Melting Away

Started reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian . I started to change immediately, just like when I watched, No More Sheets by Juanita Bynum. Hardness melting. Like a baby. Soft. Me before me. A new me. Re-molded. I feel like I’m going back to my old, sweet me. It feels gooooood.

Best believe it’s scary too. That means I’m opening myself up to vulnerability. But I need to open for my loved one’s, for me. I can’t get thru to God being hard hearted. And this books speaks about praying to change yourself first before you even attempt to pray for God to change your man. Upon reading I quickly realized this woman knows what she’s talking about. Like she could see right thru me. I am the old her. I’m confessing deliverance now. Speaking things that are not as though they were. But literally feel a tug, pull on my heart as I read the words off the page. Everything rang so true. I do want my husband to change things that God might not see as a problem, but I do. Therefore my focus is off. That’s where the nagging comes in it. And us women talking won’t solve everything. I already knew this, but sometimes we just have to shut up and pray. This is something I have been saying for a while now. And a section of her book is titled “shut up and pray”.

Oh my God this book is amazing so far. I have only gotten up to some of the second chapter. But just the beginning did a lot for me. I can lie to myself and say, “I’m okay, I’m not that bad.” But to see someone claim they are struggling or have struggled the exact same way I have, lets me know that there is more work to be done in me that I’m sweeping under the rug and I’m not okay. And it’s okay to be not okay as long as I try (God’s help) to be okay. I still feel this change in me & the enemy hates it. Even though it has been a few days since I have picked up this book, well really I downloaded it to my phone, but you get the drift, I still feel awareness of my issues and changing taking place. And this change will benefit my entire outlook on life. Building my joy!

A part of my wall has been torn down, there’s more to go though. The part that would not allow me to cry out for my troubled son (she to anger), is cracked and I am still working to knock it all down. While trying to be strong for so long and putting on a good face, I’ve felt that breaking down was weakness. But the word says for when I am weak, I’m strong. Sometimes I have to have those moments of just feeling vulnerable so that God can renew me with His power, not my own. In order for God to here our prayers, they have to come from a clean heart. The heart can not be clean if it is harboring a dark thing. Anger for one. When we go to God about someone who has wronged us, we tend to be angry. We need to confess to him we have thesefeelings and that we don’t want to feel like that anymore. But truthfully we want to stay angry and don’t want to admit it. Because with that anger comes along that wall to keep that person out from hurting us again. But even with that wall up they can still hurt us, again. So we need God’s power to give us compassion and forgiveness because being angry takes a lot of energy.

Being hurt takes a lot of energy too, we just mope (self pity) in it and feel sorry for ourselves at times. Stop it. We have to ask God to help us with us and then pray for the others. And that is hard to do. So that’s why I have more to go cuz the ole girl hasn’t completely changed over night. Some find it easy to forgive & not hold grudges. Not I. I never saw myself as a grudge holder but I am. Oh wow, I embarassed to admit I’m part of the Grudge Crew but its true. Help me Lord.

Courage: Fried Fish

Ok, I did a blog about me not being domestic but I can stomp with the big dogs. Well the past 2 nights I’ve been cooking. Fish! I hate frying fish! Something with my nerves man. I can not tolerate hot grease popping me. But get this, the way I react, I’ll flip the whole pan over! That’s worse than the few pops. Boyyyyy I was praying. Praying that God helped me calm down. I was trying to face my fear here ppl. 

The race isn’t given to the swift or the strong but to those who endure…to the end. I refused to quit. Now a few weeks ago I did Chinese honey chicken. The first few I placed in the pan sizzled. I called my sister to cook em for me. I just couldn’t deal with those miniature hot pellets. 

I see my mom standing over the stove, sweat glistening on her orangey (red boned sista) skin, holding a fork in her right, pan handle in her left, squinting one eye as those fiery grease balls pop her in the face. What a strong woman she was. I aspired to be strong like mama. Well, I guess this apple fell far from the tree cuz I runssssss from the frying pan. Ha!

