4-9-18

I just want to be saved. And holy. Just want to have a peaceful life where God is proud of me for persevering through it all. The struggles that come before me seem so close together. I’m trying my best not to fall off. But it just seems like so much. I know the word says that God won’t put more on you then you can bear. So I’m asking, can I bear all of this? At times I say no I can’t, God remove this stuff. I feel as though I’m about to spazz out. And then I realize that it’s some things that I have to say and do. At times you want God to just fix everything. We don’t want to deal with the hardship. No one said that serving him would be easy. Trials. You will be hated by many. And this is the life that I have chosen. The enemy will do everything in his power to stop me. I have to fight myself daily not to give up on God or myself. I know that I have an inner strength that is unimaginable. I know where that strength comes from. But I also know that I have to be determined to tap into that strength in the moment where I feel weak and want to throw in the towel. Man, that is hard, so hard. I just want to be saved, holy, compassionate, forgiving, peaceful, loving, etc. All of that in itself is so hard to do in this evil world that my mother brought me into. But what can I do? I ask myself, do I want to die? Do I want to leave my children behind to deal with these things on their own? Or do I want to stay here, cope and teach them how to do the same? I don’t want to leave before my time but sometimes it just gets so hard. But I’m trying to hold on. I do not want the devil to win cuz I know that him and his imps would have have a ball if I fall. I’m tired of him stealing my joy and I’m going to take everything back. I have to go to another level in God and I think there’s some fasting that I must do. So far I believe I have shaken some things off but there is more to be done. Growing pains really hurt. Stretching out in God can be tedious but what other choice do I have that will work in my best interest? I would rather stick with God than take my chances on my own. Because if I try to do it myself I will throw in the towel on this thing called life because I know I really cannot handle it. My brain and my heart cannot handle this life on my own. I need a power that is not of my own and Jesus is my answer. My everything.

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Don’t Want To

I’m in my feelings this morning.  Sometimes you have days where you just don’t want to. Don’t want to smile.  Don’t want to be positive or optimistic.  Don’t want to encourage anybody.  Don’t want to help.  Don’t want to go.  Don’t want to listen.  Don’t want to just be.

I’m in that negative space and not absolutely sure why.  Things don’t always go as planned and maybe that’s part of it.  Life.  It won’t be perfect but I’m trying to make the best of it.  Riding the wave.  Rolling with the punches.  Tiring though.  I look to God to strengthen me but I just want it easy for a few years.  Maybe that’s to much to ask.  Let’s sayyyyy….months, yea months.  Just to rejuvenate.  *sigh

I’m hanging on.  I am.  But even with that…I don’t want to.

3-14-18

I’ve been faced with certain decisions that had to be made. I believe I’m in the place where I just have to do it. I’m maturing. It’s bittersweet. I feel like it’s Do or Die. If I want God to bless me it’s certain lessons to learn and tests to pass.  I think I’m ready!

Some folks feelings will have to get hurt because the no’s are-uh comin’.  I’m my own worst enemy and can save myself strife by being obedient.  Being obedient doesn’t mean I allow ppl to use me up til I’m no longer good.  Nor does it mean to be passive and a yes mam because I’m a christian.  The word says to be meek.  Who says meek=weak?  Not I.  We have to know the difference.

It takes much strength to say no.  And to say it with a clean heart.  That’s the hard part because most say no in anger and resentment or jealousy and bitterness on board.  Nope, not right.  I pray for the day when the holy spirit takes my body over in social situations where I say no and don’t feel like an evil person for doing so.  I’m about there but there’s still some anger residing.  I get tired of taking on so much and the no comes out of frustration.  But I’ll get the hang of this and say no before the pressure builds.

Bossing Ain’t Easy

I really get tired of my job at times. Ppl may want the high position to feel like they’re something big. But it comes with pressure & responsiblity. It’s no joke at all. It’s like things can go ok for a very short while and then boom. For anyone that’s a Mr. or Mrs. Fix It, situations like this can cause a level of stress. I’m there and fighting it. My life is not about working my finger to the bone for man. It’s about God’s business. And what I’m doing on this job doesn’t feel like kingdom business. However I do believe they’re some things I gotta learn while here.
There’s no one I can depend on in my staff. Nobody. I carry the load when ppl can’t perform. I keep going. Enduring hardship as a good soldier. I guess that’s why I’m the boss. Some may want what’s mine. They might feel they can do better but God placed me here. I worked for it, I did. So I’ll be here until He moves me. I refuse to step down outta feelings before God says so. But I need him to strengthen me.

Sometimes I wanna holler! I wanna snap on ppl. I wanna let them down like they let me down. But that’s not who I am. Not part of my character. But when I need to put my foot down it needs to be done unapologetically. It just has to.

1-26-18

Fighting these sorrowful feelings over the loss of my mother is tiresome. It’s incredibly hard. I dunno if it’s depression sneeking up on me but as soon as I see someone else hurt about their loss/pain I get so sad & think about my mom. Ppl hurt everyday. I can’t be sad everyday, every instance & crying. Kinda feels unstable.

