To Me

My hearts crying.
Continuation…

It’s ok to be different & not fit their mold.
It’s ok to say no.
It’s ok to stand on truth.
It’s ok to ruffle a few feathers here & there.
It’s ok to want better & press for it.
It’s ok to be positive.
It’s ok to have uncertainties but trust God!
It’s ok to be lonely but know you’re never alone Tosha.

If nobody does it, I’ll do it. I’ll affirm myself. Speak life into myself. Week after week the devil tries to ride me and I get weary. I try to put the best on the outside but Imma person that wears their heart/emotions on their sleeve. I can’t hide as well as I think. All this is for me. If it helps others, that’s a bonus. I need God to stregthen my heart & mind. His joy is my strength. I wont lean on my own understanding. As i encourage myself many thoughts come to mind. I gotta flush the negative one’s out & hold to the Holy Spirit. I talk to myself & sometimes its not always positive. Complain too much. Making excuses for myself & others. It’s time to stop all dat. I wonder if i should feel & think the way I do about certain situations. And ive decided, its ok. Im determined to make it. Feeling like im a sucky saint (follower of Christ) is over! Imma go thru the fire with God on my side. Im not gone stay in it. It’s not permanent though the devil wants me to believe that. He’s a liar, my God is not. It’s ok & Im ok. Thus says the Lord.

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3-2-19: Release

I finally spoke to my 20 year old daughter about my feelings regarding my disappointment in her. It hurt to say some of the things that I did but I had to get it off me. I have been sitting with certain information and being around her pretending to be oblivious. I don’t know, sometimes it’s hard for me to really explain how I feel. But I can tell you this, betrayal is a big one. I’m disappointed in some of my children. My expectations are not being fulfilled. I have made sacrifices for them and I don’t feel appreciated, I feel punked. The stories they tell about me aren’t 100% true. And even if I were to take in account it’s their perception, it still doesn’t sit well with me because of the consequences that may ensue (especially regarding the younger children). But God is in control, not me.

I know I’m not the only mother that’s feels or have felt this way. I am trying to be strong through this process, season, whatever it is. I’m holding on to God’s word that he will work it out. I’m pressing and fighting the thoughts and negative feelings. I get weary though. But I thank God for my husband and my church family that motivate me to keep going. The hurt that I have in my heart, no mother should feel. I may not have been the best but I did the best that I could with what I had. I want to get over the betrayal of being spoken of negatively by adolescents and young adults that are still trying to find their way. I’m tired of being the bad guy and having to wait for them to grow up and understand. But I have no other choice but to keep living, so that’s what I would do. I will forgive them and keep loving them but I will not stand for disrespect. I will take care of me and protect my soul regardless of others opinions. I will do what I believe is best for me until God says otherwise.

Sometimes you have to seperate yourself from those you love. We tend to hurt those that are close to us. Such disappointment but it’s temporary, I claim it in the name of Jesus. My children will come out of darkness, into the marvelous light. I’ll be proud of them as well as them being proud of themselves. I pray I’m alive to see that glorious day in each of their lives. I won’t hurt anymore about things they’ve said or done negatively towards me. We’ll forgive each other. I’m holding into that. I have to. They need to understand that even I, the adult, have feelings too and am trying to guard theirs while they stomp all on mine. They’ll get it one day. They just need to keep on living.

Relationships

I’m trying to understand relationships. Not really those of people you don’t like. More so of those whom you like/love. As people we have a certain expectation of those we care about. And if they don’t fulfill those expectations we kind of look down on them. I’m questioning if that’s how I feel about some people in my life. Everyone might not agree with decisions that I make but I still want them to love me and not frown upon me, right? So why do I find myself looking at others and saying why would you do that, that’s stupid? I’m pretty sure I have had stupid moments. I know everything that’s stupid to me isn’t stupid to someone else. I just hate to see people do things that will affect them negatively in the long run or the near run, shoot. But what I want to understand is where the bothersome feeling comes from. It makes me not even want to deal with the individuals. I don’t want to be a witness to the boom! Is it spiritual, is it just me, is it my heart or my mind, all of it, what is it? I’m a dreamer and my dreams tend to come to pass. Not every single one of them but eventually a lot of them to do. So do I think because I know what I see in my sleep or even pick up in my spirit will happen, does that push me to have these feelings of “don’t do that” even more. And to sit back and just watch somebody fall into a hole is devastating. But you can’t force human beings to do what you want unless you’re just that powerful. God gives free will and so will I, unless you’re my children, lol. So I’m aggravated by certain things done by my family and friends and if I say something it could possibly piss them off with me. I asked God do I speak up or just let them go through it and when it hits the fan just don’t save them, that’ll be fine right? Well I have not gotten an answer yet. I think at least 1 warning should come and if they don’t take heed then let them deal with the consequences. Easier said than done though.

