7-3-18: I’m Gettin’ There

This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad it is. And something about waking up this morning and feeling hopeful. God is on the move in my life and I’m all the way up with it. If I can just keep this hopeful outlook I’ll be okay. The enemy always tries to find a way to sneak in and steal it but I’m older and wiser now. Where I was yesterday, I no longer am. If everyone can look at it that way. God will bring you through anything if you just wait. Now, when it’s your time to die then it’s just your time. I don’t believe it’s mine so therefore there’s work for me to do. I have to get on the ball and I can’t get there sulking in what appears to be a drought. It’s a lie! When we go through trials it’s hard to see the end of the tunnel. But as you keep moving forward you will see a speck of light that expands as you persevere. I’m seeing the light people. I’m seeing the light. If he can do it for me he can do it for anybody else that’s seeking him. Sometimes it seems like the Saints have a much harder time than the world. But we have to be met with matches, tests…so that we can tell others of his goodness and how he brought us out. It’s not always peachy but its necessary. I’ve been met with many distractions. I feel guilty at moments for falling for em. Getting so entangled in thought that I get far away from where I’m suppose to be. I’m forcing my mind to stay focused and it’s only the Lord endowing me with his power to conquer this. And I’m so grateful. I can feel a bubbling up inside of me. Joy, joy, unspeakable joy! My God is awesome!

When you’re fighting to keep your mind nothing else comes first. The mind is precious. If the enemy gets that, he’s got the individual. It’s crazy how we can swear we’re right about something. We know without a shadow of doubt that we are sure in what we’re saying, doing and feeling. Just to find out that we were wrong all along. What a blow to the ego. When your mind gets the going on a topic, especially a topic that can spiral into negativity, you’ve got to be very careful. It’s best to let God fight our battles. It’s plenty of things that we are not in control of but we think we are. That just adds snnecessary stress. Sometimes I want to kick myself in the behind because I was stressing over something that eventually worked out but because it didn’t go as fast as I wanted it to I did more harm to myself. I tell myself “just chill. Wait on the Lord and see how he does it. Nobody can do it better. I’m being opened up and words can’t explain the feeling. So as I open I’m going to put God in and push the devil out, push myself out too. It’s not about me, it’s about him. I see that I cannot win unless I play his game. If I can do what he tells me, I’ll be okay, regardless of if I understand it or not. I hear you Lord. I’m getting there, thanks to you. Sometimes we have to be disciplined until we wake up and just get it. When I think about my mother too long, sometimes it’s immediate, a pain comes in my heart that nothing can fix…but God. If he can stop my heartache and dry up my tears from losing the vessel that got me here, he can do anything. So I’m going to hold on to that.

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I’m Coming Out!

Hey, hey, hey! Thangs are lookin’ up! Now I know it’s only a matter of time before satan slides in my dm’s but I know that God is still on his job. So where does that leave me? I have to work too. Faith! Gotta have it. I’m on the up & up emotionally today although things can get a bit tedious but I’m trying to chug along. Easy breezy.

My mood is better. Maybe it’s a woman thing. A mommy thing. A boss thing. A Queen thing. Whatever it is, it’s petty. Oh she can be sooooo petty. I find myself holding on to unnecessary stuff & it be hard to shake off too. Honestly part of me doesn’t want to but I know that’s wrong. That’s where the fight comes in. Greater is he who’s in me than he who’s in the world. The flesh has to lose to the spirit, amen? Amen. Yep! Answering myself. Lol.

Patience is vital. Gotta wait & see what God’s gonna do about everything. My job, family & even myself. Imma be positive about the person I am even when I think I’m a low down, doggy dog individual. He’s working on this heart & mind of mine. Let’s not get on the mind. Oooohhh chile!

But I’m coming out! I’ve been missing pieces of me the pass few weeks but I feel myself resurfacing. I’m glad about it too. God is able!

Worried & Afraid

I wake up hurting. Hurting for my child. She’s out there in the cold world & I feel hog tied. I want to save her but can I really? This hurts so bad letting go of the blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh. I ask God why is he doing this to me. Allowing dreams of her downfall to come to me. No mother should wake up to something like that. But I have to thank him for warnings & insight. It’s still so hard. Trying to wrap my head around all the bad stuff I saw. Makes me wanna holler.

