This Wall…hurts.

Castle Heart

When I tell you I’m hurting…its an understatement. And I don’t think it’ll stop until I die. If I could do it again…I would not become a MOTHER. I’m a mom, for real. I didn’t have kids for fun, a check or by mistake. Since I was a little, little child I told my MOTHER that I wanted 4 children & a kind husband. I had 5 babies, 1 angry, troubled, abusive ex-husband (that’s a whole nother story & 1 kind husband at 35 years old. I spoke it. Who said you can’t speak things into existence? Imma witness that you can.

This never-ending pain is due to my children. Its not their faults. Whoever desires kids, give deep thought to it. I hope I don’t scare ppl into not wanting them but I can’t lie. This is my truth & the truth. You can’t foresee all that’ll happen before you conceive a human being. You may have dreams of the perfect life with them but nothing is perfect. You don’t think about the ER visits after midnight & missing work the next day & the next day after. You don’t see them telling you no & shut up. You don’t see someone hurting your baby’s feelings or body. You don’t see your baby hurting themselves. Unless God blessed you with such a gift that you probably wouldn’t want because you’ll be too afraid to “live”.

I will not give details in respect of my children’s & husband’s privacy. I’ll do my best to express this pain nevertheless. I have 3 teens now (2 younger). 18, 16 and 14. I’m lost at times. I gotta feelin this gone be a long one. Smh…buckle up.  I’m so full of emotion.  I watched this show on Netflix, “13 Reasons Why”.  It opened up something in me.  As a parent we go about our day and honestly not giving much thought into how our children feel inside.  We’ll say things “like kids will be kids” and “they don’t have real problems”.  Why do we say that?  To justify the reason why we want them to listen to us when we tell them to do/feel something cuz they can’t possibly have it as bad as us?  We can’t minimize being a kid.

How can we forget when we were once them?  We do forget.  Time goes on & we develop a new set of problems.  My dilemma now is…wondering what are my kids enduring.  Are they being bullied or they’re the bully?  Are they suicidal or knows someone who is?  Are they facing sexuality stuff? Question after question I can ask myself.  Either way, I don’t know what I can do to help them besides be here.

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I tell them I’m here, I understand cuz I was your age, blah, blah, blah.  They still don’t open up.  I get they may not know how to or even want to but what can I do but wait for something bad to happen that forces their mouths open?  I’m so afraid of that day.  I don’t want to deal with anymore crap.  I have and have had some issues with my kids that I don’t know what to do.  I’ve done counseling & other things.  I’m tired of ppls opinions.  I’m tired of ppl’s quiet judgement.  I believe I’m a good mom that needs some tweeking but things surely come along to make me think otherwise.  I pray but do I pray enough.  This is a waiting game, to see if God will answer but I want answers NOW.

These are my babies. MINE!!!!  I need them happy, safe & successful.  Regardless if I’m not the nicest at times, I need them to know that I would die for them.  The wall.  Something has happened to me.  Something bad.  With me being aware of all of this: kids having problems that they keep inside, I’m still haunted by my past that enables me to show love like I use to or at least show it like I feel it.  Lord make me over!!

My struggle with forgiveness interferes with my parenting.  My fear of being misunderstood, heavy emotions, abandonment interferes with my parenting.  How can my children open up to me when I have this “thing” about me?  I’m not gonna give up but I will be lying to say I haven’t thought about it.  My very own kids have hurt my feelings, made me feel unloved and resented.  And I wanted to show them how it felt like they were adults and needed to be taught a lesson.  But I had to be the mature one and keep loving and providing.  I’m damaged!  That’s not easy being selfless.

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I was abused (emotional, mental, verbal, physical) by the very (4 of 5) men that impregnated me, which made me really angry.  I vowed to be the responsible party and care for the innocent regardless of my needs.  18 years later and somewhere in between, I got & get tired. Naive, trusting and hopeful that 1 day my desire as a child for 4 kids & a kind husband would manifest.  Last baby is named Hope for this reason.  It didn’t go like expected but I’m here.  Bumped & bruised, I’m here.  Not my kids faults.  Children are a huge sacrifice.  For one, on a woman’s body.  I have to live with this body the rest of my life.  Angry about that too at times.

Had my first baby at 16.  I din’t give my body a chance to fully develop into a woman’s body before I stretched it inside & out!  Oh what these breasts could have looked like at 21, I’ll never know.  But hey, imma mom. My feelings & outlook of myself doesn’t matter anymore, right? Wrong.  This is turning into something else.  Go on my thought journey if you will.  Anyway I had 2 babies by 19.  Just graduated high school.  I managed to do that yes.  Had a decent home life, wasn’t perfect but better than just good.  Christian home.  Had morals but I “have” a rebellious side.  Here I am trying to be different than my mom so my kids don’t do what I’ve done.  But I’m my mom in other ways.

