Naked Awake

I sit here raw, open, bleeding, pink.  I’m bare.  Eyes open, I see.  I see me.  My flaws.  Being held back from freedom by old and new pain.  Shoving it under a rug for so long and now I’m naked.  Bawling, crying for real, like someone close died.  Begging God to fix me.  Surrendering.  For real.  Will I hold on to this day, this feeling, moment of pure reflexion of my inner being?  I’m so raw and open!

Come in Lord.  Mold me and fix me up.  Make me like you for you.  If I live by your will, all will be okay.  I miss the feeling of joy and peace.  Did I ever really have it?  I doubt it.  But I had spurts and I want more, want it all.  Need it all.  You said it will work for my good since I love you.  I do love you.  More and more each day.  Having an encounter(s) with you is necessary.  More of you please.

Remove all the hurt, guilt and doubt from me.  Take away the steel walls covering not only my heart but my body, mind and soul.  Open me up to let you in fully because the walls not only keep the world out, it does the same to you.  I see that now.  To get more of you I have to open up to the bad stuff too and let you work perfectly through me.  I gotta go thru to show your glory when I overcome.  Okay, I give in my Lord. My Savior.  My Everything.  I’m absolutely nothing without you.

I’m in love with you.  So in love.  I need to please you. I need to serve you, my Master.  O God take me, I’m yours.  Use me up and I’ll be glad about it.  When man used me there was no benefit but with you, your promises will be kept.  I can’t make it without you.  Fill me with your precious Holy Ghost and dunamis power from on high.  I have to fight to live for your glory.  I can’t let the devil in and he’s trying.  Attacking from all angles but you see what I don’t.  Give me your spiritual eye to catch him before he gets close.  Give me your tongue to speak your holy word to stop him in his tracks.

I see!  I see I need you.  Don’t beat me anymore.  Well, I may still need a beating from time to time but I hope not.  I want to stay on the straight and narrow path.  No wavering.  When anger rises up I need your love and comfort to soothe me.  When thoughts come that lie on you, I need you to bring back to my memory the promises and fruits of your spirit.  I believe in the Beatitudes more than ever now.  Create me all over again, thru and thru, fix me! Make me over, I’m tired of me.  This shell is nothing.  Renew my spirit, touch my heart and mind, reveal the spiritual world and help me to rightfully divide everything to your liking. I rebuke all fear! It’s not of you.

Here my cry.  Save my family.  Fix them like you’re fixing me.  Open their eyes.  I don’t want them to learn the hard way, as I.  Make them wiser sooner than me.  Pour your wisdom in us, fill our cups. Even if I don’t want ppl to see me as an example, I am. Help me to be a great example of conquering the enemy. Forgiveness and compassion, endow me. Agape love, run my cup over! Rivers of living water, I hunger and thirst. I want everyone to feel the same way.

I need my children saved. Protected. Covered by the blood of the lamb. Have mercy Lord. More grace please. I point fingers but I need changing. Forgive me! I’m willing to let you in and do your thing fully. I still have bouts of doubt with this process, yes. It can be scary but I will speak your word to myself and walk forward. I have prayers I need answered and my heart isn’t right. Im working. Im coming! I hear you! I know it starts with me.

The raw, naked truth is here, slap in my face, chest tight. I’m not right. I’ve sinned by being mean and hard to deal with, talk to, love on. I’ve rejected those close to me and I’m tired of it.

I am free.