I cry for my child(ren). It’s a great sadness & weight on my heart. Why did I do this to myself? Bringing children here just to make me worry & cry over them. Is this really what life is suppose to be? I don’t want to accept this. Not in my life. I have control of my kids from birth to death to never be harmed or cause it, to be happy & fulfilled individuals completely surrendering themselves to God, right? Why won’t he give me control!?! I need it. So my kids will listen cuz I think I know it all! Omg! What can I do to get my child whole? I’m just being honest about what I’m thinking as I process what I saw. My child is hurting & I can’t fix it. Only God can. I can assist somewhere but the work has to be done by her.

God has given me the power in prayer & fasting for situations. This is the time. But I just want to grab her & drag her home to do what exactly? Watch her defy me on the sly but she might do it to my face now, who knows? My gut feels off. I don’t want to stress myself over this. That’s a fight in itself, to not stress about what I can’t control. I just want to beg & plead with her to talk to me or someone. To come home but come with the intent to to do better. My child! God help her please! Help us!

I don’t know how much of this I can take but I need him to hold me up for real cuz I want to quit. Reverse time & keep my legs closed so I won’t bare any being to cause me worriation & fear. My mama told me she didn’t want me to have kids & I didn’t understand why. I don’t remember her explaning why either but I should of listened.

In the dream I saw her going down in life (won’t give details) & I tried to pull her home. In doing so I began to have a stroke. I could hear my husband saying what he’s said in reality, “I see that spirit!” I said to myself he’s not finna take me out like this & I shook it off. My face straightened up & I held on to my daughter. He wanted me to let her go in my concern for myself. Spiritually I won’t let her go. I understand she’s her own person & shouldn’t be controlled by me physically. But Imma fight a different way although I still wanna bag her & drag her here. I have to be careful cuz this can make one sick, i.e. the stroke symbolically. Therefore I need God to help me cuz only by his power I can move forward in this spiritual fight with the enemy over me & my daughter.

Flesh wants to take precedence of spirit but no. This is warfare. Im afraid but that has to go. No spirit of fear. Power, love & a sound mind. Forgive me Father of the known & unknown. I know you’re the boss but no lie, at times I want your spot. But I imagine that’s a hard spot to be in. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. So I give it over to the Lord to bring my daughter out of bondage in the name of Jesus Christ. The devil has already lost. He’s bound! He’s resisted & fleeing. I stand in proxy for my child whom is first God’s child. I gave her back to him & I have to allow him to do his will. I’ll still ask him for what I desire but I have to learn to accept what he inevitably does. My God, this is so hard.

Posted in Mom

6-5-18

Today was pretty good. I didn’t shed many tears Don’t think I shed any at all. I’ve cried so much in my 36 years the well should be dry by now in my opinion. I’m sure life could of been much worse but don’t we all think we’ve had it hard when we tell how we feel? I try to be grateful for what God has done so far but I still have bouts of complaining. I know, shame on me. But hello, I am still what you call human & fall weak in my mind when the going gets tough.

I can’t wait for the day that my faith is so big that nothing negative “ever” gets in. I believe it’s possible. It’s more I have to do for God though. Real joy comes in being in tune with him. I get distracted. There aren’t enough hours in a day to do everything we may want to. I managed to cook & play games with my kids today. Yayyy me! Now I don’t know when I’ll make the time for those 2 things again. And I tend to feel guilty. There’s a need to please myself, spouse, kids, God, family members, work, friends & ministry. Did I leave anyone out?

Someone gets left out on any given day. Can’t get em all each & everyday. I don’t think that’s realistic. Balance. But I do want to give God my time every single day because he gives me life every single day. It’s fair. What if he chose to take a break on me? I’ll probably be in hell cause I don’t think I’m where I need to be to make it in heaven at this moment. No, I don’t practice sin but I do sin. And the word says the righteous scarcely make it in. I want to be sure I do all I can to get there & I have more growing to do.

Ok…epiphany…I think I’m selfish. I can get in the habit of wanting soooo much me time I begin to neglect things & people. Lord help me. It’s the little things we pay no attention to that mess us up. I’m determined to get this thang together. Of course the enemy doesn’t want that but I won’t quit. Soon as things seem to be on the up & up, here he comes. So sick of him. But that’s why our joy can’t be in worldly stuff or in ourselves. That’s temporary.

