Bossing Ain’t Easy

I really get tired of my job at times. Ppl may want the high position to feel like they’re something big. But it comes with pressure & responsiblity. It’s no joke at all. It’s like things can go ok for a very short while and then boom. For anyone that’s a Mr. or Mrs. Fix It, situations like this can cause a level of stress. I’m there and fighting it. My life is not about working my finger to the bone for man. It’s about God’s business. And what I’m doing on this job doesn’t feel like kingdom business. However I do believe they’re some things I gotta learn while here.
There’s no one I can depend on in my staff. Nobody. I carry the load when ppl can’t perform. I keep going. Enduring hardship as a good soldier. I guess that’s why I’m the boss. Some may want what’s mine. They might feel they can do better but God placed me here. I worked for it, I did. So I’ll be here until He moves me. I refuse to step down outta feelings before God says so. But I need him to strengthen me.

Sometimes I wanna holler! I wanna snap on ppl. I wanna let them down like they let me down. But that’s not who I am. Not part of my character. But when I need to put my foot down it needs to be done unapologetically. It just has to.



Fighting these sorrowful feelings over the loss of my mother is tiresome. It’s incredibly hard. I dunno if it’s depression sneeking up on me but as soon as I see someone else hurt about their loss/pain I get so sad & think about my mom. Ppl hurt everyday. I can’t be sad everyday, every instance & crying. Kinda feels unstable.

I just have to get this out. Like, how long is the grieving process? After 2 yrs, why does this hurt so much? I want God to make it not hurt. I want to be happy that she’s at peace. Why can’t I stop being selfish & let her be? Is this uncontrollable? Is this how it goes? I guess so. We’re not immortal.

When we’re in trouble we mainly call for mama. No matter how old we are. Maybe this is what I get for trying to be so independent. Wanting to show my mom I could survive without her. Now I struggle with this life without her. Parts of me literally want to die. She gave me life. Why am I here & not her? Just feels wrong. But I know better.

I Miss Her

Its torture. I feel my mom & dad in me. Its crazy how parents can rub off on children. Even though my mom’s gone, she still is in me (the blood!). However I feel I’m broken, a big piece is missing. But I feel her. In the things I do, say & think…she’s there. Pops still here but he’s finna be 81. He gotta go 1 day. Another piece of me will be taken. I can’t force him to live longer, he been here a long time already. So I gotta be strong & send him on to glory. Preperation.

Constant reminders of my parents come out of me thru my day to day. MAMAAAAAAAAAA! I want you back! But I need to spend as much time as possible with my dad while he’s here. Back & forth, these rollercoaster emotions. I’m tired today. My mind is on stuff that matters but I can’t be distracted from God. What am I gonna do with the time I have left here on earth? Who will I love on? Can’t waste time.

I’m full of emotion. It’s pouring out in tears & prayers. Have to pray without ceasing. My children, husband, myself, extended family & friends, my ministry, so many to pray for. But I still want my mama to hold me & hold me & pray for me. I have to be a big girl now but we’re never really big to our parents hearts. We’re their babies. And baby needs mother still. 

If I could rewind the clock. If I was God. If I had the power in my hand…I’d take all her heart pain away. Her body pain…away. Her brain pain away. Everything that made her cry, I’d fix it for that woman. I wonder if her children, including me, caused her illness (cancer). Stress of living. Worrying. She prayed. I know she did. She prayed for her babies. Did we pray for mama? My God! Did we???

There’s some regret but I understand that I must live what life I have left. And it has to be to the max. So I’ll love on who’s still here and be obedient to God’s word so I can see her again. Gotta pray more, cry loud and spare not, for those around me. There’s work to be done. I want to be a great product of my mother because she was just that…great. I’ll miss her everyday.

