m sweeping under the rug and I’m not okay. And it’s okay to be not okay as long as I try (God’s help) to be okay. I still feel this change in me & the enemy hates it. Even though it has been a few days since I have picked up this book, well really I downloaded it to my phone, but you get the drift, I still feel awareness of my issues and changing taking place. And this change will benefit my entire outlook on life. Building my joy!

A part of my wall has been torn down, there’s more to go though. The part that would not allow me to cry out for my troubled son (she to anger), is cracked and I am still working to knock it all down. While trying to be strong for so long and putting on a good face, I’ve felt that breaking down was weakness. But the word says for when I am weak, I’m strong. Sometimes I have to have those moments of just feeling vulnerable so that God can renew me with His power, not my own. In order for God to here our prayers, they have to come from a clean heart. The heart can not be clean if it is harboring a dark thing. Anger for one. When we go to God about someone who has wronged us, we tend to be angry. We need to confess to him we have thesefeelings and that we don’t want to feel like that anymore. But truthfully we want to stay angry and don’t want to admit it. Because with that anger comes along that wall to keep that person out from hurting us again. But even with that wall up they can still hurt us, again. So we need God’s power to give us compassion and forgiveness because being angry takes a lot of energy.

Being hurt takes a lot of energy too, we just mope (self pity) in it and feel sorry for ourselves at times. Stop it. We have to ask God to help us with us and then pray for the others. And that is hard to do. So that’s why I have more to go cuz the ole girl hasn’t completely changed over night. Some find it easy to forgive & not hold grudges. Not I. I never saw myself as a grudge holder but I am. Oh wow, I embarassed to admit I’m part of the Grudge Crew but its true. Help me Lord.