You can have millions of dollars & sick as a dog. No cure & no meds to stop the pain. Money can’t fix it. Money won’t matter to you then. You’ll be focused on the pain halting. No joy at all. But the peace God can give us thru our storms in unexplainable. Kinda a euphoric feeling, if I had to put it in words. God can provide comfort in your mind & body even though the doctor says you’re dying. People won’t understand why you’re encouraging them in your time of need instead of moping around, sulking. When we’re weak, he is strong. God surely knows how to use us to fortify others. But, we have to serve him. Give him our time. We do for him, he does for us. When we have compassion on others, forgive & help our fellow man, God will throw us a bone or two. And that’s not enough. Just don’t stop there. We must have his Holy Ghost to receive full benefits for the majority of our lives. Ijs. Imma do me which is doing him so I & loved one’s can get some help.

Again, today was okay. I’m believing in better days to come. True joy & peace are on the way, long as I stay persistent. No tears today. I hope I don’t shed any tomorrow. But that’s not always negative. I just hate the causatum of sore eyes. But God sees my tears. They grab his attention. Maybe I need to cry more often cause I have needs ’round here. Daddy needs to come on thru but I’ll let his will be done. What other choice do I have anyway?

4-9-18

I just want to be saved. And holy. Just want to have a peaceful life where God is proud of me for persevering through it all. The struggles that come before me seem so close together. I’m trying my best not to fall off. But it just seems like so much. I know the word says that God won’t put more on you then you can bear. So I’m asking, can I bear all of this? At times I say no I can’t, God remove this stuff. I feel as though I’m about to spazz out. And then I realize that it’s some things that I have to say and do. At times you want God to just fix everything. We don’t want to deal with the hardship. No one said that serving him would be easy. Trials. You will be hated by many. And this is the life that I have chosen. The enemy will do everything in his power to stop me. I have to fight myself daily not to give up on God or myself. I know that I have an inner strength that is unimaginable. I know where that strength comes from. But I also know that I have to be determined to tap into that strength in the moment where I feel weak and want to throw in the towel. Man, that is hard, so hard. I just want to be saved, holy, compassionate, forgiving, peaceful, loving, etc. All of that in itself is so hard to do in this evil world that my mother brought me into. But what can I do? I ask myself, do I want to die? Do I want to leave my children behind to deal with these things on their own? Or do I want to stay here, cope and teach them how to do the same? I don’t want to leave before my time but sometimes it just gets so hard. But I’m trying to hold on. I do not want the devil to win cuz I know that him and his imps would have have a ball if I fall. I’m tired of him stealing my joy and I’m going to take everything back. I have to go to another level in God and I think there’s some fasting that I must do. So far I believe I have shaken some things off but there is more to be done. Growing pains really hurt. Stretching out in God can be tedious but what other choice do I have that will work in my best interest? I would rather stick with God than take my chances on my own. Because if I try to do it myself I will throw in the towel on this thing called life because I know I really cannot handle it. My brain and my heart cannot handle this life on my own. I need a power that is not of my own and Jesus is my answer. My everything.

Don’t Want To

I’m in my feelings this morning.  Sometimes you have days where you just don’t want to. Don’t want to smile.  Don’t want to be positive or optimistic.  Don’t want to encourage anybody.  Don’t want to help.  Don’t want to go.  Don’t want to listen.  Don’t want to just be.

I’m in that negative space and not absolutely sure why.  Things don’t always go as planned and maybe that’s part of it.  Life.  It won’t be perfect but I’m trying to make the best of it.  Riding the wave.  Rolling with the punches.  Tiring though.  I look to God to strengthen me but I just want it easy for a few years.  Maybe that’s to much to ask.  Let’s sayyyyy….months, yea months.  Just to rejuvenate.  *sigh

I’m hanging on.  I am.  But even with that…I don’t want to.

3-14-18

I’ve been faced with certain decisions that had to be made. I believe I’m in the place where I just have to do it. I’m maturing. It’s bittersweet. I feel like it’s Do or Die. If I want God to bless me it’s certain lessons to learn and tests to pass.  I think I’m ready!

Some folks feelings will have to get hurt because the no’s are-uh comin’.  I’m my own worst enemy and can save myself strife by being obedient.  Being obedient doesn’t mean I allow ppl to use me up til I’m no longer good.  Nor does it mean to be passive and a yes mam because I’m a christian.  The word says to be meek.  Who says meek=weak?  Not I.  We have to know the difference.

