A heart for Wood

It’s been a while. I’m in a better place spiritually and emotionally. God has really worked on me. I’ve found a new love. WOOD! Yes…wood. One day watching the D.I.Y channel I saw what was being done with wood and I got so emotional. My dad is also a bit of a craftsman so why not I right? I have characteristics of both my parents but was searching for more to do with myself. What to pass to my children. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. 
I think that at a certain point every adult questions what they’re doing with their lives. What legacy they’ll leave behind? What will people say about them at their funeral? I’m there. So I plan to do 1 of the many things I’m capable of…now. I’ll be starting my first project of restoring old furniture. Something about it makes me light up inside. I guess taking something that appears to be done and bring it back to life. One man’s trash is this woman’s treasure.

I don’t want this feeling to leave me. I can tell the devil wants to kill it. I’m determined to see it through. I plan on having more than 1 business. This is actually something that I’ll love and making big money from it isn’t the main goal, it’s a bonus. To actually see what my hands can do is a good enough reward. All glory will go to the Father of course. I’m depending on him to bless my mind with ideas and courage to help bring them to fruition.

Doubt begins to set in but I know I’m more than a conqueror and can do all things thru Christ who strengthens. I definitely have to show my children to never quit because of self doubt and naysayers. I must practice what I preach. With the support of my husband too, I’m unstoppable. I want them to be proud of me. Being a boss in more ways than 1. It’s in the blood.

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Discovery

I have a sadness that just falls on me sometimes. Tears fall & I don’t like it. Then again I do. Because I feel like God wants me to release. My family means so much to me. I’ve been tough for a long time. I think I want to be softer. Not getting rid of all the tough but softer. Open. Walls are tumbling within, I think. The weird feeling it brings makes me want to build them back up but I let go more. I think it’s ok. I’ll be ok. I’m ok.

I’m growing. Spiritually. And the enemy wants me to see it as weakness. I have to open up to let God in. Yes, I’m vunerable. To hurt, pain, disappointment, grief, the stuff that causes walls to come up. I’m risking it to let Jesus in, trusting he’ll patch me up each & every time I experience those bad things.

Letting go of inhibitions. Day by day. Step by step. Growing pains! Going in the right direction. There’s fear. I’m not quitting though. I might mess up & pull a wall back up from time to time I imagine. But I know deep within that it’ll stunt my growth & that’s (growth) more important to me.

I not only live for me but for my family. It’s my mission to teach them everything I’m learning. Prevention. I’d HATE for them to make my mistakes. I want them comfortable within but not comfortable if it doesn’t please God. Knowing when to admit faults & make necessary changes. Make it into heaven kids!!!

This is my goal & I want it to be there’s. To be leaders & team players though I like being alone alot of the time. So I want them to do the opposite there. But balance cuz too many people in your life can cause more harm than good as well. I need them to know how to cope with loss, despair, disappointment, anger. And enjoy life. Ride the waves. I’m aware that some things I won’t get thru to them & only experience will. Hate it but it’s the truth. 

So I’ll continue to destroy barriers in me. True joy is awaiting. I need it & I yearn to spread it.

When?!!!!!!!

When? When will my children wake up & appreciate me? How long I gotta wait?! I don’t wanna wait! Im feel used & taken advantage of. I could of lost my life for Christ sake. I sacrificed. Oh did I sacrifice. And to hear them praise others…a stab in the front. They do it with out any remorse.

Am I the only parent who wants some appreciation around here? What more can I do really? Can I make them love, honor & respect me over night? Will they get it only once they have kids? Man…I can’t wait that long.

Why do I do what I do for them? If I could do it over, I still might make the same decision but I wish I could just be thoughtless, heartless, non-chalant, dismissive & I don’t knowy like them. Stick it to em & hurt their feelings like they hurt mine. The world says you have only 1 mom so cherish her. Uhhhhh, I’m not feeling it from the older crew. The babies, yes. But these teens, you’d think they would realize where their bread & butter comes from & show some respect.

I hate to see them honor others & not me. But call on me when in want & need. Just seems so unfair. They just stupid. Yea, they’re stupid. And I guess I have to be here to love em in spite of, blah blah blah, til they wisen up. Arghhhhhh!

I don’t think they’ll ever love me right or appreciate me if they don’t now. Ugh!  I’m a decent mom, really. Tough but loving. I give. I hug. I kiss. I apologize. I do projects. I cook. I buy. I comfort. I encourage. I push em at the feet of Jesus. I teach. I listen (could do better tho). That’s worthy of love & honor right. These kids ain’t loyal, for real. I’m trying to live a holy life before them, an example. When will it pay off.

