Its torture. I feel my mom & dad in me. Its crazy how parents can rub off on children. Even though my mom’s gone, she still is in me (the blood!). However I feel I’m broken, a big piece is missing. But I feel her. In the things I do, say & think…she’s there. Pops still here but he’s finna be 81. He gotta go 1 day. Another piece of me will be taken. I can’t force him to live longer, he been here a long time already. So I gotta be strong & send him on to glory. Preperation.
Constant reminders of my parents come out of me thru my day to day. MAMAAAAAAAAAA! I want you back! But I need to spend as much time as possible with my dad while he’s here. Back & forth, these rollercoaster emotions. I’m tired today. My mind is on stuff that matters but I can’t be distracted from God. What am I gonna do with the time I have left here on earth? Who will I love on? Can’t waste time.
I’m full of emotion. It’s pouring out in tears & prayers. Have to pray without ceasing. My children, husband, myself, extended family & friends, my ministry, so many to pray for. But I still want my mama to hold me & hold me & pray for me. I have to be a big girl now but we’re never really big to our parents hearts. We’re their babies. And baby needs mother still.
If I could rewind the clock. If I was God. If I had the power in my hand…I’d take all her heart pain away. Her body pain…away. Her brain pain away. Everything that made her cry, I’d fix it for that woman. I wonder if her children, including me, caused her illness (cancer). Stress of living. Worrying. She prayed. I know she did. She prayed for her babies. Did we pray for mama? My God! Did we???
There’s some regret but I understand that I must live what life I have left. And it has to be to the max. So I’ll love on who’s still here and be obedient to God’s word so I can see her again. Gotta pray more, cry loud and spare not, for those around me. There’s work to be done. I want to be a great product of my mother because she was just that…great. I’ll miss her everyday.