No Pain, No Gain…I Guess

Sometimes it feels like I can’t win for losing. There’s always a challenge around the corner. I have seasons. Seasons of physical pain. My feet, knees, neck, wrist, stomach, hips and back. I don’t know what the next season will bring. But the doctor will always say, it’s the weight. Right now it’s lower back season. With a bit of hip & thigh. I believe some of it, if not all of it, has been spiritual. Granted, yes I need to lose weight. I don’t eat like I should. My life seems to not allow me to eat those five to six small meals a day, go figure. Or maybe I’m just not trying hard enough. I would work out and then injure myself. After that I’m down for months. So now how am I to do a good cardio workout with back pain? However it hurts to the point where I want to get up and do something about it, like stretch. I can even get lazy with the stretching. Back to the spiritual aspect. If weight was the issue, why has the other pains gone away but switched to another area of my body? I have actually gained a few more pounds and those other pains have not resurfaced. I don’t want them to. But I also don’t want them to jump to another part of my body. The attacks on my body, I guess I need to be thankful that I can feel them because someone can’t feel at all. But I do want to live the most joyful life as possible. I don’t want anything to get in the way of my ministry. If I put God’s business first I believe that he would take care of the rest. The rest is this carnal life. If I can just be in the spirit where there are no infirmities, I can have his joy and peace. I still don’t sleep a hundred percent (need rest) but it’s better than years ago. But there is much room for improvement. I need him to help me. Help me eat right, exercise, sleep well and whatever else it takes for this temple to be in optimal working condition. 

I’m not giving up, I’m not complaining but I’m simply saying I hurt and I am waiting on healing or a miracle. It must be for a reason right? It’s been a while since I’ve done a blog and maybe someone wants to know if there is anyone else out there that continuously goes through “something”. And my something is physical pain that’s unexplainable. I didn’t get in a recent accident to blame the back pain on. I definitely wasn’t working out or lifting anything and pulled the muscle. I cannot figure it out but I do know that aleve helps but lingering pain is still there. And this is something that keeps me calling on the name Jesus. I believe that’s what he wants me to do. It keeps me humble. That’s a plus. Plenty of prayer. For me & others. Oh! My hubby has had back pain for years. Maybe God wants to show me what he goes thru especially when I’m selfish towards him. When you’re one, you will share the good as well as the bad.

I can’t wait for the day that this pain goes away…and stays away. Lord! I won’t leave you! Keep thorns outta my side! I’ll be a good girl! Do you think he’ll give me a pass? Probably not. I have to pay for my anointing. Maybe in a few years I’ll be ready to be pain free but then it’ll probably be something else to deal with. That’s God for ya. I love him nevertheless.

A heart for Wood

It’s been a while. I’m in a better place spiritually and emotionally. God has really worked on me. I’ve found a new love. WOOD! Yes…wood. One day watching the D.I.Y channel I saw what was being done with wood and I got so emotional. My dad is also a bit of a craftsman so why not I right? I have characteristics of both my parents but was searching for more to do with myself. What to pass to my children. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. 
I think that at a certain point every adult questions what they’re doing with their lives. What legacy they’ll leave behind? What will people say about them at their funeral? I’m there. So I plan to do 1 of the many things I’m capable of…now. I’ll be starting my first project of restoring old furniture. Something about it makes me light up inside. I guess taking something that appears to be done and bring it back to life. One man’s trash is this woman’s treasure.

I don’t want this feeling to leave me. I can tell the devil wants to kill it. I’m determined to see it through. I plan on having more than 1 business. This is actually something that I’ll love and making big money from it isn’t the main goal, it’s a bonus. To actually see what my hands can do is a good enough reward. All glory will go to the Father of course. I’m depending on him to bless my mind with ideas and courage to help bring them to fruition.

Doubt begins to set in but I know I’m more than a conqueror and can do all things thru Christ who strengthens. I definitely have to show my children to never quit because of self doubt and naysayers. I must practice what I preach. With the support of my husband too, I’m unstoppable. I want them to be proud of me. Being a boss in more ways than 1. It’s in the blood.


I have a sadness that just falls on me sometimes. Tears fall & I don’t like it. Then again I do. Because I feel like God wants me to release. My family means so much to me. I’ve been tough for a long time. I think I want to be softer. Not getting rid of all the tough but softer. Open. Walls are tumbling within, I think. The weird feeling it brings makes me want to build them back up but I let go more. I think it’s ok. I’ll be ok. I’m ok.

I’m growing. Spiritually. And the enemy wants me to see it as weakness. I have to open up to let God in. Yes, I’m vunerable. To hurt, pain, disappointment, grief, the stuff that causes walls to come up. I’m risking it to let Jesus in, trusting he’ll patch me up each & every time I experience those bad things.

Letting go of inhibitions. Day by day. Step by step. Growing pains! Going in the right direction. There’s fear. I’m not quitting though. I might mess up & pull a wall back up from time to time I imagine. But I know deep within that it’ll stunt my growth & that’s (growth) more important to me.

I not only live for me but for my family. It’s my mission to teach them everything I’m learning. Prevention. I’d HATE for them to make my mistakes. I want them comfortable within but not comfortable if it doesn’t please God. Knowing when to admit faults & make necessary changes. Make it into heaven kids!!!