I just have to get this out. Like, how long is the grieving process? After 2 yrs, why does this hurt so much? I want God to make it not hurt. I want to be happy that she’s at peace. Why can’t I stop being selfish & let her be? Is this uncontrollable? Is this how it goes? I guess so. We’re not immortal.

When we’re in trouble we mainly call for mama. No matter how old we are. Maybe this is what I get for trying to be so independent. Wanting to show my mom I could survive without her. Now I struggle with this life without her. Parts of me literally want to die. She gave me life. Why am I here & not her? Just feels wrong. But I know better.

I Miss Her

Its torture. I feel my mom & dad in me. Its crazy how parents can rub off on children. Even though my mom’s gone, she still is in me (the blood!). However I feel I’m broken, a big piece is missing. But I feel her. In the things I do, say & think…she’s there. Pops still here but he’s finna be 81. He gotta go 1 day. Another piece of me will be taken. I can’t force him to live longer, he been here a long time already. So I gotta be strong & send him on to glory. Preperation.

Constant reminders of my parents come out of me thru my day to day. MAMAAAAAAAAAA! I want you back! But I need to spend as much time as possible with my dad while he’s here. Back & forth, these rollercoaster emotions. I’m tired today. My mind is on stuff that matters but I can’t be distracted from God. What am I gonna do with the time I have left here on earth? Who will I love on? Can’t waste time.

I’m full of emotion. It’s pouring out in tears & prayers. Have to pray without ceasing. My children, husband, myself, extended family & friends, my ministry, so many to pray for. But I still want my mama to hold me & hold me & pray for me. I have to be a big girl now but we’re never really big to our parents hearts. We’re their babies. And baby needs mother still. 

If I could rewind the clock. If I was God. If I had the power in my hand…I’d take all her heart pain away. Her body pain…away. Her brain pain away. Everything that made her cry, I’d fix it for that woman. I wonder if her children, including me, caused her illness (cancer). Stress of living. Worrying. She prayed. I know she did. She prayed for her babies. Did we pray for mama? My God! Did we???

There’s some regret but I understand that I must live what life I have left. And it has to be to the max. So I’ll love on who’s still here and be obedient to God’s word so I can see her again. Gotta pray more, cry loud and spare not, for those around me. There’s work to be done. I want to be a great product of my mother because she was just that…great. I’ll miss her everyday.

No Pain, No Gain…I Guess

Sometimes it feels like I can’t win for losing. There’s always a challenge around the corner. I have seasons. Seasons of physical pain. My feet, knees, neck, wrist, stomach, hips and back. I don’t know what the next season will bring. But the doctor will always say, it’s the weight. Right now it’s lower back season. With a bit of hip & thigh. I believe some of it, if not all of it, has been spiritual. Granted, yes I need to lose weight. I don’t eat like I should. My life seems to not allow me to eat those five to six small meals a day, go figure. Or maybe I’m just not trying hard enough. I would work out and then injure myself. After that I’m down for months. So now how am I to do a good cardio workout with back pain? However it hurts to the point where I want to get up and do something about it, like stretch. I can even get lazy with the stretching. Back to the spiritual aspect. If weight was the issue, why has the other pains gone away but switched to another area of my body? I have actually gained a few more pounds and those other pains have not resurfaced. I don’t want them to. But I also don’t want them to jump to another part of my body. The attacks on my body, I guess I need to be thankful that I can feel them because someone can’t feel at all. But I do want to live the most joyful life as possible. I don’t want anything to get in the way of my ministry. If I put God’s business first I believe that he would take care of the rest. The rest is this carnal life. If I can just be in the spirit where there are no infirmities, I can have his joy and peace. I still don’t sleep a hundred percent (need rest) but it’s better than years ago. But there is much room for improvement. I need him to help me. Help me eat right, exercise, sleep well and whatever else it takes for this temple to be in optimal working condition. 

I’m not giving up, I’m not complaining but I’m simply saying I hurt and I am waiting on healing or a miracle. It must be for a reason right? It’s been a while since I’ve done a blog and maybe someone wants to know if there is anyone else out there that continuously goes through “something”. And my something is physical pain that’s unexplainable. I didn’t get in a recent accident to blame the back pain on. I definitely wasn’t working out or lifting anything and pulled the muscle. I cannot figure it out but I do know that aleve helps but lingering pain is still there. And this is something that keeps me calling on the name Jesus. I believe that’s what he wants me to do. It keeps me humble. That’s a plus. Plenty of prayer. For me & others. Oh! My hubby has had back pain for years. Maybe God wants to show me what he goes thru especially when I’m selfish towards him. When you’re one, you will share the good as well as the bad.