I have a friend that I don’t think is making good decisions and it kind of kills me because I just don’t understand why she would allow negativity in her life. But do I point that out? Not to mention, she isn’t stupid. But maybe there’s more to her that I don’t understand and I’m too afraid to ask certain questions because she might not be my friend anymore after that. So whatever is holding me back from asking particular questions whether it’s fear or God saying hush, I’m going with it for now. But once a door is open I tend to slide right on through it and say what’s necessary or what just flows with the conversation. That tends to work out. However, I’ve had situations in the past where I said something wrong and didn’t even know it (maybe it wasn’t all wrong, truth hurts) and the person disappeared. Poof! So I guard my mouth more than I really think I should, holding a lot in. That in itself is punishment to me that I hate living with. I’m going to get a balance eventually and I believe that only God can help me in the area.

Relationships can have our head gone, spinning. You can love a person so much you’ll compromise just to hold on to them. I’m trying to move past that. I have to care more for my relationship with God. Let him guide me thru these situations trusting it’ll be ok. And if those individuals are to remain in my life, they will. There’s a time & season for all things.

2-19-19; Monday morning

In times like these I want my mother. I’ve been in pain for about 2 days & I think about what mama would do to help her baby girl. All of her methods weren’t medically approved but I know she meant well. I need her to rub my back & tell the devil to loose here. This surging pain in my lower torso had me tossing & turning all night long, calling on Jesus. Rightfilly so. He’s a way maker. Nevertheless I still made me some green tea for the ginger tea was non-extant. My mother suffered with gas & constipation many days, in a row. It bought her to tears. I’d give her enemas & sit with her. This in my body currently is a reminder of those times.

Pain shoots down my thighs, back up to my derriere, lower back & gut. Torture! But thank God it’s not in my chest! The heating pad helped some but I think it’s time I or my husband become a mine worker & “dig” it out. I’m still buying ginger tea but I’ve been hurting too long.

A few minutes later…

Digging unsuccessful. Mission aborted. Oh my God! Hubby’s gone for ginger & laxative tea. My hemorrhoid has flaired up as well. I’m just jacked up. What would mama do? I just wanna ball up under her, comforted by her warmth & smell of Avon.

“Do What You Love” IS NOT a Cliche. It’s a LIE.

Cristian Mihai

Do what you love. Love what you do.

Odds are you tried something in your life. A passion. A hobby. Something that got you excited, made you feel alive, like a fire burning inside your chest. It felt amazing doing it. And you did it, and did it, and kept at it, but in time it became more and more difficult to stay with it long enough to achieve true success.

Let’s face it: if you’re not in love anymore with what you’re doing, it feels like an uphill struggle. That’s OK if you’re a hobbyist or a dabbler, but if you want a career, if you want to live your life at the highest level possible, then all this might make you want to stop and try something else…

You want to quit because you weren’t expecting that doing what you loved would be so damn frustrating at times…

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2-13-19

I’m really trying to be okay. I tried to get in my own little space and block out certain things that aggravate me and somehow they still flare up. I’m doing my best not to complain and pray about every negative situation but of course the devil does not want that. It’s a busy month and I have a few things on my plate, my heart and my mind. Sometimes you can’t be involved in everything and with everybody. I know that and I have had quite a break. But even when I jump back in it doesn’t seem to take long for me to become overwhelmed. I must pace myself. I can’t take on too much. But when things gotta be done, that’s that. Do I have to say yes everytime? No. Should I always feel bad when I say no? No. So why do I?

I Get Lonely

Things seem to be getting worse. Trying not to complain. I’m upset inside. Unhappy. Confused. Angry. Sad. I don’t know. I feel judged. Misunderstood. Taken for granted. Alone in my head.

But I’m not alone. Plenty of people go thru this process. My children are coming off as disloyal. Can’t trust em to love me back right. Can’t trust em to have my back. Talking smack about me but fix their mouth to say they love me. I see them as the enemy, flaw. This is how I feel and at times I almost believe it.

Emptiness. Lost. Unsure. Disappointed. Doubtful. Life gets hard. Round and around I go. Up & down. One minute it’s good then bad happens then back to good & bad. Circle of life. I’m trying to cope with it. Living in my own head is tough & I’m alone…or am I?

I don’t want to be nice. I want to be quiet & disappear. I don’t feel wrong. I don’t feel right. I pray I’m sure in the morning cuz right now I’m just being.

Whatever God wants for me I guess he’ll get it this way. I don’t know nothing right about now. I try & try & still feel like I’m failing. It could be a lie or simply I need to try harder. I’m tired. My hearts broken.

Lord mend me so I can keep going.

10-4-18

Lord knows im trying to live right. Lord knows. This walk aint easy. If its not every day its every other day something pops up to test my faith, making my flesh heat up. Im so self critical nobody needs to add salt to my wounds but ppl dont know & do it anyway🤷🏾‍♀️. Im doing better but just wanna be “there” already. And sometimes my own fellow Christians can make it hard for a sista. I get tired of them too. But im striving. God is in my view. I wont give up. I got kids that need prayer. Ill fight a nigga in the street if it comes to it to protect em. My husband & chosen family & friends too. But there’s an unforseen enemy that requires a different battle tactic. Im so serious about fighting this man yo. Cuz he not lettin up. I gotta look pass this natural & see the spirit cuz spirit is whats gonna take him down. Fist & feet cant do it. Gun & swords won’t do it. So i cant get thrown off & lose spiritual sight. I can’t waste time beating myself up about shoulda, coulda, wouldas when its a distraction. Ppl need prayer. Not just “my” ppl. Ppl everywhere & I’ll be a vessel/messenger to God for em who dont know how to pray for themselves or simply won’t. So when i do what’s necessary to clean my temple to please him, changes gotta be made that some may not agree with. Oh well, i gotta job to do. I pray they forgive me as i readily forgive em beforehand. And that forgiveness is still a working progress but i claim in the name of Jesus im gettin it together. Imma tear satan’s kingdom down. Watch👀. He big mad & its all good with me.