This is my goal & I want it to be there’s. To be leaders & team players though I like being alone alot of the time. So I want them to do the opposite there. But balance cuz too many people in your life can cause more harm than good as well. I need them to know how to cope with loss, despair, disappointment, anger. And enjoy life. Ride the waves. I’m aware that some things I won’t get thru to them & only experience will. Hate it but it’s the truth. 

So I’ll continue to destroy barriers in me. True joy is awaiting. I need it & I yearn to spread it.


When? When will my children wake up & appreciate me? How long I gotta wait?! I don’t wanna wait! Im feel used & taken advantage of. I could of lost my life for Christ sake. I sacrificed. Oh did I sacrifice. And to hear them praise others…a stab in the front. They do it with out any remorse.

Am I the only parent who wants some appreciation around here? What more can I do really? Can I make them love, honor & respect me over night? Will they get it only once they have kids? Man…I can’t wait that long.

Why do I do what I do for them? If I could do it over, I still might make the same decision but I wish I could just be thoughtless, heartless, non-chalant, dismissive & I don’t knowy like them. Stick it to em & hurt their feelings like they hurt mine. The world says you have only 1 mom so cherish her. Uhhhhh, I’m not feeling it from the older crew. The babies, yes. But these teens, you’d think they would realize where their bread & butter comes from & show some respect.

I hate to see them honor others & not me. But call on me when in want & need. Just seems so unfair. They just stupid. Yea, they’re stupid. And I guess I have to be here to love em in spite of, blah blah blah, til they wisen up. Arghhhhhh!

I don’t think they’ll ever love me right or appreciate me if they don’t now. Ugh!  I’m a decent mom, really. Tough but loving. I give. I hug. I kiss. I apologize. I do projects. I cook. I buy. I comfort. I encourage. I push em at the feet of Jesus. I teach. I listen (could do better tho). That’s worthy of love & honor right. These kids ain’t loyal, for real. I’m trying to live a holy life before them, an example. When will it pay off.

I must have stiff competition. Arghhh! Fix it Jesus!

In Advance

I’m thanking God in advance. For my new home and vehicles. I so need them. For our businesses and success. For my children’s well being, academic excellence, accomplishments and the residing of the Holy Spirit in them. I’m thanking him for the millions of bucks in our bank account. I’m also thanking him for agape love, humility, compassion and forgiving heart. I so need those too. The list goes on!
I’m overjoyed in my spirit. I know it’s the Lord’s doing. Nothing and no one has bought on these inwards feelings. Christ can do this for anyone. I’m drinking a latte and it’s not the caffeine. It taste great but that’s not it. Wow, what a feeling.

Man must not look to people or things to fulfill them or bring purpose. Look to the heavenly Father. As I spoke to my daughter and prepared dinner this spirit of gratitude came over me. And as I thanked him I see me in a new and improved home. I as a hard working brown woman, desire a bad to the bone crib of my liking. Especially one I can afford. And it’s coming. Glory to God!!!

Brand new everything. I claim it in the name of Jesus! Nothings wrong with used but I’ve done that. Hallelujah! In advance, in advance! Great God almighty, in advance!

Imma Believer. I’m growing. I’m being molded.

Naked Awake

I sit here raw, open, bleeding, pink.  I’m bare.  Eyes open, I see.  I see me.  My flaws.  Being held back from freedom by old and new pain.  Shoving it under a rug for so long and now I’m naked.  Bawling, crying for real, like someone close died.  Begging God to fix me.  Surrendering.  For real.  Will I hold on to this day, this feeling, moment of pure reflexion of my inner being?  I’m so raw and open!

Come in Lord.  Mold me and fix me up.  Make me like you for you.  If I live by your will, all will be okay.  I miss the feeling of joy and peace.  Did I ever really have it?  I doubt it.  But I had spurts and I want more, want it all.  Need it all.  You said it will work for my good since I love you.  I do love you.  More and more each day.  Having an encounter(s) with you is necessary.  More of you please.

Remove all the hurt, guilt and doubt from me.  Take away the steel walls covering not only my heart but my body, mind and soul.  Open me up to let you in fully because the walls not only keep the world out, it does the same to you.  I see that now.  To get more of you I have to open up to the bad stuff too and let you work perfectly through me.  I gotta go thru to show your glory when I overcome.  Okay, I give in my Lord. My Savior.  My Everything.  I’m absolutely nothing without you.