I must have stiff competition. Arghhh! Fix it Jesus!

Determined to Do

I dream of…doing. Doing what my heart desires. I believe I was born to help ppl. In order to help them I guess I gotta go thru some stuff. I don’t want to suffer but I want to help. So we all have a cross to bear. And I know for sure my life can turn out much worse. So Lord I thank you, I praise you, for grace, mercy & many blessings!

A book, a women support group, daycare, motivational seminars, daycare, mission work, spreading the gospel of the 1 & only Jesus Christ! Say what! The girl gone be busy. At 35 I wonder if I’m starting late. But if I look at it, I’ve been living, gathering information, testimony, to share & motivate, encourage, gladden, inspire, strengthen, restore, revitalize…all dat!  Some will feel a type of way when being spoken to by a person they feel can’t relate. So in order for me to relate to some stuff cuz I surely don’t want to relate to everyyyyythinggggg, I must accept that I gotta live it. Most ppl go thru the same things even if its not exactly, the emotions that arise are the same. Defeat, loss of faith, worthlessness, grief, pain, sadness, doubt, masking, rage, unforgiveness, bitterness, pettiness, etc. We all have felt one or all of these. 

I can’t just not do. Work all my life for a check? Nope. Gotta do something meaningfull. I feel it. Since a child I was hands on with my mom. Nursing her in ways. My kids run to mommy when they have an itch or worse. She knows what to do. Just having sense to take them to the licensed pro’s gets kudos. I care. I wanted to be a nurse but at 35, I don’t want to go to school for that, plus I’m an upcoming entrepreneur. No more being tied to the man! But preparation is taking place. In being taught how to cope with life situations. Real life. No running & ducking. Facing it straight on & staying holy. Now that’s a task. Dealing with ppl, especially that think their fine or right in their stance. Can’t tell them they need fixing. All you’re trying to do is help, right? But you say something the wrong way & now you have an unhappy customer. Well, you gotta know how to deal with that without sitting your religion down and/or giving up all together. That’s where I am. BALANCE.

God’s working, I feel it. I trust him. He knows best. Patience is taking residence & that’s kool. I still feel the ticking clock but the Lord overrides it. I’m getting ready for greatness! Becoming a better me & all credit goes to my Saviour. I’m excited for what’s ahead.

Trying to Still have Joy

As soon as I think I’m getting over, here comes another blow. I heard awesome confirmation yesterday & today about my family & finances. And then 💣! Why did I open this water bill for $480! Whyyyyyyyyy! Now I have to retune my brain to the happy/joyful thoughts. This is the rollercoaster of life. Up…down…up…down. 

I had the mail since last week but didn’t open it til today during a happy/joyful period. A period of recollection of how great my God is. I already felt the enemy wanting to take my morale down. And you know what? He knows just how to get us with the same things. I’m the fool to keep letting it work. God has been providing. Although I hate feeling the struggle, he always takes care of me & mine. This is another opportunity to watch God work! And testify of his goodness. If I can just told to the prophesies I’ve heard & to the promises in his word, my thinking will change. My faith must grow cuz I don’t plan on kicking the bucket any time soon. So in this life I’ll persevere until he calls me home. I can’t go on stressed & doubting him. 

I have the victory over this stinking thinking! Water & sewer get their behind me! Also we gots-tuh fix this 🚽 , smh. This is what procrastinating causes. 

Hope’s Wallet

My daughter Hope is wise. She has a way with words at 5 years old (6 this week). She’s a daddy’s girl but for some reason now, she showers me with more hugs & kisses. I love it. I receive em in the name of Jesus! Daddy gave her one of his old wallets. Hope already asks for money daily on the way to school. Always on the come up that girl. Well now her wallet is empty & something just isn’t right about that to her.

One day driving to school, I can imagine she’s pondering on the right time to execute her plan to fill her new-used wallet. Her & Peace (brother) say their prayers & listen to music while daddy safely chauffeurs them to higher education. As soon as they arrive she removes her seat belt, slides foward, places her wallet on the arm rest & gives it a gentle pat.

Her dad notices & smiles. He thinks to himself, “This girl is a trip.” She might have said something about money but her actions said it all. I wonder if he regrets giving her that wallet now. Lol! And another thing…if she keeps hitting him up for all the money, what will I have? I have some stuff competition here. They say men melt for their daughters. I think they’re right! Works my nerves at times but I’d rather him be a caring father than absent.