Balance the scale

Too much of something isn’t good (milk, chocolate, excercise, even sex, yea I said it!). Like talking to someone everyday. You end up saying too much. Telling what should stay between you & God. Then you’ll be kicking yourself later & wondering if you talk too much. Hey, we all make mistakes right? Sometimes you gotta pray & stay away from some folk too. You’re not a bad person for doing so. You know that loving from a distance thing? It’s kool. You can’t share everything & you can’t take everyone with you where you go (in life). It’s fine. Even if it’s you “bestie”. Most times it’s those closest who burn you 🔥.
And we be so surprised to find out our lovee’s are hating on us…hard. They let those spirits seep in & don’t rebuke em. Done told em all our secrets. Don’t we feel dumb sometimes?  We live & learn, o-tay? Got to start balancing. Say some, not all. Pray simultaneously as speaking. Asking the holy spirit to guide our tongues. We don’t want to fall into gossip now, do we? None of our words need to be idle, empty, meaningless. Let’s take every opportunity to encourage someone to be better, feel better, do better. Yea we can talk a little about what happened on Scandal. Have a little hee-hee, ha-ha. But ppl are hurting out here. Inspire someone & break off for a bit. We don’t have to say much all the time. Just enough. Because a straw can be stuck in you & all your strength get sucked out and/or you’ll become their human dumpster. Outcome: you’ll be drained and/or acting crazy (not your usual self or worse). Spirits are real honey!

We tend to feel bad when we distance ourselves from others. However it may be necessary. We need time to grow spiritually & it’s hard with distractions. From personal experience I’ll just suggest giving your close ppl a heads up before you fall off the face of the earth. They can feel abandoned. And it may not be personal or it just might be.

Most of us need deliverance from ppl. I sure do. We can’t control each other. We can’t put expectations on each other. We have fleshly moments & fall short. We desire man much but should desire the Lord much more. After all, he is a jealous God. Living in this world doesn’t make us of it. Dare to be different yall! No ppl pleasing. I see I’ll never be able to please everyone no matter how nice & helpful I am. So a God bless you & swift departure is all “some” will receive from me from now on. And that’s okay. I’m finna get to balancing.

Potty Mouth

We all make mistakes often, but those who don’t make mistakes with their words have reached full maturity. Like a bridled horse, they can control themselves entirely.

James 3:2 CEB

Does age determine maturity? Or mental state, body changes? According to the scripture above, it’s one’s ability to control the tongue. In that case, they’re many big babies on earth today. I must admit…I’m one. Ugh…

Okay, I gotta mature. This ole tongue of mine can be toxic. Not only to others but to myself. I’d get upset or discouraged and say what? Negative junk. Bafoolery! Talk (venting) myself right out of a blessing(s). Don’t know what God was finna do. Vile, selfish, off the wall statements. Nah I say I trust God and soon as I don’t get my way my tongue goes to flopping. I’m sick of the doubt that slips in. My mind. I’m a thinker. Over-thinking. I fight myself. My brain & my tongue. I know better. Gotta do better.

I know that God is steady blessing me. Even when it looks arbitrary, I must understand that it’s for my good. But no, I don’t want to give credence to that scripture. I want everything to be perfect. No suffering. No nothin that hurts or frustrates. And that’s not how it goes.

Christ carried his cross. So shall I. I won’t need him, ever, if things are always great, now will I? Why would I (if I were God) create a species that will never tell me thank you as I constantly serve them? Wake em up, breathe life in em, strengthen em, feed & clothe em, bless em beyond measure, remove their enemies, fight their battles, etc…do all that for nothin? Absolutely not! He knows someone with since out there will give him credit for not only what he’s done but who he is (words can’t describe his awesomeness). With that being said, how dare I doubt his power to turn my frowns upside down. He’s been doing it since 1982, why can’t he do it now & forever more? So when ole slew foot tries to get in my head & cause doubt, I gotta rebuke him for God is great. He’s been great & if he decides to take a break from giving me what he has before I need to be patient until he gets back on His bandwagon. I need to shut my mouth if it won’t sing praises, thanks & prophesy of what he’s about to do. Power (of life & death)  is in this tongue. I have the power to tell everything to move so I can produce my purpose.