I’m in love with you.  So in love.  I need to please you. I need to serve you, my Master.  O God take me, I’m yours.  Use me up and I’ll be glad about it.  When man used me there was no benefit but with you, your promises will be kept.  I can’t make it without you.  Fill me with your precious Holy Ghost and dunamis power from on high.  I have to fight to live for your glory.  I can’t let the devil in and he’s trying.  Attacking from all angles but you see what I don’t.  Give me your spiritual eye to catch him before he gets close.  Give me your tongue to speak your holy word to stop him in his tracks.

I see!  I see I need you.  Don’t beat me anymore.  Well, I may still need a beating from time to time but I hope not.  I want to stay on the straight and narrow path.  No wavering.  When anger rises up I need your love and comfort to soothe me.  When thoughts come that lie on you, I need you to bring back to my memory the promises and fruits of your spirit.  I believe in the Beatitudes more than ever now.  Create me all over again, thru and thru, fix me! Make me over, I’m tired of me.  This shell is nothing.  Renew my spirit, touch my heart and mind, reveal the spiritual world and help me to rightfully divide everything to your liking. I rebuke all fear! It’s not of you.

Here my cry.  Save my family.  Fix them like you’re fixing me.  Open their eyes.  I don’t want them to learn the hard way, as I.  Make them wiser sooner than me.  Pour your wisdom in us, fill our cups. Even if I don’t want ppl to see me as an example, I am. Help me to be a great example of conquering the enemy. Forgiveness and compassion, endow me. Agape love, run my cup over! Rivers of living water, I hunger and thirst. I want everyone to feel the same way.

I need my children saved. Protected. Covered by the blood of the lamb. Have mercy Lord. More grace please. I point fingers but I need changing. Forgive me! I’m willing to let you in and do your thing fully. I still have bouts of doubt with this process, yes. It can be scary but I will speak your word to myself and walk forward. I have prayers I need answered and my heart isn’t right. Im working. Im coming! I hear you! I know it starts with me.

The raw, naked truth is here, slap in my face, chest tight. I’m not right. I’ve sinned by being mean and hard to deal with, talk to, love on. I’ve rejected those close to me and I’m tired of it.

I am free.

Determined to Do

I dream of…doing. Doing what my heart desires. I believe I was born to help ppl. In order to help them I guess I gotta go thru some stuff. I don’t want to suffer but I want to help. So we all have a cross to bear. And I know for sure my life can turn out much worse. So Lord I thank you, I praise you, for grace, mercy & many blessings!

A book, a women support group, daycare, motivational seminars, daycare, mission work, spreading the gospel of the 1 & only Jesus Christ! Say what! The girl gone be busy. At 35 I wonder if I’m starting late. But if I look at it, I’ve been living, gathering information, testimony, to share & motivate, encourage, gladden, inspire, strengthen, restore, revitalize…all dat!  Some will feel a type of way when being spoken to by a person they feel can’t relate. So in order for me to relate to some stuff cuz I surely don’t want to relate to everyyyyythinggggg, I must accept that I gotta live it. Most ppl go thru the same things even if its not exactly, the emotions that arise are the same. Defeat, loss of faith, worthlessness, grief, pain, sadness, doubt, masking, rage, unforgiveness, bitterness, pettiness, etc. We all have felt one or all of these. 

I can’t just not do. Work all my life for a check? Nope. Gotta do something meaningfull. I feel it. Since a child I was hands on with my mom. Nursing her in ways. My kids run to mommy when they have an itch or worse. She knows what to do. Just having sense to take them to the licensed pro’s gets kudos. I care. I wanted to be a nurse but at 35, I don’t want to go to school for that, plus I’m an upcoming entrepreneur. No more being tied to the man! But preparation is taking place. In being taught how to cope with life situations. Real life. No running & ducking. Facing it straight on & staying holy. Now that’s a task. Dealing with ppl, especially that think their fine or right in their stance. Can’t tell them they need fixing. All you’re trying to do is help, right? But you say something the wrong way & now you have an unhappy customer. Well, you gotta know how to deal with that without sitting your religion down and/or giving up all together. That’s where I am. BALANCE.

God’s working, I feel it. I trust him. He knows best. Patience is taking residence & that’s kool. I still feel the ticking clock but the Lord overrides it. I’m getting ready for greatness! Becoming a better me & all credit goes to my Saviour. I’m excited for what’s ahead.