The last 2 nights though, I hung in there. Mind you, everyone knows when I’m frying cuz my voice carries with ridiculous screams like I’m dying. Nope, I’m just frying, family. Don’t mind me. Just like needles. Scared of those or I was. It’s a mind thing. I told myself once it’s in, it isn’t gonna hurt as bad as I thought. After a while, I stopped bracing myself. Relaxation set it. Only if I can do the same with frying. 

The jumping, standing back, screaming, flipping food over frantically, splashing, breaking out in a sweat, wrapping my hand/arm with towels…dramatic right? Lord help me. 

Oh, the fish was fine. Needed more seasoning both nights. But I’m here to tell my survival story. Chicken, steak, pork chops…same story. Except for the seasoning part (be’s on point).

I will continue my kitchen adventures. I’ll become Martha Stewart in no time! Just gotta invest in a long frying glove. I might have to invent it if it isn’t out there already. Hey! Don’t steal my idea. You know what, go ahead. I need 1 or 2 pronto. As a matter of fact, an entire suit!

Potty Mouth

We all make mistakes often, but those who don’t make mistakes with their words have reached full maturity. Like a bridled horse, they can control themselves entirely.

James 3:2 CEB

Does age determine maturity? Or mental state, body changes? According to the scripture above, it’s one’s ability to control the tongue. In that case, they’re many big babies on earth today. I must admit…I’m one. Ugh…

Okay, I gotta mature. This ole tongue of mine can be toxic. Not only to others but to myself. I’d get upset or discouraged and say what? Negative junk. Bafoolery! Talk (venting) myself right out of a blessing(s). Don’t know what God was finna do. Vile, selfish, off the wall statements. Nah I say I trust God and soon as I don’t get my way my tongue goes to flopping. I’m sick of the doubt that slips in. My mind. I’m a thinker. Over-thinking. I fight myself. My brain & my tongue. I know better. Gotta do better.

I know that God is steady blessing me. Even when it looks arbitrary, I must understand that it’s for my good. But no, I don’t want to give credence to that scripture. I want everything to be perfect. No suffering. No nothin that hurts or frustrates. And that’s not how it goes.

Christ carried his cross. So shall I. I won’t need him, ever, if things are always great, now will I? Why would I (if I were God) create a species that will never tell me thank you as I constantly serve them? Wake em up, breathe life in em, strengthen em, feed & clothe em, bless em beyond measure, remove their enemies, fight their battles, etc…do all that for nothin? Absolutely not! He knows someone with since out there will give him credit for not only what he’s done but who he is (words can’t describe his awesomeness). With that being said, how dare I doubt his power to turn my frowns upside down. He’s been doing it since 1982, why can’t he do it now & forever more? So when ole slew foot tries to get in my head & cause doubt, I gotta rebuke him for God is great. He’s been great & if he decides to take a break from giving me what he has before I need to be patient until he gets back on His bandwagon. I need to shut my mouth if it won’t sing praises, thanks & prophesy of what he’s about to do. Power (of life & death)  is in this tongue. I have the power to tell everything to move so I can produce my purpose.

Filthy, filthy mouth speaking nonsense. And I call myself a Saint. Really? Do I even believe it? Sometimes yes, no, I don’t know. I get weary & complain. Moments in time. Testimony. Mines. He still blesses even when I don’t believe, about let’s sayyyyyy 20-30%. Some have a higher percentage than I do, I might not be so bad. But there should be 0% of doubt. Then for it to be uttered aloud. Oh my God, forgive me. How easily I forget how you kept me for HIV/AIDS (cause yes, I layed with someone positive). How easily I forget how he stopped my car from spinning “off” the overpass. How easily I forget he gave me strength to tell that nasty nigga (grown man) no & he got off of me at the tender age of 14. How easily I forget he allowed me to birth 5 healthy babies, from 4 boys, 1 man & still hold my head high believing I’m worthy of love. He gives me an inner strength to PUSH! And when I get tired, I pray, realise I’m royalty, cut from a different rug, my daddy is a KING, ain’t no quittin…I PUUUUSSSSHHHHHH some more! By golly I’m moooorrreeee than a CONQUEROR. More!