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My mom didn’t talk to me much.  That’s partially me.  But…when I do talk to them it’s drawn out.  Are they listening or have zoned out on me?  Did I miss my window some time before?  I know it isn’t too late but doggit, those possible missed windows.  Will they understand that mommy has issues too and I can’t ignore everything about me because they’re here now.  I pray it isn’t too late God.  My 2 oldest are going through.  How do I reach them?  I’m not asking anyone, remember I’m tired of the counsel.  Been at it for years off and on.  It’s time consuming and draining especially when you don’t think it’s working.  Maybe it is.  Maybe my children won’t tell me til years from, “Mom it worked.  The counseling.  Thank you.  I remembered something that helped.”  Was it in vain?  The stress of making appointments to look like a good parent.  Having to hear that you’re a good parent for getting your child help when you’re mainly there so they don’t call child protective services.  There were times I did it on my own and others were in fear.

There was a time that I was stressed and depressed.  Didn’t want added junk in my life.  But it began to pile.  Being a MOTHER was hard.  And at that a strong MOTHER.  That persona was hard to keep up.  Is hard.  Who said don’t EVER let your kids see you cry?  Ok, it’s kool if I can cry due to a movie, my child comes in the room and catches me? But my child can’t catch me cry when I’m sad/hurt/angry?  I have to hide in my room, in the house I pay bills for?  But they can cry & throw tantrums & tell me they hate me & storm to their rooms, that I pay for?  Sometimes I’m in so much pain that I’m not thinking about protecting my children from seeing my tears.  I’m human too!  Mommy hurts and yall cause some of it too.  I love you so much & you don’t see it but I keep going til I can’t anymore & uncontrollable tears run down my face & I don’t have energy to run & hide.  Sorry (not sorry) world that I sometimes let my kids see me be me, the real me.  Not the strong me or yelling me or stand-offish me or emotionally closed off me…me.  When I cry, that’s me.  The inner me that ppl rarely see.  Tired of being strong all the time.  Ppl expect me to be able to handle stuff, even my children.  I sometimes can’t handle schools calling home because of misbehavior.  I sometimes can’t handle them choosing the wrong friends & balancing letting you live a little & fear for your safety.  I sometimes can’t handle them falling off a bike.  Imagine attempting to handle experimenting with drugs and alcohol.  I shut down somewhere in there like, “Oh well, what can I do? They gone do it anyway.”  But maybe it’s “the wall”.  Doesn’t mean I don’t love them but I can’t control everything even though I try…until I burn out.  A merry-go-round of shoulda, coulda, woulda’s.

It’s a lot worrying about our little ppl.  We don’t tell them in detail cuz we think they won’t get it.  Some kids do & some don’t or just don’t care.  The different personalities to deal with (with multiple kids) but they can’t appease 1 mom’s.  We can handle it right?  No, not all the time!!!  It gets overwhelming and we go into a shell too.  Are we even allowed to, world?

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I haven’t been able to cry for my kids (unless in church crying about everything).  Busy keeping up my persona until tonight.  I cry & say a little prayer that God covers my babies.  Hope it’s enough, for now.  I’m a working progress.  The wall.  It’s slowly but surely coming down & I hope it’s not too late to really let my kids in & a love that’s deep within me out.  I want to help them more in the ways “they” need.  I want to, want to help them.  Not cuz the world says that’s what good parents do.  This wall is hurting me because it blocks true love for entering & exiting.  Once down I’m vulnerable to lovelessness & is it worth it coming down?  My carnal protection.  I have to do things Gods way because my way hasn’t really helped from what I see.  It’s stunted me.  So…

 

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Courage: Fried Fish

Ok, I did a blog about me not being domestic but I can stomp with the big dogs. Well the past 2 nights I’ve been cooking. Fish! I hate frying fish! Something with my nerves man. I can not tolerate hot grease popping me. But get this, the way I react, I’ll flip the whole pan over! That’s worse than the few pops. Boyyyyy I was praying. Praying that God helped me calm down. I was trying to face my fear here ppl. 

The race isn’t given to the swift or the strong but to those who endure…to the end. I refused to quit. Now a few weeks ago I did Chinese honey chicken. The first few I placed in the pan sizzled. I called my sister to cook em for me. I just couldn’t deal with those miniature hot pellets. 