But Hope wasn’t having it about her wallet from daddy. The teacher tried to tell her that women don’t have wallets. Hope took a strong stance, “My daddy gave me this wallet!” Granted some weeks have passed, I have no idea where this wallet is anymore. But that hasn’t stopped her from slightly turning her head, batting her eyes, sometimes placing a finger on her lip…to ask her daddy for “my” money. That’s truly “my” girl. So how angry can I get that she’s ME?

Courage: Fried Fish

Ok, I did a blog about me not being domestic but I can stomp with the big dogs. Well the past 2 nights I’ve been cooking. Fish! I hate frying fish! Something with my nerves man. I can not tolerate hot grease popping me. But get this, the way I react, I’ll flip the whole pan over! That’s worse than the few pops. Boyyyyy I was praying. Praying that God helped me calm down. I was trying to face my fear here ppl. 

The race isn’t given to the swift or the strong but to those who endure…to the end. I refused to quit. Now a few weeks ago I did Chinese honey chicken. The first few I placed in the pan sizzled. I called my sister to cook em for me. I just couldn’t deal with those miniature hot pellets. 

I see my mom standing over the stove, sweat glistening on her orangey (red boned sista) skin, holding a fork in her right, pan handle in her left, squinting one eye as those fiery grease balls pop her in the face. What a strong woman she was. I aspired to be strong like mama. Well, I guess this apple fell far from the tree cuz I runssssss from the frying pan. Ha!

The last 2 nights though, I hung in there. Mind you, everyone knows when I’m frying cuz my voice carries with ridiculous screams like I’m dying. Nope, I’m just frying, family. Don’t mind me. Just like needles. Scared of those or I was. It’s a mind thing. I told myself once it’s in, it isn’t gonna hurt as bad as I thought. After a while, I stopped bracing myself. Relaxation set it. Only if I can do the same with frying. 

The jumping, standing back, screaming, flipping food over frantically, splashing, breaking out in a sweat, wrapping my hand/arm with towels…dramatic right? Lord help me. 

Oh, the fish was fine. Needed more seasoning both nights. But I’m here to tell my survival story. Chicken, steak, pork chops…same story. Except for the seasoning part (be’s on point).

I will continue my kitchen adventures. I’ll become Martha Stewart in no time! Just gotta invest in a long frying glove. I might have to invent it if it isn’t out there already. Hey! Don’t steal my idea. You know what, go ahead. I need 1 or 2 pronto. As a matter of fact, an entire suit!

Gospel Gangsta

Sitting here talking to the hubster. This dude is a trip. He’s telling me about how he prophesized to the comcast debt collector. He’s a tough one to call too. So beware to any rep’s out there. You’ve been warned. He’ll put on his fake Jamaican accent, start asking you questions & you’ll end up hanging up on him instead of the other way around. Gotta love this dude.

Any who…this particular call went differently. By the time he hung up, the lady was crying & telling him that she needs to pay him instead. Got the woman sobbing at her desk, smh. I guess she had him on speaker which sounds unlawful because he claims her co-workers were shocked too. Maybe he just heard other rep’s in her background, idk. But she was bewildered as to how he knew what she was going through. He said the holy spirit began to reveal her situation & he just opened his mouth. One thing I can say about him, he allows God to use him fearlessly. They even had prayer! I bet she didn’t expect that.

Anyway…we’re not paying them a thang. At least, no time soon that is. God bless!

Potty Mouth

We all make mistakes often, but those who don’t make mistakes with their words have reached full maturity. Like a bridled horse, they can control themselves entirely.

James 3:2 CEB

Does age determine maturity? Or mental state, body changes? According to the scripture above, it’s one’s ability to control the tongue. In that case, they’re many big babies on earth today. I must admit…I’m one. Ugh…

Okay, I gotta mature. This ole tongue of mine can be toxic. Not only to others but to myself. I’d get upset or discouraged and say what? Negative junk. Bafoolery! Talk (venting) myself right out of a blessing(s). Don’t know what God was finna do. Vile, selfish, off the wall statements. Nah I say I trust God and soon as I don’t get my way my tongue goes to flopping. I’m sick of the doubt that slips in. My mind. I’m a thinker. Over-thinking. I fight myself. My brain & my tongue. I know better. Gotta do better.

I know that God is steady blessing me. Even when it looks arbitrary, I must understand that it’s for my good. But no, I don’t want to give credence to that scripture. I want everything to be perfect. No suffering. No nothin that hurts or frustrates. And that’s not how it goes.

