I Get Lonely

Things seem to be getting worse. Trying not to complain. I’m upset inside. Unhappy. Confused. Angry. Sad. I don’t know. I feel judged. Misunderstood. Taken for granted. Alone in my head.

But I’m not alone. Plenty of people go thru this process. My children are coming off as disloyal. Can’t trust em to love me back right. Can’t trust em to have my back. Talking smack about me but fix their mouth to say they love me. I see them as the enemy, flaw. This is how I feel and at times I almost believe it.

Emptiness. Lost. Unsure. Disappointed. Doubtful. Life gets hard. Round and around I go. Up & down. One minute it’s good then bad happens then back to good & bad. Circle of life. I’m trying to cope with it. Living in my own head is tough & I’m alone…or am I?

I don’t want to be nice. I want to be quiet & disappear. I don’t feel wrong. I don’t feel right. I pray I’m sure in the morning cuz right now I’m just being.

Whatever God wants for me I guess he’ll get it this way. I don’t know nothing right about now. I try & try & still feel like I’m failing. It could be a lie or simply I need to try harder. I’m tired. My hearts broken.

Lord mend me so I can keep going.


My Goooddddd

Jesussssssssss! Whooo he’s good! I tell ya the devil tryin it. Yes indeed he’s tryin it. But he aint gone win. Long as I hold to Jesus.

I’m on the up & up. Taking up wings as an eagle and flying thru this thang. Now I know the enemy’s upset. He should be. I would be too if I was him.

Im taking my stuff back. Uh huh. My mind. Yep. My home. Yep. My kids. Yep. My marriage. Yes suh! My self esteem. Fa sho! My AUTHORITY!!! Glory!!!!! Get back Satan!

Praise is what I do. I’m praising him. I’m stomping on the devil’s head. The word says don’t get weary in well doing. No lie, I gets tired. But the joy of the Lord is my strength. The devil knows if I worry he can have me bound. I’m getting over worrying cuz My God has shown me numerous times that he has my back. So again, why am I still worrying? You tricky, tricky devil you. I see you. Game over, you lose!

Victory is mine. That song speaks volume now in my life for it currently rings true, for real. Old school & all, I feel it in my spirit. Rooted down deep that victory is in fact MINES. Gloryyyyyyyy!!!

This joy that I have the world didn’t give it to me. Thank ya Lord. Nobody but you Lord. Nobody but you. You bought me over! Yesssssssss! All those songs are coming back to me cuz it’s true.

No individual, no substance nor any materialistic item can cause the feeling I have within. It’s HIM! My God. Dats my homie, my ride & die, my provider, my e-ver-rae thang! I serve him for he’s wonderful & magnificent. Who did it? My God did iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt! Whoooo Lordie. Im getting hot. Bubbling over. Hay hay hay haYYY!

You deserve it God! All of me & then some. What I have is his anyway. Who I am is cuz of HIM. I owe him! I owe him. I owe him…

I’m Coming Out!

Hey, hey, hey! Thangs are lookin’ up! Now I know it’s only a matter of time before satan slides in my dm’s but I know that God is still on his job. So where does that leave me? I have to work too. Faith! Gotta have it. I’m on the up & up emotionally today although things can get a bit tedious but I’m trying to chug along. Easy breezy.

My mood is better. Maybe it’s a woman thing. A mommy thing. A boss thing. A Queen thing. Whatever it is, it’s petty. Oh she can be sooooo petty. I find myself holding on to unnecessary stuff & it be hard to shake off too. Honestly part of me doesn’t want to but I know that’s wrong. That’s where the fight comes in. Greater is he who’s in me than he who’s in the world. The flesh has to lose to the spirit, amen? Amen. Yep! Answering myself. Lol.

Patience is vital. Gotta wait & see what God’s gonna do about everything. My job, family & even myself. Imma be positive about the person I am even when I think I’m a low down, doggy dog individual. He’s working on this heart & mind of mine. Let’s not get on the mind. Oooohhh chile!

But I’m coming out! I’ve been missing pieces of me the pass few weeks but I feel myself resurfacing. I’m glad about it too. God is able!