I’ll shut my mouth & stop belittling God’s power to see me thru any & everything challenged. Venturing into unknown territories is part of my spiritual growth. Gonna be faced with things that can cause more doubt but I gotta remember I’m on the winning team. I can do all things thru him for he does strengthen me. Time to grow up & get this 👅 in ✔. That!

Even the world knows about this mouth of mine but Imma change the second to last statement.

No HATE in this ❤

Bizzle said it best, “Homie you can hate me but you get no hate back. Cuz all the hatin in the world won’t make me a hater.”

I know I have haters. I’m the sweetest, meanest person you’ll meet(😜). Why hate me? But it’s inevitable. Everyone won’t have a love like Christ’s. They can keep hating me all the way to fiery hell. I won’t be there. Imma love my way into heaven’s gates. It won’t be easy but I’m pressing. I won’t allow how one feels about me make me just like them. Understand, get out my way tho with the foolishness. The bible says to shun the very presence of evil. I’ll do just that & pray the haters are delivered from their illnesses. The best carnal medicine I can give them is to keep being great. 

At the moment I have absolutely no energy to hate anyone. I need to be this way always. I’m priortizing what really matters. My sanity is #1. The more angry I get about uncontrollable ppl & things, the more tired I am. So I then give it to God when I should’ve from the gate. This world may cause us to become cold. We can’t let it happen. We can’t control ppl but we can control ourselves with the Holy Spirit on board. The devil tries his hardest to throw us off. He knows what gets to us & we fall for it every time. We give hate so much energy instead of forgiveness & love. Agape love. Til we die we’ll be working on something(s) unChrist-like within us. Become aware of it & get to work. Someone needs to see light in this dark place. Choose to be light. If we choose God we’ll be happier. I fight me more than I fight ppl. I’m so tired. And I can’t beat God. See, I’ve been taught the way. I can’t get away from it no matter how hard I try. I am a good person at heart but have been damaged. I know God can heal me…if I let him. I’ve decided to get out the way & heal. Someone is watching me saying if I can do it, even with a smile, they can. Misery loves company. I don’t want ppl miserable & neither do I. I may not want to be an example but I am. God called me to be so. 

We want ppl to listen to us but we don’t listen to God. What if daily he dished out the judgement we give to others? We’ll be begging for mercy. Now…even when ppl don’t apologize, we’re to forgive and let God deal with ’em. I’m taking need to this now. We forgive for our own sanity & righteousness. When you realize you have more things going on that take precedence over how someone feels about you, you can move pass things quicker. I refuse to spew hate back at others because they hate me. I know better, I’m doing better & I can have better because God said so. I refuse to be a miserable human being when God said he’d give me the desires of my heart. I’m worthy of a good life & you are too. We make mistakes. Repent & turn from doing it habitually. Strive to change for the better. We can’t let ppl pull us down to their level. We should actually feel sorry for them & pray for their souls. 

Everyone copes differently. What you’re delivered from, someone still struggles with that thing. Have compassion. I know I’m great & the enemy knows it too. He wants me to think otherwise to bring me closer to him. Won’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not great arrogantly. Great because God didn’t make a mistake when he created me in his image. He broke the mold! Great because his Holy Spirit is within, empowering me to not give up, to fight!  And I pray that everyone feels the same way about themselves. I want to see everyone win! If everybody felt that way…wouldn’t be haters running amuck.

Moving on

I’ve decided to move on. Moving on from the past. Moving on from old friends and associates. Moving on from situations. Moving on from stinking thinking. Moving on from unforgiveness. Moving on from doubt. Moving on from my bad attitude. Moving on from questioning myself. I’m fed up. I’m moving on from losing. I’m moving on from self-loathing. I’m moving on from depression and stress. I will not let the devil win. When he gets the mind, he will get the body. I am victorious. I am my own worst enemy and I know better. The devil sit s back and laughs at me. Those days are over. I’m more than a conqueror and I’m moving on from thinking otherwise. 
Who’s with me?