I see my mom standing over the stove, sweat glistening on her orangey (red boned sista) skin, holding a fork in her right, pan handle in her left, squinting one eye as those fiery grease balls pop her in the face. What a strong woman she was. I aspired to be strong like mama. Well, I guess this apple fell far from the tree cuz I runssssss from the frying pan. Ha!

The last 2 nights though, I hung in there. Mind you, everyone knows when I’m frying cuz my voice carries with ridiculous screams like I’m dying. Nope, I’m just frying, family. Don’t mind me. Just like needles. Scared of those or I was. It’s a mind thing. I told myself once it’s in, it isn’t gonna hurt as bad as I thought. After a while, I stopped bracing myself. Relaxation set it. Only if I can do the same with frying. 

The jumping, standing back, screaming, flipping food over frantically, splashing, breaking out in a sweat, wrapping my hand/arm with towels…dramatic right? Lord help me. 

Oh, the fish was fine. Needed more seasoning both nights. But I’m here to tell my survival story. Chicken, steak, pork chops…same story. Except for the seasoning part (be’s on point).

I will continue my kitchen adventures. I’ll become Martha Stewart in no time! Just gotta invest in a long frying glove. I might have to invent it if it isn’t out there already. Hey! Don’t steal my idea. You know what, go ahead. I need 1 or 2 pronto. As a matter of fact, an entire suit!

What type of mom am I? I might be weird and normal all together.

super mom.jpgYou know how you can do something well but don’t want to?  Like cooking (me), cleaning (me), other stuff I can’t think of momentarily (probably me too).  I’m trying to figure out what I can do as a hobby.  So I started blogging.  I’ve always loved writing since a kid.  Now I type instead, same thing, lol.  But what else do I like?  I love the computer.  Wanted to be a computer tech but I probably just wanted to play on the pc all day.  Didn’t understand what a tech did, it just sounded kool.  Oh! I use to always take things apart and put em back together.  Sooooo, I like to use my hands and figure (fix) out things.  What job/hobby is that?  I’m a Ms. Fix It.  I love caring for ppl.  Wanted to be a nurse, still do but would rather be my own boss.  I love babies so I’m opting to open a daycare.  At 35 I don’t want to start school for nursing now.  I think I could still  be a computer fixer but of the programs and not the actual computer. School for that might not take too long.  But I’m sticking with the daycare, I’ll be the BOSS.

sewing mom

Other than that, hobbies?  Don’t fish (probably can), don’t do arts and crafts (probably can), can cook, don’t like it but like eating, can do hair a little, don’t like that either, the list goes on.  So what will I pass to my kids?  I love the Playstation 3.  Games! Cards, board, outdoor, pc. I’m a gamer.  I can do that with my kiddies.  They’ll grow up and say, “I use to play games with my mom. She taught me how not to be a sore loser cuz she beat me every time and laughed in my face.”

game mom

That doesn’t sound as kool as, “My mom taught me how to sew.”  Oh yea, I took sewing in school and loved it.  But…I’m not that interested enough to buy a machine.  What kind of woman/mom am I?  I don’t like sports (except boxing, mma, some tennis).  I like travelling but need the money, so i haven’t done that but once with all the kids.  I’m not into nature but I love looking at beautiful pics and oohing and ahhing as I drive by the scenery.  Although I do want to try camping but it has to be where we get cell reception and running water.  Some kind of RV camp.  I know it exists.  It has to.  I love movies.  Maybe I can be a movie critic.  But does that count as something to teach my kids?  I work, pay bills, come home, lay down, play on my phone/pc, watch tv, text, cook when I have to, wash clothes when I have to (kids and husband do that), clean up when I have to (kids and husband barely do that but it’s enough until I get pissed if it isn’t to my liking). The funnest things are laying down, my phone, tv and pc.  Why do I not enjoy baking and washing dishes like my mom did?

super mom 2

I try to show my kids strength through my instructions without telling them about the grown-up struggles too much (bills, haters at work, etc). Guiding them through day to day experiences. I tell them how they should be loving individuals like Jesus , clean their body’s and surrounding,  how to cope with stress and mean ppl, forgive, when to walk away and/or take a stand, all that good stuff.  Most of all…I LOVE GOD.  Everything I teach them revolves around God. We’re avid church goers.  I hope that’s enough teaching and should be satisfied with that.  Maybe with me it’s not so much of the physical I teach but more verbal and showing them by the way I simply live.  I don’t want them to be just like me but I do want them to be like me.  Have a heart, driven to succeed and care for themselves as well as others.  But not get trampled over either cuz I’ve been there too. I still want them to say they learned how to do something besides iron they’re clothes cuz their mama didn’t want to.  Again…why am i not domestic.