My Goooddddd

Jesussssssssss! Whooo he’s good! I tell ya the devil tryin it. Yes indeed he’s tryin it. But he aint gone win. Long as I hold to Jesus.

I’m on the up & up. Taking up wings as an eagle and flying thru this thang. Now I know the enemy’s upset. He should be. I would be too if I was him.

Im taking my stuff back. Uh huh. My mind. Yep. My home. Yep. My kids. Yep. My marriage. Yes suh! My self esteem. Fa sho! My AUTHORITY!!! Glory!!!!! Get back Satan!

Praise is what I do. I’m praising him. I’m stomping on the devil’s head. The word says don’t get weary in well doing. No lie, I gets tired. But the joy of the Lord is my strength. The devil knows if I worry he can have me bound. I’m getting over worrying cuz My God has shown me numerous times that he has my back. So again, why am I still worrying? You tricky, tricky devil you. I see you. Game over, you lose!

Victory is mine. That song speaks volume now in my life for it currently rings true, for real. Old school & all, I feel it in my spirit. Rooted down deep that victory is in fact MINES. Gloryyyyyyyy!!!

This joy that I have the world didn’t give it to me. Thank ya Lord. Nobody but you Lord. Nobody but you. You bought me over! Yesssssssss! All those songs are coming back to me cuz it’s true.

No individual, no substance nor any materialistic item can cause the feeling I have within. It’s HIM! My God. Dats my homie, my ride & die, my provider, my e-ver-rae thang! I serve him for he’s wonderful & magnificent. Who did it? My God did iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt! Whoooo Lordie. Im getting hot. Bubbling over. Hay hay hay haYYY!

You deserve it God! All of me & then some. What I have is his anyway. Who I am is cuz of HIM. I owe him! I owe him. I owe him…

7-3-18: I’m Gettin’ There

This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad it is. And something about waking up this morning and feeling hopeful. God is on the move in my life and I’m all the way up with it. If I can just keep this hopeful outlook I’ll be okay. The enemy always tries to find a way to sneak in and steal it but I’m older and wiser now. Where I was yesterday, I no longer am. If everyone can look at it that way. God will bring you through anything if you just wait. Now, when it’s your time to die then it’s just your time. I don’t believe it’s mine so therefore there’s work for me to do. I have to get on the ball and I can’t get there sulking in what appears to be a drought. It’s a lie! When we go through trials it’s hard to see the end of the tunnel. But as you keep moving forward you will see a speck of light that expands as you persevere. I’m seeing the light people. I’m seeing the light. If he can do it for me he can do it for anybody else that’s seeking him. Sometimes it seems like the Saints have a much harder time than the world. But we have to be met with matches, tests…so that we can tell others of his goodness and how he brought us out. It’s not always peachy but its necessary. I’ve been met with many distractions. I feel guilty at moments for falling for em. Getting so entangled in thought that I get far away from where I’m suppose to be. I’m forcing my mind to stay focused and it’s only the Lord endowing me with his power to conquer this. And I’m so grateful. I can feel a bubbling up inside of me. Joy, joy, unspeakable joy! My God is awesome!

When you’re fighting to keep your mind nothing else comes first. The mind is precious. If the enemy gets that, he’s got the individual. It’s crazy how we can swear we’re right about something. We know without a shadow of doubt that we are sure in what we’re saying, doing and feeling. Just to find out that we were wrong all along. What a blow to the ego. When your mind gets the going on a topic, especially a topic that can spiral into negativity, you’ve got to be very careful. It’s best to let God fight our battles. It’s plenty of things that we are not in control of but we think we are. That just adds snnecessary stress. Sometimes I want to kick myself in the behind because I was stressing over something that eventually worked out but because it didn’t go as fast as I wanted it to I did more harm to myself. I tell myself “just chill. Wait on the Lord and see how he does it. Nobody can do it better. I’m being opened up and words can’t explain the feeling. So as I open I’m going to put God in and push the devil out, push myself out too. It’s not about me, it’s about him. I see that I cannot win unless I play his game. If I can do what he tells me, I’ll be okay, regardless of if I understand it or not. I hear you Lord. I’m getting there, thanks to you. Sometimes we have to be disciplined until we wake up and just get it. When I think about my mother too long, sometimes it’s immediate, a pain comes in my heart that nothing can fix…but God. If he can stop my heartache and dry up my tears from losing the vessel that got me here, he can do anything. So I’m going to hold on to that.