I just want to be saved. And holy. Just want to have a peaceful life where God is proud of me for persevering through it all. The struggles that come before me seem so close together. I’m trying my best not to fall off. But it just seems like so much. I know the word says that God won’t put more on you then you can bear. So I’m asking, can I bear all of this? At times I say no I can’t, God remove this stuff. I feel as though I’m about to spazz out. And then I realize that it’s some things that I have to say and do. At times you want God to just fix everything. We don’t want to deal with the hardship. No one said that serving him would be easy. Trials. You will be hated by many. And this is the life that I have chosen. The enemy will do everything in his power to stop me. I have to fight myself daily not to give up on God or myself. I know that I have an inner strength that is unimaginable. I know where that strength comes from. But I also know that I have to be determined to tap into that strength in the moment where I feel weak and want to throw in the towel. Man, that is hard, so hard. I just want to be saved, holy, compassionate, forgiving, peaceful, loving, etc. All of that in itself is so hard to do in this evil world that my mother brought me into. But what can I do? I ask myself, do I want to die? Do I want to leave my children behind to deal with these things on their own? Or do I want to stay here, cope and teach them how to do the same? I don’t want to leave before my time but sometimes it just gets so hard. But I’m trying to hold on. I do not want the devil to win cuz I know that him and his imps would have have a ball if I fall. I’m tired of him stealing my joy and I’m going to take everything back. I have to go to another level in God and I think there’s some fasting that I must do. So far I believe I have shaken some things off but there is more to be done. Growing pains really hurt. Stretching out in God can be tedious but what other choice do I have that will work in my best interest? I would rather stick with God than take my chances on my own. Because if I try to do it myself I will throw in the towel on this thing called life because I know I really cannot handle it. My brain and my heart cannot handle this life on my own. I need a power that is not of my own and Jesus is my answer. My everything.

In Advance

I’m thanking God in advance. For my new home and vehicles. I so need them. For our businesses and success. For my children’s well being, academic excellence, accomplishments and the residing of the Holy Spirit in them. I’m thanking him for the millions of bucks in our bank account. I’m also thanking him for agape love, humility, compassion and forgiving heart. I so need those too. The list goes on!
I’m overjoyed in my spirit. I know it’s the Lord’s doing. Nothing and no one has bought on these inwards feelings. Christ can do this for anyone. I’m drinking a latte and it’s not the caffeine. It taste great but that’s not it. Wow, what a feeling.

Man must not look to people or things to fulfill them or bring purpose. Look to the heavenly Father. As I spoke to my daughter and prepared dinner this spirit of gratitude came over me. And as I thanked him I see me in a new and improved home. I as a hard working brown woman, desire a bad to the bone crib of my liking. Especially one I can afford. And it’s coming. Glory to God!!!

Brand new everything. I claim it in the name of Jesus! Nothings wrong with used but I’ve done that. Hallelujah! In advance, in advance! Great God almighty, in advance!

Imma Believer. I’m growing. I’m being molded.

Naked Awake

I sit here raw, open, bleeding, pink.  I’m bare.  Eyes open, I see.  I see me.  My flaws.  Being held back from freedom by old and new pain.  Shoving it under a rug for so long and now I’m naked.  Bawling, crying for real, like someone close died.  Begging God to fix me.  Surrendering.  For real.  Will I hold on to this day, this feeling, moment of pure reflexion of my inner being?  I’m so raw and open!

Come in Lord.  Mold me and fix me up.  Make me like you for you.  If I live by your will, all will be okay.  I miss the feeling of joy and peace.  Did I ever really have it?  I doubt it.  But I had spurts and I want more, want it all.  Need it all.  You said it will work for my good since I love you.  I do love you.  More and more each day.  Having an encounter(s) with you is necessary.  More of you please.

Remove all the hurt, guilt and doubt from me.  Take away the steel walls covering not only my heart but my body, mind and soul.  Open me up to let you in fully because the walls not only keep the world out, it does the same to you.  I see that now.  To get more of you I have to open up to the bad stuff too and let you work perfectly through me.  I gotta go thru to show your glory when I overcome.  Okay, I give in my Lord. My Savior.  My Everything.  I’m absolutely nothing without you.

I’m in love with you.  So in love.  I need to please you. I need to serve you, my Master.  O God take me, I’m yours.  Use me up and I’ll be glad about it.  When man used me there was no benefit but with you, your promises will be kept.  I can’t make it without you.  Fill me with your precious Holy Ghost and dunamis power from on high.  I have to fight to live for your glory.  I can’t let the devil in and he’s trying.  Attacking from all angles but you see what I don’t.  Give me your spiritual eye to catch him before he gets close.  Give me your tongue to speak your holy word to stop him in his tracks.

I see!  I see I need you.  Don’t beat me anymore.  Well, I may still need a beating from time to time but I hope not.  I want to stay on the straight and narrow path.  No wavering.  When anger rises up I need your love and comfort to soothe me.  When thoughts come that lie on you, I need you to bring back to my memory the promises and fruits of your spirit.  I believe in the Beatitudes more than ever now.  Create me all over again, thru and thru, fix me! Make me over, I’m tired of me.  This shell is nothing.  Renew my spirit, touch my heart and mind, reveal the spiritual world and help me to rightfully divide everything to your liking. I rebuke all fear! It’s not of you.