Christ carried his cross. So shall I. I won’t need him, ever, if things are always great, now will I? Why would I (if I were God) create a species that will never tell me thank you as I constantly serve them? Wake em up, breathe life in em, strengthen em, feed & clothe em, bless em beyond measure, remove their enemies, fight their battles, etc…do all that for nothin? Absolutely not! He knows someone with since out there will give him credit for not only what he’s done but who he is (words can’t describe his awesomeness). With that being said, how dare I doubt his power to turn my frowns upside down. He’s been doing it since 1982, why can’t he do it now & forever more? So when ole slew foot tries to get in my head & cause doubt, I gotta rebuke him for God is great. He’s been great & if he decides to take a break from giving me what he has before I need to be patient until he gets back on His bandwagon. I need to shut my mouth if it won’t sing praises, thanks & prophesy of what he’s about to do. Power (of life & death)  is in this tongue. I have the power to tell everything to move so I can produce my purpose.

Filthy, filthy mouth speaking nonsense. And I call myself a Saint. Really? Do I even believe it? Sometimes yes, no, I don’t know. I get weary & complain. Moments in time. Testimony. Mines. He still blesses even when I don’t believe, about let’s sayyyyyy 20-30%. Some have a higher percentage than I do, I might not be so bad. But there should be 0% of doubt. Then for it to be uttered aloud. Oh my God, forgive me. How easily I forget how you kept me for HIV/AIDS (cause yes, I layed with someone positive). How easily I forget how he stopped my car from spinning “off” the overpass. How easily I forget he gave me strength to tell that nasty nigga (grown man) no & he got off of me at the tender age of 14. How easily I forget he allowed me to birth 5 healthy babies, from 4 boys, 1 man & still hold my head high believing I’m worthy of love. He gives me an inner strength to PUSH! And when I get tired, I pray, realise I’m royalty, cut from a different rug, my daddy is a KING, ain’t no quittin…I PUUUUSSSSHHHHHH some more! By golly I’m moooorrreeee than a CONQUEROR. More!

I’ll shut my mouth & stop belittling God’s power to see me thru any & everything challenged. Venturing into unknown territories is part of my spiritual growth. Gonna be faced with things that can cause more doubt but I gotta remember I’m on the winning team. I can do all things thru him for he does strengthen me. Time to grow up & get this 👅 in ✔. That!

Even the world knows about this mouth of mine but Imma change the second to last statement.

A lil’ bittuh’ sin?

The actions that are produced by selfish motives are obvious, since they include sexual immorality, moral corruption, doing whatever feels good, idolatry, drug use and casting spells, hate, fighting, obsession, losing your temper, competitive opposition, conflict, selfishness, group rivalry, jealousy, drunkenness, partying, and other things like that. I warn you as I have already warned you, that those who do these kinds of things won’t inherit God’s kingdom. Galatians 5:19‭-‬21 CEB

Are we guilty of anything above? We can think that out “little thing” is ok. We’re so use to it. We grow into lying to ourselves…daily. Justification.

I see me up there. Selfishness. I want my way, a lot. Not really giving thought to how someone else might feel inside. Something as simple as not wanting to share (item, food) may bring up past issues for another. My intentions may not be to personally attack them but I’m so caught up in myself I don’t recognise my harshness at times. 

My loss of temper. Oh yea, happens a lot at home. I don’t have to yell to lose it. The things I utter. Y’all gettin on my nerves. Shut up. Get out. Stop talkin to me. All this because I don’t want to deal with more tasks or whatever. We hurt those closest to us. It isn’t they’re fault (kids even my hubby gets it) I’m an adult with responsibilities.

Doing whatever feels good. I think it’s ok to eat 3 slices of red velvet back to back. Yea right! That’s not conducive to what I’ve been praying for. But I’ll say I deserve it for all the aggravation endured that day. 

You might say some of these examples aren’t a big deal. But they are. My temple must be clean for the holy spirit to have free course. Glutton is a sin. Selfishness is too. Getting angry & acting on it…sin. Love my neighbor as I love me. I love me but putting junk in that could kill me later…uh-uh. Too much of anything can’t be good, hello, “too” much. I pray to God for self control, to say no, to myself.

There are a few others I deal/dealt with. Thank God for his delivering power! But those so called not so bad things, have to be relinquished too, for real. Who’s strong enough to tell themselves the truth? Changing for the better will do us all some good. No shame in it! Once you tell on you the power is taken back.