Discovery

I have a sadness that just falls on me sometimes. Tears fall & I don’t like it. Then again I do. Because I feel like God wants me to release. My family means so much to me. I’ve been tough for a long time. I think I want to be softer. Not getting rid of all the tough but softer. Open. Walls are tumbling within, I think. The weird feeling it brings makes me want to build them back up but I let go more. I think it’s ok. I’ll be ok. I’m ok.

I’m growing. Spiritually. And the enemy wants me to see it as weakness. I have to open up to let God in. Yes, I’m vunerable. To hurt, pain, disappointment, grief, the stuff that causes walls to come up. I’m risking it to let Jesus in, trusting he’ll patch me up each & every time I experience those bad things.

Letting go of inhibitions. Day by day. Step by step. Growing pains! Going in the right direction. There’s fear. I’m not quitting though. I might mess up & pull a wall back up from time to time I imagine. But I know deep within that it’ll stunt my growth & that’s (growth) more important to me.

I not only live for me but for my family. It’s my mission to teach them everything I’m learning. Prevention. I’d HATE for them to make my mistakes. I want them comfortable within but not comfortable if it doesn’t please God. Knowing when to admit faults & make necessary changes. Make it into heaven kids!!!

This is my goal & I want it to be there’s. To be leaders & team players though I like being alone alot of the time. So I want them to do the opposite there. But balance cuz too many people in your life can cause more harm than good as well. I need them to know how to cope with loss, despair, disappointment, anger. And enjoy life. Ride the waves. I’m aware that some things I won’t get thru to them & only experience will. Hate it but it’s the truth. 

So I’ll continue to destroy barriers in me. True joy is awaiting. I need it & I yearn to spread it.

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