Discovery

I have a sadness that just falls on me sometimes. Tears fall & I don’t like it. Then again I do. Because I feel like God wants me to release. My family means so much to me. I’ve been tough for a long time. I think I want to be softer. Not getting rid of all the tough but softer. Open. Walls are tumbling within, I think. The weird feeling it brings makes me want to build them back up but I let go more. I think it’s ok. I’ll be ok. I’m ok.

I’m growing. Spiritually. And the enemy wants me to see it as weakness. I have to open up to let God in. Yes, I’m vunerable. To hurt, pain, disappointment, grief, the stuff that causes walls to come up. I’m risking it to let Jesus in, trusting he’ll patch me up each & every time I experience those bad things.

Letting go of inhibitions. Day by day. Step by step. Growing pains! Going in the right direction. There’s fear. I’m not quitting though. I might mess up & pull a wall back up from time to time I imagine. But I know deep within that it’ll stunt my growth & that’s (growth) more important to me.

I not only live for me but for my family. It’s my mission to teach them everything I’m learning. Prevention. I’d HATE for them to make my mistakes. I want them comfortable within but not comfortable if it doesn’t please God. Knowing when to admit faults & make necessary changes. Make it into heaven kids!!!

This is my goal & I want it to be there’s. To be leaders & team players though I like being alone alot of the time. So I want them to do the opposite there. But balance cuz too many people in your life can cause more harm than good as well. I need them to know how to cope with loss, despair, disappointment, anger. And enjoy life. Ride the waves. I’m aware that some things I won’t get thru to them & only experience will. Hate it but it’s the truth. 

So I’ll continue to destroy barriers in me. True joy is awaiting. I need it & I yearn to spread it.

When?!!!!!!!

When? When will my children wake up & appreciate me? How long I gotta wait?! I don’t wanna wait! Im feel used & taken advantage of. I could of lost my life for Christ sake. I sacrificed. Oh did I sacrifice. And to hear them praise others…a stab in the front. They do it with out any remorse.

Am I the only parent who wants some appreciation around here? What more can I do really? Can I make them love, honor & respect me over night? Will they get it only once they have kids? Man…I can’t wait that long.

Why do I do what I do for them? If I could do it over, I still might make the same decision but I wish I could just be thoughtless, heartless, non-chalant, dismissive & I don’t knowy like them. Stick it to em & hurt their feelings like they hurt mine. The world says you have only 1 mom so cherish her. Uhhhhh, I’m not feeling it from the older crew. The babies, yes. But these teens, you’d think they would realize where their bread & butter comes from & show some respect.

I hate to see them honor others & not me. But call on me when in want & need. Just seems so unfair. They just stupid. Yea, they’re stupid. And I guess I have to be here to love em in spite of, blah blah blah, til they wisen up. Arghhhhhh!

I don’t think they’ll ever love me right or appreciate me if they don’t now. Ugh!  I’m a decent mom, really. Tough but loving. I give. I hug. I kiss. I apologize. I do projects. I cook. I buy. I comfort. I encourage. I push em at the feet of Jesus. I teach. I listen (could do better tho). That’s worthy of love & honor right. These kids ain’t loyal, for real. I’m trying to live a holy life before them, an example. When will it pay off.

I must have stiff competition. Arghhh! Fix it Jesus!

In Advance

I’m thanking God in advance. For my new home and vehicles. I so need them. For our businesses and success. For my children’s well being, academic excellence, accomplishments and the residing of the Holy Spirit in them. I’m thanking him for the millions of bucks in our bank account. I’m also thanking him for agape love, humility, compassion and forgiving heart. I so need those too. The list goes on!
I’m overjoyed in my spirit. I know it’s the Lord’s doing. Nothing and no one has bought on these inwards feelings. Christ can do this for anyone. I’m drinking a latte and it’s not the caffeine. It taste great but that’s not it. Wow, what a feeling.

Man must not look to people or things to fulfill them or bring purpose. Look to the heavenly Father. As I spoke to my daughter and prepared dinner this spirit of gratitude came over me. And as I thanked him I see me in a new and improved home. I as a hard working brown woman, desire a bad to the bone crib of my liking. Especially one I can afford. And it’s coming. Glory to God!!!

Brand new everything. I claim it in the name of Jesus! Nothings wrong with used but I’ve done that. Hallelujah! In advance, in advance! Great God almighty, in advance!

Imma Believer. I’m growing. I’m being molded.