Filthy, filthy mouth speaking nonsense. And I call myself a Saint. Really? Do I even believe it? Sometimes yes, no, I don’t know. I get weary & complain. Moments in time. Testimony. Mines. He still blesses even when I don’t believe, about let’s sayyyyyy 20-30%. Some have a higher percentage than I do, I might not be so bad. But there should be 0% of doubt. Then for it to be uttered aloud. Oh my God, forgive me. How easily I forget how you kept me for HIV/AIDS (cause yes, I layed with someone positive). How easily I forget how he stopped my car from spinning “off” the overpass. How easily I forget he gave me strength to tell that nasty nigga (grown man) no & he got off of me at the tender age of 14. How easily I forget he allowed me to birth 5 healthy babies, from 4 boys, 1 man & still hold my head high believing I’m worthy of love. He gives me an inner strength to PUSH! And when I get tired, I pray, realise I’m royalty, cut from a different rug, my daddy is a KING, ain’t no quittin…I PUUUUSSSSHHHHHH some more! By golly I’m moooorrreeee than a CONQUEROR. More!

I’ll shut my mouth & stop belittling God’s power to see me thru any & everything challenged. Venturing into unknown territories is part of my spiritual growth. Gonna be faced with things that can cause more doubt but I gotta remember I’m on the winning team. I can do all things thru him for he does strengthen me. Time to grow up & get this 👅 in ✔. That!

Even the world knows about this mouth of mine but Imma change the second to last statement.

No HATE in this ❤

Bizzle said it best, “Homie you can hate me but you get no hate back. Cuz all the hatin in the world won’t make me a hater.”

I know I have haters. I’m the sweetest, meanest person you’ll meet(😜). Why hate me? But it’s inevitable. Everyone won’t have a love like Christ’s. They can keep hating me all the way to fiery hell. I won’t be there. Imma love my way into heaven’s gates. It won’t be easy but I’m pressing. I won’t allow how one feels about me make me just like them. Understand, get out my way tho with the foolishness. The bible says to shun the very presence of evil. I’ll do just that & pray the haters are delivered from their illnesses. The best carnal medicine I can give them is to keep being great. 

At the moment I have absolutely no energy to hate anyone. I need to be this way always. I’m priortizing what really matters. My sanity is #1. The more angry I get about uncontrollable ppl & things, the more tired I am. So I then give it to God when I should’ve from the gate. This world may cause us to become cold. We can’t let it happen. We can’t control ppl but we can control ourselves with the Holy Spirit on board. The devil tries his hardest to throw us off. He knows what gets to us & we fall for it every time. We give hate so much energy instead of forgiveness & love. Agape love. Til we die we’ll be working on something(s) unChrist-like within us. Become aware of it & get to work. Someone needs to see light in this dark place. Choose to be light. If we choose God we’ll be happier. I fight me more than I fight ppl. I’m so tired. And I can’t beat God. See, I’ve been taught the way. I can’t get away from it no matter how hard I try. I am a good person at heart but have been damaged. I know God can heal me…if I let him. I’ve decided to get out the way & heal. Someone is watching me saying if I can do it, even with a smile, they can. Misery loves company. I don’t want ppl miserable & neither do I. I may not want to be an example but I am. God called me to be so. 

We want ppl to listen to us but we don’t listen to God. What if daily he dished out the judgement we give to others? We’ll be begging for mercy. Now…even when ppl don’t apologize, we’re to forgive and let God deal with ’em. I’m taking need to this now. We forgive for our own sanity & righteousness. When you realize you have more things going on that take precedence over how someone feels about you, you can move pass things quicker. I refuse to spew hate back at others because they hate me. I know better, I’m doing better & I can have better because God said so. I refuse to be a miserable human being when God said he’d give me the desires of my heart. I’m worthy of a good life & you are too. We make mistakes. Repent & turn from doing it habitually. Strive to change for the better. We can’t let ppl pull us down to their level. We should actually feel sorry for them & pray for their souls. 

Everyone copes differently. What you’re delivered from, someone still struggles with that thing. Have compassion. I know I’m great & the enemy knows it too. He wants me to think otherwise to bring me closer to him. Won’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not great arrogantly. Great because God didn’t make a mistake when he created me in his image. He broke the mold! Great because his Holy Spirit is within, empowering me to not give up, to fight!  And I pray that everyone feels the same way about themselves. I want to see everyone win! If everybody felt that way…wouldn’t be haters running amuck.