super mom 3

Soon as they were old enough to do things, I put em to work.  Then they did for the younger ones.  I was never a stay home mom.  Just trying to balance both my worlds. Maybe once I start the business I’ll begin to love other things that I can teach them.  Oh, I’d like to grow a garden. I tell myself keeping a roof over their heads is plenty.  But I once was a kid and wanted my mom do do things with me, she didn’t.  Maybe that’s why I am the way I am.  She had me at 45.  An older woman.  She wasn’t into hopping around with me that much. She’d push me out the kitchen most times when I asked to help, it was more like I was just in the way.  Although i enjoyed liking the pots when she did cakes a pies.  She’d call me in for that.  I mix things a little but not die-hard teaching me to cook. I still can cook though. I do that same thing sometimes with my kids when they ask to help.  I like my space and focus.  Who can go shopping with kids?  I hate it, with the younger one’s mostly.

cooking mom 2

Oh yea, I like encouraging ppl to keep striving.  That’s a ummmm…motivational speaker right?!  I also want a women’s support group with some pregnant teens mixed in.  But I can’t teach my kids that.  That’s more like something learned by watching my mannerisms, actions, life, watching me “do”.  Can’t explain it as well as I’d like to. I’ll figure it out.  Maybe it’ll hit me like a ton of bricks.  How much fun is it coming home, learning how to write properly (cuz blogging is what mommy’s into now) after a 6 hour-long day in school?  They don’t want to learn that from me, I don’t think.  I gotta find my niche that will stick with my children.  I just need to accept that I am who I am (hard worker, dream fulfill’r) and my kids can tell the world “that” about their mom.  I think they’ll be the most proud of me for achieving the things I’ve desired for so long.  The few I’ve listed isn’t it.  Might need to create a bucket list  They’ll know to never give up, that they can do all things through Christ who strengthens them and no matter what the world says, they can have their dream(s).

Update (minutes later)…

Great Scott, I got it!!! I’ve taught my children thus far…how to pray! I’m a great mom.

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Chow Mein

Tonight Chow Mein will be served. I don’t know how the younger kids will take it though. My baby girl is quite picky at times. This Tasty recipe calls for sesame oil. This oil, soon as you open it, the smells lights up the room. Smells like burnt vegetable oil. I don’t recall chow mein tasting that way. Hopefully the aroma & taste disintegrates during cooking. Ginger, garlic, black/red pepper, soy sauce & oyster sauce are the other items of seasoning. I smell none of it sadly. Only oil is in my nostrils. I pray I get rave reviews from the household. I don’t have money to just waste. I’ll do my best not to burn anything. The veges are celery, carrots, onions & cabbage. I’m trying my best not to put my own stank (my seasonings) on the meat. I don’t want to lose the oriental feel/taste of it. Oh gee…fingers crossed.

Update (2 days later)…

It was a hit! All the kids and the hubster loved it.  Everyone got seconds except for my husband and oldest child (came home late from work). They wanted more, more, more! Lol! I might do another pot tonight.  I need more veges but have chicken & noodles on deck. I’m just not domestic.  I dread cooking but can do it well.  What’s wrong with me?  I can stay on the pc and ps3 all day. Smh…

 

What’s wrong with your hands?

Okay, I cooked last night. Keep in mind I’m not domestic but I can hold it down, no problem.  We have leftovers but I wanted some garlic toast.  I sent the hubster out to grab a box.  I’m on the pc when he comes back.  I believe I asked him to throw it in the oven.  Minutes later he asks me if the food’s ready.  I’m like, “What you mean?  I was sitting here when you left and returned.  Haven’t moved yet, I cooked last night and asked you to do the bread.”  Why he’s like, “Oh Lord.”  Naw buddy, don’t pray now.  I cooked lassssssssssttttt night and didn’t plan on it today.  That food was fye too, might I add!  Just needed a little addition on the plate.  Nothing is wrong with your feet to walk to the car and in the store to purchase it.  And there’s absolutely nothing with your hands (since you used ’em to drive), to put that staff of life in the fully operable range, praise God it works.  So I’m thinking he’s gonna do it.  Nope, silly of me.  He ’bout to go get nuggets.  Ummmmm, I cooked last night sir, don’t play me.  See, this is how food gets tossed.  Sits in the fridge forgotten ’til 2 days or more flies bye (I don’t like leftovers pass 2 days) and that’s that.  Nope! Eat that pasta! God is great, he made provision for me to go to Walmart and be patient in those tedious lines.  Don’t play me…plz.