Here my cry.  Save my family.  Fix them like you’re fixing me.  Open their eyes.  I don’t want them to learn the hard way, as I.  Make them wiser sooner than me.  Pour your wisdom in us, fill our cups. Even if I don’t want ppl to see me as an example, I am. Help me to be a great example of conquering the enemy. Forgiveness and compassion, endow me. Agape love, run my cup over! Rivers of living water, I hunger and thirst. I want everyone to feel the same way.

I need my children saved. Protected. Covered by the blood of the lamb. Have mercy Lord. More grace please. I point fingers but I need changing. Forgive me! I’m willing to let you in and do your thing fully. I still have bouts of doubt with this process, yes. It can be scary but I will speak your word to myself and walk forward. I have prayers I need answered and my heart isn’t right. Im working. Im coming! I hear you! I know it starts with me.

The raw, naked truth is here, slap in my face, chest tight. I’m not right. I’ve sinned by being mean and hard to deal with, talk to, love on. I’ve rejected those close to me and I’m tired of it.

I am free.

Trying to Still have Joy

As soon as I think I’m getting over, here comes another blow. I heard awesome confirmation yesterday & today about my family & finances. And then 💣! Why did I open this water bill for $480! Whyyyyyyyyy! Now I have to retune my brain to the happy/joyful thoughts. This is the rollercoaster of life. Up…down…up…down. 

I had the mail since last week but didn’t open it til today during a happy/joyful period. A period of recollection of how great my God is. I already felt the enemy wanting to take my morale down. And you know what? He knows just how to get us with the same things. I’m the fool to keep letting it work. God has been providing. Although I hate feeling the struggle, he always takes care of me & mine. This is another opportunity to watch God work! And testify of his goodness. If I can just told to the prophesies I’ve heard & to the promises in his word, my thinking will change. My faith must grow cuz I don’t plan on kicking the bucket any time soon. So in this life I’ll persevere until he calls me home. I can’t go on stressed & doubting him. 

I have the victory over this stinking thinking! Water & sewer get their behind me! Also we gots-tuh fix this 🚽 , smh. This is what procrastinating causes. 

Potty Mouth

We all make mistakes often, but those who don’t make mistakes with their words have reached full maturity. Like a bridled horse, they can control themselves entirely.

James 3:2 CEB

Does age determine maturity? Or mental state, body changes? According to the scripture above, it’s one’s ability to control the tongue. In that case, they’re many big babies on earth today. I must admit…I’m one. Ugh…

Okay, I gotta mature. This ole tongue of mine can be toxic. Not only to others but to myself. I’d get upset or discouraged and say what? Negative junk. Bafoolery! Talk (venting) myself right out of a blessing(s). Don’t know what God was finna do. Vile, selfish, off the wall statements. Nah I say I trust God and soon as I don’t get my way my tongue goes to flopping. I’m sick of the doubt that slips in. My mind. I’m a thinker. Over-thinking. I fight myself. My brain & my tongue. I know better. Gotta do better.

I know that God is steady blessing me. Even when it looks arbitrary, I must understand that it’s for my good. But no, I don’t want to give credence to that scripture. I want everything to be perfect. No suffering. No nothin that hurts or frustrates. And that’s not how it goes.

Christ carried his cross. So shall I. I won’t need him, ever, if things are always great, now will I? Why would I (if I were God) create a species that will never tell me thank you as I constantly serve them? Wake em up, breathe life in em, strengthen em, feed & clothe em, bless em beyond measure, remove their enemies, fight their battles, etc…do all that for nothin? Absolutely not! He knows someone with since out there will give him credit for not only what he’s done but who he is (words can’t describe his awesomeness). With that being said, how dare I doubt his power to turn my frowns upside down. He’s been doing it since 1982, why can’t he do it now & forever more? So when ole slew foot tries to get in my head & cause doubt, I gotta rebuke him for God is great. He’s been great & if he decides to take a break from giving me what he has before I need to be patient until he gets back on His bandwagon. I need to shut my mouth if it won’t sing praises, thanks & prophesy of what he’s about to do. Power (of life & death)  is in this tongue. I have the power to tell everything to move so I can produce my purpose.