Let it go

What a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I woke up this morning ready to start my day. I was having my usual conversation with my hubby and he began to tell me about a dream he had. This comes to me as no surprise but then again I hoped for better. He saw that a young lady is jealous of me. Now I’m thinking, why would anyone be jealous of little ole me…then again why not? I’m just keeping it real. I hope that people will be spiritually jealous and strive to serve God as I do. That’s the only type of jealousy that I will wish to receive. Let’s get together and be the best Believers we can be. Let’s make the whole world jealous and they’ll wanna be Christians too! You can be blessed like me if only you’ll being obedient to His word. But who’s gonna actually do the work hmmm? Now don’t get me wrong, I struggle and go through just like everyone else, I just have better coping techniques. But sometimes people look at you and perceive your life to be one way (like it’s perfect). Or they will see something in you that you may not see in yourself. A sort of strength/perseverance (that’s kool, thanx). With that being said, that might be what she is doing. However I have spoken to her and no matter how much I can share my story (of ups & downs)  with someone, if they allow that jealousy spirit to attack them all I can do is pray that they fight it. And also that it does not jump on me. I’ve had times where I just wanted to confront her and tell her that I feel she has an issue with me and guess what, now I’m having one with you too. But I fight it. However, the door may be open for me to say something but hopefully in a better, holy way. No matter the situation, I have to be holy. It’s my job to serve God and help win souls. He did not put me on this earth to do what I wanted to do. I can choose to do good or do bad in this life. I choose to do good, to bring some light in this dark place. Wherever I am (home, work, school, store, church, the closet), I never know who is watching me whether they know me or not. I want them to see a young woman that is striving for greatness and bringing others along with me (God as my guide). Mind you, I cannot bring everyone with me & you can’t either. Some may only drag me down. Therefore I have to know when to shake them off (loose me Satan!). This will be hard to do because who wants to just let someone fall by the wayside knowing that they need help. But a person that needs help has to also put in work and truly want it (no pretending). There is no time for pity parties. Too much is happening on today, time is winding up and we need to get on the good foot with living righteously. But she and whoever else that have a jealous bone in their body for me (the Queen) or any other person, needs to let…it…go. Everybody goes through. Don’t look at someone and say I wish I had their this or their that (coveting) or why does all the good things only happen to them and not me or they’re not all that and yada yada yada. You work on you. Be the best you that you can be because someone may very well be looking at you too…and hating on you as well. Treat people the way that you want to be treated. If we will all think that way we’d all treat each other better. Don’t be the person that you speak negatively about. Be better. She needs to let it go. I do not want her to catch me on the wrong day because yes I do have those days where this mouth of mine has no filter. The Holy Spirit & my flesh battle at times. I have to call on him plenty. And if she catches me before I call on him, I do not know what she is going to get from me. So let It go darling. Bind up those demons, call them out & help me stay saved. People have been trying me more than usual lately. Just a few individuals. So I guess this is a new lesson in my life that I’m going through, learning to bite my tongue. There is a time and place for everything. I believe that God will open the door when I am in a better spiritual space to deal with these folk. I am tired of hearing that people are jealous of me and I cannot control that. I will not stop living my life. I plan on living even better! I will not dull my life down for anyone. We don’t say it out loud but sometimes we insinuate or our actions are saying that we want someone to live a less happier life than us, to make us feel better about our situation. Now how selfish is that??? You don’t say it directly but people can read between the lines with some of the statements made and we really need to check ourselves. At times we just don’t want to see other people happier than us. And sometimes people are just putting on a good outward appearance but are hurting inside. They don’t want the whole world to know that they are going through. The same thing that you do, so stop thinking that other people are living such a grander life than you. And this goes for me first. Whatever I speak on I’m the first partaker of it. Maybe I have felt this way about someone and didn’t realize it and maybe that’s why I am going through these trials. I don’t know. But I need to do some soul-searching of my own. Lord knows I have things I just need to let go. It’s long overdue.