I can’t wait for the day that this pain goes away…and stays away. Lord! I won’t leave you! Keep thorns outta my side! I’ll be a good girl! Do you think he’ll give me a pass? Probably not. I have to pay for my anointing. Maybe in a few years I’ll be ready to be pain free but then it’ll probably be something else to deal with. That’s God for ya. I love him nevertheless.

A heart for Wood

It’s been a while. I’m in a better place spiritually and emotionally. God has really worked on me. I’ve found a new love. WOOD! Yes…wood. One day watching the D.I.Y channel I saw what was being done with wood and I got so emotional. My dad is also a bit of a craftsman so why not I right? I have characteristics of both my parents but was searching for more to do with myself. What to pass to my children. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. 
I think that at a certain point every adult questions what they’re doing with their lives. What legacy they’ll leave behind? What will people say about them at their funeral? I’m there. So I plan to do 1 of the many things I’m capable of…now. I’ll be starting my first project of restoring old furniture. Something about it makes me light up inside. I guess taking something that appears to be done and bring it back to life. One man’s trash is this woman’s treasure.

I don’t want this feeling to leave me. I can tell the devil wants to kill it. I’m determined to see it through. I plan on having more than 1 business. This is actually something that I’ll love and making big money from it isn’t the main goal, it’s a bonus. To actually see what my hands can do is a good enough reward. All glory will go to the Father of course. I’m depending on him to bless my mind with ideas and courage to help bring them to fruition.

Doubt begins to set in but I know I’m more than a conqueror and can do all things thru Christ who strengthens. I definitely have to show my children to never quit because of self doubt and naysayers. I must practice what I preach. With the support of my husband too, I’m unstoppable. I want them to be proud of me. Being a boss in more ways than 1. It’s in the blood.

Discovery

I have a sadness that just falls on me sometimes. Tears fall & I don’t like it. Then again I do. Because I feel like God wants me to release. My family means so much to me. I’ve been tough for a long time. I think I want to be softer. Not getting rid of all the tough but softer. Open. Walls are tumbling within, I think. The weird feeling it brings makes me want to build them back up but I let go more. I think it’s ok. I’ll be ok. I’m ok.

I’m growing. Spiritually. And the enemy wants me to see it as weakness. I have to open up to let God in. Yes, I’m vunerable. To hurt, pain, disappointment, grief, the stuff that causes walls to come up. I’m risking it to let Jesus in, trusting he’ll patch me up each & every time I experience those bad things.

Letting go of inhibitions. Day by day. Step by step. Growing pains! Going in the right direction. There’s fear. I’m not quitting though. I might mess up & pull a wall back up from time to time I imagine. But I know deep within that it’ll stunt my growth & that’s (growth) more important to me.

I not only live for me but for my family. It’s my mission to teach them everything I’m learning. Prevention. I’d HATE for them to make my mistakes. I want them comfortable within but not comfortable if it doesn’t please God. Knowing when to admit faults & make necessary changes. Make it into heaven kids!!!

This is my goal & I want it to be there’s. To be leaders & team players though I like being alone alot of the time. So I want them to do the opposite there. But balance cuz too many people in your life can cause more harm than good as well. I need them to know how to cope with loss, despair, disappointment, anger. And enjoy life. Ride the waves. I’m aware that some things I won’t get thru to them & only experience will. Hate it but it’s the truth. 

So I’ll continue to destroy barriers in me. True joy is awaiting. I need it & I yearn to spread it.

When?!!!!!!!

When? When will my children wake up & appreciate me? How long I gotta wait?! I don’t wanna wait! Im feel used & taken advantage of. I could of lost my life for Christ sake. I sacrificed. Oh did I sacrifice. And to hear them praise others…a stab in the front. They do it with out any remorse.

Am I the only parent who wants some appreciation around here? What more can I do really? Can I make them love, honor & respect me over night? Will they get it only once they have kids? Man…I can’t wait that long.

Why do I do what I do for them? If I could do it over, I still might make the same decision but I wish I could just be thoughtless, heartless, non-chalant, dismissive & I don’t knowy like them. Stick it to em & hurt their feelings like they hurt mine. The world says you have only 1 mom so cherish her. Uhhhhh, I’m not feeling it from the older crew. The babies, yes. But these teens, you’d think they would realize where their bread & butter comes from & show some respect.

I hate to see them honor others & not me. But call on me when in want & need. Just seems so unfair. They just stupid. Yea, they’re stupid. And I guess I have to be here to love em in spite of, blah blah blah, til they wisen up. Arghhhhhh!

I don’t think they’ll ever love me right or appreciate me if they don’t now. Ugh!  I’m a decent mom, really. Tough but loving. I give. I hug. I kiss. I apologize. I do projects. I cook. I buy. I comfort. I encourage. I push em at the feet of Jesus. I teach. I listen (could do better tho). That’s worthy of love & honor right. These kids ain’t loyal, for real. I’m trying to live a holy life before them, an example. When will it pay off.

I must have stiff competition. Arghhh! Fix it Jesus!