Filthy, filthy mouth speaking nonsense. And I call myself a Saint. Really? Do I even believe it? Sometimes yes, no, I don’t know. I get weary & complain. Moments in time. Testimony. Mines. He still blesses even when I don’t believe, about let’s sayyyyyy 20-30%. Some have a higher percentage than I do, I might not be so bad. But there should be 0% of doubt. Then for it to be uttered aloud. Oh my God, forgive me. How easily I forget how you kept me for HIV/AIDS (cause yes, I layed with someone positive). How easily I forget how he stopped my car from spinning “off” the overpass. How easily I forget he gave me strength to tell that nasty nigga (grown man) no & he got off of me at the tender age of 14. How easily I forget he allowed me to birth 5 healthy babies, from 4 boys, 1 man & still hold my head high believing I’m worthy of love. He gives me an inner strength to PUSH! And when I get tired, I pray, realise I’m royalty, cut from a different rug, my daddy is a KING, ain’t no quittin…I PUUUUSSSSHHHHHH some more! By golly I’m moooorrreeee than a CONQUEROR. More!

I’ll shut my mouth & stop belittling God’s power to see me thru any & everything challenged. Venturing into unknown territories is part of my spiritual growth. Gonna be faced with things that can cause more doubt but I gotta remember I’m on the winning team. I can do all things thru him for he does strengthen me. Time to grow up & get this 👅 in ✔. That!

Even the world knows about this mouth of mine but Imma change the second to last statement.

No HATE in this ❤

Bizzle said it best, “Homie you can hate me but you get no hate back. Cuz all the hatin in the world won’t make me a hater.”

I know I have haters. I’m the sweetest, meanest person you’ll meet(😜). Why hate me? But it’s inevitable. Everyone won’t have a love like Christ’s. They can keep hating me all the way to fiery hell. I won’t be there. Imma love my way into heaven’s gates. It won’t be easy but I’m pressing. I won’t allow how one feels about me make me just like them. Understand, get out my way tho with the foolishness. The bible says to shun the very presence of evil. I’ll do just that & pray the haters are delivered from their illnesses. The best carnal medicine I can give them is to keep being great. 

At the moment I have absolutely no energy to hate anyone. I need to be this way always. I’m priortizing what really matters. My sanity is #1. The more angry I get about uncontrollable ppl & things, the more tired I am. So I then give it to God when I should’ve from the gate. This world may cause us to become cold. We can’t let it happen. We can’t control ppl but we can control ourselves with the Holy Spirit on board. The devil tries his hardest to throw us off. He knows what gets to us & we fall for it every time. We give hate so much energy instead of forgiveness & love. Agape love. Til we die we’ll be working on something(s) unChrist-like within us. Become aware of it & get to work. Someone needs to see light in this dark place. Choose to be light. If we choose God we’ll be happier. I fight me more than I fight ppl. I’m so tired. And I can’t beat God. See, I’ve been taught the way. I can’t get away from it no matter how hard I try. I am a good person at heart but have been damaged. I know God can heal me…if I let him. I’ve decided to get out the way & heal. Someone is watching me saying if I can do it, even with a smile, they can. Misery loves company. I don’t want ppl miserable & neither do I. I may not want to be an example but I am. God called me to be so. 

We want ppl to listen to us but we don’t listen to God. What if daily he dished out the judgement we give to others? We’ll be begging for mercy. Now…even when ppl don’t apologize, we’re to forgive and let God deal with ’em. I’m taking need to this now. We forgive for our own sanity & righteousness. When you realize you have more things going on that take precedence over how someone feels about you, you can move pass things quicker. I refuse to spew hate back at others because they hate me. I know better, I’m doing better & I can have better because God said so. I refuse to be a miserable human being when God said he’d give me the desires of my heart. I’m worthy of a good life & you are too. We make mistakes. Repent & turn from doing it habitually. Strive to change for the better. We can’t let ppl pull us down to their level. We should actually feel sorry for them & pray for their souls. 

Everyone copes differently. What you’re delivered from, someone still struggles with that thing. Have compassion. I know I’m great & the enemy knows it too. He wants me to think otherwise to bring me closer to him. Won’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not great arrogantly. Great because God didn’t make a mistake when he created me in his image. He broke the mold! Great because his Holy Spirit is within, empowering me to not give up, to fight!  And I pray that everyone feels the same way about themselves. I want to see everyone win! If everybody felt that way…wouldn’t be haters running amuck.

Fight for me Jesus!


Service was blessed this morning.  I needed it.  And to think I almost didn’t go because of lady issues.  I’m glad I pressed my way.  God is too good…to me.  It’s more I need to do.  I feel so good in church.  I need that feeling at home, everywhere.  I know he loves me.  I could be in a much worse predicament and I’m not.  So much to be grateful for.  So this stinking thinking must go!  I am VICTORIOUS over theses minor situations and this mess in my mind.  The devil is a liar!  I’m going to really give God all my problems, including the people who try to rise up against me.  He can fight those battles better than I.  I’m fooling myself to think that I can put my dukes up and get a better outcome.  On my knees I go! Praising his name with my most powerful voice! The battle is WON!boxing.jpg