Let it go

What a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I woke up this morning ready to start my day. I was having my usual conversation with my hubby and he began to tell me about a dream he had. This comes to me as no surprise but then again I hoped for better. He saw that a young lady is jealous of me. Now I’m thinking, why would anyone be jealous of little ole me…then again why not? I’m just keeping it real. I hope that people will be spiritually jealous and strive to serve God as I do. That’s the only type of jealousy that I will wish to receive. Let’s get together and be the best Believers we can be. Let’s make the whole world jealous and they’ll wanna be Christians too! You can be blessed like me if only you’ll being obedient to His word. But who’s gonna actually do the work hmmm? Now don’t get me wrong, I struggle and go through just like everyone else, I just have better coping techniques. But sometimes people look at you and perceive your life to be one way (like it’s perfect). Or they will see something in you that you may not see in yourself. A sort of strength/perseverance (that’s kool, thanx). With that being said, that might be what she is doing. However I have spoken to her and no matter how much I can share my story (of ups & downs)  with someone, if they allow that jealousy spirit to attack them all I can do is pray that they fight it. And also that it does not jump on me. I’ve had times where I just wanted to confront her and tell her that I feel she has an issue with me and guess what, now I’m having one with you too. But I fight it. However, the door may be open for me to say something but hopefully in a better, holy way. No matter the situation, I have to be holy. It’s my job to serve God and help win souls. He did not put me on this earth to do what I wanted to do. I can choose to do good or do bad in this life. I choose to do good, to bring some light in this dark place. Wherever I am (home, work, school, store, church, the closet), I never know who is watching me whether they know me or not. I want them to see a young woman that is striving for greatness and bringing others along with me (God as my guide). Mind you, I cannot bring everyone with me & you can’t either. Some may only drag me down. Therefore I have to know when to shake them off (loose me Satan!). This will be hard to do because who wants to just let someone fall by the wayside knowing that they need help. But a person that needs help has to also put in work and truly want it (no pretending). There is no time for pity parties. Too much is happening on today, time is winding up and we need to get on the good foot with living righteously. But she and whoever else that have a jealous bone in their body for me (the Queen) or any other person, needs to let…it…go. Everybody goes through. Don’t look at someone and say I wish I had their this or their that (coveting) or why does all the good things only happen to them and not me or they’re not all that and yada yada yada. You work on you. Be the best you that you can be because someone may very well be looking at you too…and hating on you as well. Treat people the way that you want to be treated. If we will all think that way we’d all treat each other better. Don’t be the person that you speak negatively about. Be better. She needs to let it go. I do not want her to catch me on the wrong day because yes I do have those days where this mouth of mine has no filter. The Holy Spirit & my flesh battle at times. I have to call on him plenty. And if she catches me before I call on him, I do not know what she is going to get from me. So let It go darling. Bind up those demons, call them out & help me stay saved. People have been trying me more than usual lately. Just a few individuals. So I guess this is a new lesson in my life that I’m going through, learning to bite my tongue. There is a time and place for everything. I believe that God will open the door when I am in a better spiritual space to deal with these folk. I am tired of hearing that people are jealous of me and I cannot control that. I will not stop living my life. I plan on living even better! I will not dull my life down for anyone. We don’t say it out loud but sometimes we insinuate or our actions are saying that we want someone to live a less happier life than us, to make us feel better about our situation. Now how selfish is that??? You don’t say it directly but people can read between the lines with some of the statements made and we really need to check ourselves. At times we just don’t want to see other people happier than us. And sometimes people are just putting on a good outward appearance but are hurting inside. They don’t want the whole world to know that they are going through. The same thing that you do, so stop thinking that other people are living such a grander life than you. And this goes for me first. Whatever I speak on I’m the first partaker of it. Maybe I have felt this way about someone and didn’t realize it and maybe that’s why I am going through these trials. I don’t know. But I need to do some soul-searching of my own. Lord knows I have things I just need to let go. It’s long overdue.