It takes much strength to say no.  And to say it with a clean heart.  That’s the hard part because most say no in anger and resentment or jealousy and bitterness on board.  Nope, not right.  I pray for the day when the holy spirit takes my body over in social situations where I say no and don’t feel like an evil person for doing so.  I’m about there but there’s still some anger residing.  I get tired of taking on so much and the no comes out of frustration.  But I’ll get the hang of this and say no before the pressure builds.

Bossing Ain’t Easy

I really get tired of my job at times. Ppl may want the high position to feel like they’re something big. But it comes with pressure & responsiblity. It’s no joke at all. It’s like things can go ok for a very short while and then boom. For anyone that’s a Mr. or Mrs. Fix It, situations like this can cause a level of stress. I’m there and fighting it. My life is not about working my finger to the bone for man. It’s about God’s business. And what I’m doing on this job doesn’t feel like kingdom business. However I do believe they’re some things I gotta learn while here.
There’s no one I can depend on in my staff. Nobody. I carry the load when ppl can’t perform. I keep going. Enduring hardship as a good soldier. I guess that’s why I’m the boss. Some may want what’s mine. They might feel they can do better but God placed me here. I worked for it, I did. So I’ll be here until He moves me. I refuse to step down outta feelings before God says so. But I need him to strengthen me.

Sometimes I wanna holler! I wanna snap on ppl. I wanna let them down like they let me down. But that’s not who I am. Not part of my character. But when I need to put my foot down it needs to be done unapologetically. It just has to.

1-26-18

Fighting these sorrowful feelings over the loss of my mother is tiresome. It’s incredibly hard. I dunno if it’s depression sneeking up on me but as soon as I see someone else hurt about their loss/pain I get so sad & think about my mom. Ppl hurt everyday. I can’t be sad everyday, every instance & crying. Kinda feels unstable.

I just have to get this out. Like, how long is the grieving process? After 2 yrs, why does this hurt so much? I want God to make it not hurt. I want to be happy that she’s at peace. Why can’t I stop being selfish & let her be? Is this uncontrollable? Is this how it goes? I guess so. We’re not immortal.

When we’re in trouble we mainly call for mama. No matter how old we are. Maybe this is what I get for trying to be so independent. Wanting to show my mom I could survive without her. Now I struggle with this life without her. Parts of me literally want to die. She gave me life. Why am I here & not her? Just feels wrong. But I know better.

I Miss Her

Its torture. I feel my mom & dad in me. Its crazy how parents can rub off on children. Even though my mom’s gone, she still is in me (the blood!). However I feel I’m broken, a big piece is missing. But I feel her. In the things I do, say & think…she’s there. Pops still here but he’s finna be 81. He gotta go 1 day. Another piece of me will be taken. I can’t force him to live longer, he been here a long time already. So I gotta be strong & send him on to glory. Preperation.

Constant reminders of my parents come out of me thru my day to day. MAMAAAAAAAAAA! I want you back! But I need to spend as much time as possible with my dad while he’s here. Back & forth, these rollercoaster emotions. I’m tired today. My mind is on stuff that matters but I can’t be distracted from God. What am I gonna do with the time I have left here on earth? Who will I love on? Can’t waste time.

I’m full of emotion. It’s pouring out in tears & prayers. Have to pray without ceasing. My children, husband, myself, extended family & friends, my ministry, so many to pray for. But I still want my mama to hold me & hold me & pray for me. I have to be a big girl now but we’re never really big to our parents hearts. We’re their babies. And baby needs mother still. 

If I could rewind the clock. If I was God. If I had the power in my hand…I’d take all her heart pain away. Her body pain…away. Her brain pain away. Everything that made her cry, I’d fix it for that woman. I wonder if her children, including me, caused her illness (cancer). Stress of living. Worrying. She prayed. I know she did. She prayed for her babies. Did we pray for mama? My God! Did we???

There’s some regret but I understand that I must live what life I have left. And it has to be to the max. So I’ll love on who’s still here and be obedient to God’s word so I can see her again. Gotta pray more, cry loud and spare not, for those around me. There’s work to be done. I want to be a great product of my mother because she was just that…great. I’ll miss her everyday.